good women be brought up on such infamyous docthrine?  Supposin’ a bear shud attack Conneticut an’ th’ bells shud ring f’r th’ citizens to arise, an’ these little darlings shud follow this false prophet an’ run out in their nighties an’ thry to leap at his throat.  Wudden’t the bear be surprised?  Wudden’t the little infants be surprised?  Ye bet they wud.  I want these here darlings to know th’ blessed truth, th’ softenin’ an’ beautiful truth that th’ on’y way f’r a wolf to kill a bear is to disembowel him.  There is no other way.  Th’ wolf springs at his prey, an’ with wan terrific lunch pries him open.  No wolf cud kill a bear th’ way Willum J. Long iv Stamford has described.  A bear has th’ sthrongest throat iv anny crather in th’ wurruld, barrin’ Bryan.  Why, I wud hate to have to sthrangle a bear.  I did wanst, but I had writer’s cramp f’r months aftherward.’

“An’ that settles it.  Fr’m now on ye can get anny wan iv these here nature writers be callin’ up four iliven eight B, Buena Park.  Th’ wild animiles can go back to their daily life iv doin’ th’ best they can an’ th’ worst they can, which is th’ same thing with thim, manin’ get what ye want to eat an’ go to sleep with ye’er clothes on.  But some wan ought to bring out a new nature story.  I’ve thought iv chapter twinty-eight:  ’With wan blow iv his pen he laid low, but not much lower, Orpheus L. Jubb, th’ well-known minichure painter who has taken up nature study.  With another he disembowelled th’ Riv’rend Doctor Aleck Guff, who retired fr’m th’ Universalist Church because he cud not subscribe to their heejous docthrines about th’ future life, an’ wrote his cillybrated book on wild animiles iv th’ West fr’m a Brooklyn car window.  It took on’y a moment f’r him to inflict a mortal wound on Seton-Thompson’s kodak.  An’ Tiddy Rosenfelt stood alone in th’ primeval forest.  Suddenly there was a sound in th’ bushes.  He loaded his pen, an’ thin give a gasp iv relief, f’r down th’ glade come his thrusted ally, John Burroughs, leadin’ captive th’ pair iv wild white mice that had so long preyed on th’ counthry.’

“An’ there ye ar-re, Hinnissy.  In me heart I’m glad these neefaryous plots iv Willum J. Long an’ others have been defeated.  Th’ man that tells ye’er blessed childher that th’ way a wild goat kills an owl is be pretendin’ to be an alarum clock, is an undesirable citizen.  He ought to be put in an aquaryum.  But take it day in an’ day out an’ Willum J. Long won’t give anny information to ye’er son Packy that’ll deceive him much.  Th’ number iv carryboo, deers, hippypotamuses, allygators, an’ muskoxes that come down th’ Ar-rchey Road in th’ coorse iv a year wudden’t make anny wan buy a bow an’ arrow.  It don’t make near as much diff’rence to us how they live as it does to thim how we live.  They’re goin’ an’ we’re comin’, an’ they ought to investygate an’ find out th’ reason why.  I suppose they don’t have to go to school to larn how to bite something that they dislike so much they want to eat it.  If I had to bring up a flock iv wild childher in Ar-rchey Road, I wudden’t much care what they larned about th’ thrue habits iv th’ elk or th’ chambok, but I’d teach thim what I cud iv th’ habits, the lairs, an’ th’ bite iv th’ polisman on th’ beat.”