“In th’ autumn I am pretty apt to be shootin’ in th’ Rocky Mountains.  In th’ winter I am liable to go to Florida or to th’ West Indies or to Monty Carlo.  I’m th’ on’y American citizen that iver beat Monty Carlo.  I plugged away at number siventeen an’ it came up eighty-two times runnin’.  ‘Tis thrue I squandhered th’ money on th’ fickle Countess de Brie, but aisy came aisy go.  Me disappointment was soon f’rgotten among th’ gayeties iv Algeers.  I often go up th’ Nile because it’s handy to th’ Ar-rchey Road.  I can get back befure bedtime.  In summer I may go to Newpoort, although it ain’t th’ place it was whin I first wint there.  It was simple thin.  People laughed at Clarence Von Steenevant because he wore a hat encrusted in dimons instead iv th’ rough-an’-ready goold bonnet that ye grabbed fr’m th’ rubbish iv old pearl necklaces an’ marredge certyficates on th’ hall table whin ye wint out to play tennis.  It has changed since.  But there are still a few riprisintatives iv th’ older memberships iv th’ stock exchange who cannot lave th’ familyar scenes, an’ I like to dhrop in on these pathricyans an’ gossip iv days that ar-re no more.  Faith, there’s hardly a place that I don’t spind me summers.  If I don’t like a place I can move.  I sail me yacht into sthrange harbors.  I take me private car wheriver I want to go.  I hunt an’ I fish.  Last year I wint to Canada an’ fished f’r salmon.  I made a gr-reat catch—­near thirty cans.  An’ whin I’m tired I can go to bed.  An’ it is a bed, not a rough sketch iv a brick-yard.

“Well, well, what places I have seen.  An’ I always see thim at their best.  Th’ on’y way to see anny place at its best is niver to go there.  No place can be thruly injyeable whin ye have to take ye’ersilf along an’ pay rent f’r him whin ye get there.  An’ wan iv th’ gr-reat comforts iv my kind iv a vacation is that I always knows what’s goin’ on at home.  Whin Hogan goes on his kind iv vacation th’ newspa-aper he gets was printed just afther th’ third inning iv th’ baseball game th’ day befure yisterdah.  Th’ result is that whin Hogan comes home he don’t know what’s happened.  He doesn’t know who’s been murdhered or whether Chicago or Pittsburg is at th’ head iv th’ league.

“An’ summer is th’ best time iv th’ year f’r news.  Th’ heat an’ sthrong dhrink brings out pleasant peculyarities in people.  They do things that make readin’ matther.  They show signs iv janus.  Ivrything in th’ pa-aper inthrests me.  Here’s th’ inside news iv a cillybrated murdher thrile blossomin’ out in th’ heat.  Here’s a cillybrated lawyer goin’ to th’ cillybrated murdherer an’ demandin’ an increase in th’ honoraryum iv his cillybrated collague.  Lawyers don’t take money.  What they get f’r their public sarvices in deludin’ a jury is th’ same as an offerin’ in a church.  Ye don’t give it thim openly.  Ye sind thim a bunch iv sweet peas with the money in it.  This here larned counsel got wan honoraryum.  But whin things begun to took tough f’r his protegee he suggested another honoraryum.  Honoraryum is fr’m th’ Latin wurruds honor an’ aryum, mainin’ I need th’ money.