1.—­Those who write a piece which faileth through its own demerits,
which may be, as—­

A.—­He that writeth a farce or comedy, and neglecteth to
introduce jokes in the same.

B.—­He that writeth a farce or comedy, and introduceth bad
jokes in the same.

C.—­He that writeth a farce or comedy, and introduceth old
jokes in the same.

D.—­He that writeth a tragedy, and introduceth matter for
merriment therein.

E.—­He that, in either tragedy, comedy, farce, or other
entertainment, shocketh the propriety of the audience, or
causeth a division in the same, by political allusions.

2.—­He that writeth a piece which faileth, though not through its
own demerits, which may be, as—­

A.—­When the principal actor, not having the author’s words by
heart, and being of a suggestive wit and good assurance,
substituteth others, which he deemeth sufficient.

B.—­When the principal actor, not having the author’s words by
heart, and being of a dull and heavy turn, and deaf withal,
substituteth nothing, but standeth aghast, yearning for the
voice of the prompter.

      C.—­When the scene-shifter ingeniously introduceth a forest into
          a bed-chamber, or committeth the like incongruity, marvellous
          pleasant and mirthful to behold, but in no way conducive to
          success.

      D.—­When pistols or other fire-arms do miss fire; when red fire
          igniteth not, or igniteth the scenes; when a trap-door
          refuseth to open, a rope to draw, and the like.

      E.—­When the author intrusteth his principal part to a new actor,
          and it falleth out that the same doth grievously offend the
          audience, who straight insist that he do quit the stage,
          whereby the ruin of the piece is consummated.

      F.—­Likewise there be misfortunes that arise from the audience;
          as, when at a momentous point of the plot there entereth one
          heated with liquor, and causeth a disturbance, or a woman
          with a huge bonnet becometh the subject of a discussion as to
          her right to wear the same, and impede the view of them that
          be behind; also when there cometh in a ruffian, or more, in a
          pea-coat, who having been charged by an enemy to work the
          ruin of the piece, endeavoureth to do the same, by dint of
          hisses or other unseemly noises, all of which be highly
          pernicious.

Secondly, of those unfortunate authors who have been successful, there be—­

    1.—­He whose piece, albeit successful, is withdrawn to make room
        for the Christmas pantomine, Easter piece, or other
        entertainment equally cherished by the manager, who thereupon
        groundeth a plea of non-payment.