“But, annyhow, what diff’rence does it make whether th’ navy goes to th’ Passyfic or not?  If it goes at all, it won’t be to make war.  They’ve dumped all th’ fourteen inch shells into th’ sea.  Th’ ammunition hoists ar-re filled with American beauty roses an’ orchids.  Th’ guns are loaded with confetty.  Th’ officers dhrink nawthin’ sthronger thin vanilla an’ sthrawberry mixed.  Whin th’ tars go ashore they hurry at wanst to th’ home iv th’ Christyan Indeavor Society or throng th’ free libries readin’ relligous pothry.  Me frind Bob Evans is goin’ to conthribute a series iv articles to th’ Ladies’ Home Journal on croshaying.  F’r th’ Hague Peace Conference has abolished war, Hinnissy.  Ye’ve seen th’ last war ye’ll iver see, me boy.  Th’ Hague conference, Hinnissy, was got up be th’ Czar iv Rooshya just befure he moved his army agin th’ Japs.  It was a quiet day at Saint Pethersburg.  Th’ Prime Minister had just been blown up with dinnymite, th’ Czar’s uncle had been shot, an’ wan iv his cousins was expirin’ fr’m a dose iv proosic acid.  All was comparitive peace.  In th’ warrum summer’s afthernoon th’ Czar felt almost dhrousy as he set in his rile palace an’ listened to th’ low, monotonous-drone iv bombs bein’ hurled at th’ Probojensky guards, an’ picked th’ broken glass out iv th’ dhrink that’d just been brought to him be an aged servitor who was prisidint iv th’ Saint Pethersburg lodge iv Pathriotic Assassins.  Th’ monarch’s mind turned to th’ subjick iv war an’ he says to himsilf:  ’What a dhreadful thing it is that such a beautiful wurruld shud be marred be thousands iv innocint men bein’ sint out to shoot each other f’r no cause whin they might betther stay at home an’ wurruk f’r their rile masthers,’ he says.  ‘I will disguise mesilf as a moojik an’ go over to th’ tillygraft office an’ summon a meetin’ iv th’ Powers,’ he says.

“That’s how it come about.  All th’ powers sint dillygates an’ a g-reat manny iv th’ weaknesses did so too.  They met in Holland an’ they have been devotin’ all their time since to makin’ war impossible in th’ future.  Th’ meetin’ was opened with an acrimonyous debate over a resolution offered be a dillygate fr’m Paryguay callin’ f’r immeejit disarmamint, which is th’ same, Hinnissy, as notifyin’ th’ Powers to turn in their guns to th’ man at th’ dure.  This was carrid be a very heavy majority.  Among those that voted in favor iv it were:  Paryguay, Uryguay, Switzerland, Chiny, Bilgium, an’ San Marino.  Opposed were England, France, Rooshya, Germany, Italy, Austhree, Japan, an’ the United States.

“This was regarded be all present as a happy auggry.  Th’ convintion thin discussed a risolution offered be th’ Turkish dillygate abolishin’ war altogether.  This also was carried, on’y England, France, Rooshya, Germany, Italy, Austhree, Japan, an’ th’ United States votin’ no.