“No, sir, he does just right.  Instead iv venturin’ into th’ wilds an’ p’raps bein’ et up be wan iv his fav’rite charackters, he calls f’r some tea an’ toast, jabs his pen into th’ inkwell, an’ writes:  ’Vichtry was not long in th’ grasp iv th’ whale.  Befure he cud return to his burrow Tusky Bicuspid had seized him be th’ tail an’ dashed his brains out agin a rock.  With a leap in th’ air th’ bold wolf put to rout a covey iv muskrats, those evil sojers iv fortune that ar-re seen hoverin’ over ivry animile battlefield.  Wan blow iv his paw broke th’ back iv th’ buffalo.  With another he crushed a monsthrous sage hen, at wanst th’ most threacherous an’ th’ hardiest iv th’ beasts iv th’ wild.  Paralyzed be th’ boldness iv th’ wolf, th’ camel an’ th’ auk fled fr’m th’ scene iv havoc, as is their wont.  All that remained iv his inimies now was th’ cow, which defied him fr’m the branches iv a pine tree an’ pelted him with th’ monsthrous fruit iv this cillybrated viggytable.  Now, it is well known that however aven they may be in a boording house, th’ wolf is no match f’r a cow in a tree.  But this was no ordhinary wolf.  As he heerd th’ low cry iv’ his mate he was indowed with th’ strength iv a thousand piany movers.  With a gesture iv impatience he shed his coat, f’r it was Spring, childher, an’ he shud’ve been more careful; he shed his coat, swiftly climbed th’ tree an’ boldly advanced on th’ foe.  His inimy give th’ low growl iv his hated thribe.  How manny a time have I heerd it in Englewood an’ shuddered with fear.  But th’ dauntless Tusky answered back with his battle song, th’ long chirp iv th’ wild wolf, his wife accompanyin’ him fr’m th’ foot iv th’ tree on a sheep bone.  With wan spring th’ inthrepid wolf sprang at his inimy.  She thried to sink her venomous fangs into his wish-bone, but with incredulous swiftness, he back-heeled an’ upper-cut her, swung left to body an’ right to point iv jaw, an’ with wan last grimace iv defiance th’ gr-reat bulk iv th’ monsther fell tin thousand feet into th’ roarin’ torrent an’ took th’ count.  Tusky heerd th’ soft love-note iv his mate.  She was eatin’ th’ whale.  He hastily descinded.  An’ so peace come to th’ jungle.’

“That sounds all right to me.  I like to see th’ best man or th’ best animile win.  An’ I want to see him win good.  It wudden’t help me story to tell about Tusky goin’ home with wan ear gone an’ his eye blacked, an’ tellin’ his wife that he’d just about managed to put wan over that stopped another wolf.  That’s what usually happens up this way, an’ it ain’t very good readin’.  When I want to tell a story that’ll inthrest me frinds I give it to thim good.  Whin I describe me fav’rite hero, Dock Haggerty, I tell about him throwin’ wan man out iv th’ window an’ usin’ another as a club to bate th’ remainin’ twelve into submission.  But if I had to swear to it, an’ wasn’t on good terms with th’ Judge, I wudden’t say that I iver see Dock Haggerty lick more than wan man—­at a time.  At a time, mind ye.  He might take care iv a procession iv Johnsons.  But he’d be in throuble with a couple iv mimbers iv th’ Ethical Culture Society that came to him at th’ same moment.  ’If iver more thin wan comes at wanst,’ says th’ Dock, ‘I’m licked,’ he says.