“Then if a man marries twice there isn’t anything left of him, is there?”

How the Row Started

MR. BROWN—­“I had a queer dream last night, my dear.  I thought I saw another man running off with you.”

MRS. BROWN—­“And what did you say to him?”

MR. BROWN—­“I asked him what he was running for.”

Uncle Josh was comfortably lighting his pipe in the living-room one evening when Aunt Maria glanced up from her knitting.

“John,” she remarked, “do you know that next Sunday will be the twenty-fifth anniversary of our wedding?”

“You don’t say so, Maria!” responded Uncle Josh, pulling vigorously on his corncob pipe.  “What about it?”

“Nothing,” answered Aunt Maria, “only I thought maybe we ought to kill them two Rhode Island Red chickens.”

“But, Maria,” demanded Uncle Josh, “how can you blame them two Rhode Island Reds for what happened twenty-five years ago?”

GARDENER—­“I am going to leave, sir.  I can’t stand the Missus!”

EMPLOYER—­“Too strict, is she?”

GARDENER—­“Yes, sir.  She keeps forgetting that I can leave any time, and bosses me about just as if I was you!”

“Get away from here or I’ll call my husband,” threatened the hard-faced woman who had just refused the tramp some food.

“Oh, no, you won’t,” replied the tramp, “because he ain’t home.”

“How do you know?” asked the woman.

“Because,” answered the man as he sidled toward the gate, “a man who marries a woman like you is only home at meal times.”

FRIENDLY CONSTABLE—­“Come, come, sir, pull yourself together; your wife’s calling you.”

CONVIVIAL GENT—­“Wha’ she call-calling me; Billy or William?”

CONSTABLE—­“William, sir.”

CONVIVIAL GENT—­“Then I’m not going home.”

HUSBAND (angrily)—­“What! no supper ready?  This is the limit!  I’m going to a restaurant.”

WIFE—­“Wait just five minutes.”

HUSBAND—­“Will it be ready then?”

WIFE—­“No, but then I’ll go with you.”

“Why have I never married?” the old bachelor said in reply to a leading question.  “Well, once upon a time, in a crowd, I trod on a lady’s gown.  She turned furiously, beginning, ‘You clumsy brute!’ Then she smiled sweetly and said, ’Oh, I beg pardon!  I thought you were my husband!  No; it really doesn’t matter in the least.’

“And when I came to think it over, I decided that maybe I’d just as well let marriage alone.”

“I hear the sea captain is in hard luck.  He married a girl and she ran away from him.”

“Yes; he took her for a mate, but she was a skipper.”

FORTUNE-TELLER—­“You wish to know about your future husband?”

CUSTOMER—­“No; I wish to know about the past of my present husband for future use.”

“Do you act toward your wife as you did before you married her?”

“Exactly.  I remember just how I used to act when I first fell in love with her.  I used to lean over the fence in front of her house and gaze at her shadow on the curtain, afraid to go in.  And I act just the same way now when I get home late.”