Jones (sadly).  But there is a gulf between us—­the gulf that divides not-entirely-conscious innocence and half-imaginary vice.  You are safe, and I am not.

Brown. I don’t see why!  Why am I safe?  Or rather let me mend the question—­why do you think your chance of being elected so small?

Jones. Because, my dear BROWN, I have been found out!

    [Scene closes in upon conventional virtue perfunctorily
    triumphant.

* * * * *

A BLIZZARD FROM THE NORTH.

["The plea of the existence of such custom, or habit, or practice of copying as is set up can no more be supported when challenged than the highwayman’s plea of the custom of Hounslow Heath.”—­Justice North’s Judgment in the Copyright Action “Walter v. Steinkopff.”]

  So “Stand and deliver!” will not quite do
  In the year eighteen hundred and ninety-two;
  And if you are caught on the Queen’s highway,
  With a something for which you’ve omitted to pay,
  No use to try putting in—­under your breath—­
  The plea of the custom of Hounslow-Heath!

  Thanks to the Times and to Justice NORTH! 
  The highway—­of-News—­may be clearer henceforth
  Of robber daring and footpad sly. 
  To stop a coach, or to fake a cly,
  Boldly to lift or astutely sneak,
  Will expose a prig to the bobby’s tweak,
  And he shall not shelter himself beneath
  The plea of the custom of Hounslow Heath.

Autolycus now must buy his wares, And not with his neighbours go (gratis) shares.  “Thou shalt not steal—­not even brains,” Says Justice NORTH, and his rule remains.  Thanks to the Justice, thanks to the Times!  Plain new definitions of ancient crimes Are needful now when robbers unsheath The old plea of the custom of Hounslow Heath!

* * * * *

OUR SAL VOLATILE; OR, A WRIGGLER SARPINT OF OLD NILE.

[Illustration]

  CLEOPATRE, quittant la Seine,
  Ici tu viens en souveraine,
  Where “Britons never will be slaves,”
  And “BRITANNIA rules the waves.” 
  (Ritournelle egoiste et vaine!)

* * * * *

[Illustration:  THE GRAND OLD GEORGIE PORGIE.

  GEORGIE-PORGIE, GRAND BUT SLY,
  KISSED THE GIRLS TO RAISE A CRY;
  WHEN THE GIRLS CAME OUT TO PLAY,
  GEORGIE-PORGIE RAN AWAY!]

* * * * *

DEFINITION OF “STUFF AND NONSENSE.”—­A Junior urging a ridiculous plea.

* * * * *

THE WINNER OF THE DERBY.—­Hugo in future is to be remembered as “Victor Hugo.”

* * * * *

OPERA-GOER’S DIARY.

[Illustration:  Hot Weather.  The Friar proposes cider-"cupping” as a remedy.  Dance of Joy in consequence.]