“How can you tell when a woman is only shopping?”

“When they intend to buy they ask to see something cheaper.  When they’re shopping they ask if you haven’t something more expensive in stock.”

In a busy department store, a lady asked to see blankets.  After the clerk had emptied the shelves and piled the counters with blankets of every description and color, the lady thanked him and said:  “I was just looking for a friend.”

“Well, madam,” said the obliging clerk, “if you think your friend is among these blankets, I’ll look again.”

“Was papa the first man who ever proposed to you, mama?”

“Yes; but why do you ask?”

“I was just thinking that you might have done better if you had shopped around a little more.”

Here is a story of a lady who seemed to want a lot for her money.  She rushed excitedly into the hardware department.

“Give me a mouse-trap!” she exclaimed.  “Quickly, please, because I want to catch a train.”

HUSBAND (discovering the hall full of packages)—­“Heavens!  You must have had a successful shopping day.”

WIFE—­“Yes, dear, and that isn’t the best of it.  I have actually got something that I am going to keep.”—­Life.

An old fellow who was noted through the town for his stuttering as well as for his shrewdness in making a bargain, stopped at a grocery and inquired: 

“How m-m-many t-t-t-turkeys have you g-g-got?”

“Eight, sir,” replied the grocer.

“T-t-t-tough or t-t-tender?”

“Some are tender and some tough,” was the reply.

“I k-keep b-b-b-boarders,” said the new customer.  “P-pick out the four t-toughest t-t-turkeys, if you p-p-please.”

The delighted grocer very willingly complied with the unusual request, and said in his politest tones: 

“These are the tough ones, sir.”

Upon which the customer coolly put his hand on the remaining four, and exclaimed: 

“I’ll t—­t—­take th—­th—­th—­these!”

SIGHT SEEING

The motor-bus stopped, and the conductor looked earnestly up the steps, but no one descended, and at last he stalked up impatiently.

“’Ere, you,” he said to a man on top, “don’t you want Westminster Abbey?”

“Yes,” was the reply.

“Well,” retorted the conductor, “come down for it.  I can’t bring it on the bus for you.”

SIGNS

Eva S——­, twenty-four years old, a maid employed in Jersey City, was locked up last night in the West Thirtieth Street Police Station, charged with grand larceny.  She is alleged to have stolen $160 worth of articles from a Sixth Avenue department-store.

The explanation she gave was that she saw a sign in the store which read:  “Customers, please take small packages home.”

“Why do you have an apple as your trade-mark?” asked a client of the cash tailor.