aversion increased daily, and she communicated it to the others; they treated me insolently, and him very strangely—­running away whenever he came as if they saw a serpent—­and plotting with their governess—­a cunning Italian—­how to invent lyes to make me hate him, and twenty such narrow tricks.  By these means the notion of my partiality took air, and whether Miss Thrale sent him word slily or not I cannot tell, but on the 25th January, 1783, Mr. Crutchley came hither to conjure me not to go to Italy; he had heard such things, he said, and by means next to miraculous.  The next day, Sunday, 26th, Fanny Burney came, said I must marry him instantly or give him up; that my reputation would be lost else.

“I actually groaned with anguish, threw myself on the bed in an agony which my fair daughter beheld with frigid indifference.  She had indeed never by one tender word endeavoured to dissuade me from the match, but said, coldly, that if I would abandon my children I must; that their father had not deserved such treatment from me; that I should be punished by Piozzi’s neglect, for that she knew he hated me; and that I turned out my offspring to chance for his sake, like puppies in a pond to swim or drown according as Providence pleased; that for her part she must look herself out a place like the other servants, for my face would she never see more.’  ’Nor write to me?’ said I.  ‘I shall not, madam,’ replied she with a cold sneer, ’easily find out your address; for you are going you know not whither, I believe.’

“Susan and Sophy said nothing at all, but they taught the two young ones to cry ’Where are you going, mama? will you leave us and die as our poor papa did?’ There was no standing that., so I wrote my lover word that my mind was all distraction, and bid him come to me the next morning, 27th January—­my birthday—­and spent the Sunday night in torture not to be described.  My falsehood to my Piozzi, my strong affection for him, the incapacity I felt in myself to resign the man I so adored, the hopes I had so cherished, inclined me strongly to set them all at defiance, and go with him to church to sanctify the promises I had so often made him; while the idea of abandoning the children of my first husband, who left me so nobly provided for, and who depended on my attachment to his offspring, awakened the voice of conscience, and threw me on my knees to pray for His direction who was hereafter to judge my conduct.  His grace illuminated me, His power strengthened me, and I flew to my daughter’s bed in the morning and told her my resolution to resign my own, my dear, my favourite purpose, and to prefer my children’s interest to my love.  She questioned my ability to make the sacrifice; said one word from him would undo all my—­[Here two pages are missing].