“An’ why shud we be taxed?  We’re th’ mainstay iv th’ Constitution an’ about all that remains iv liberty.  If ye think th’ highest jooty iv citizenship is to raise a fam’ly why don’t ye give a vote to th’ shad?  Who puts out ye’er fire f’r ye, who supports th’ Naytional Governmint be payin’ most iv th’ intarnal rivnoo jooties, who maintains th’ schools ye sind ye’er ignorant little childher to, be payin’ th’ saloon licenses, who does th’ fightin’ f’r ye in th’ wars but th’ bachelors?  Th’ marrid men start all th’ wars with loose talk whin they’re on a spree.  But whin war is declared they begin to think what a tur-rble thing ’twud be if they niver come home to their fireside an’ their wife got marrid again an’ all their grandchildher an’ their great-grandchildher an’ their widow an’ th’ man that marrid her an’ his divoorced wife an’ their rilitives, descindants, friends, an’ acquaintances wud have to live on afther father was dead and gone with a large piece iv broken iron in his stomach or back, as th’ case might be, but a pension come fr’m th’ Governmint.  So, th’ day war is declared ye come over here an’ stick a sthrange-lookin’ weepin in me hand an’ I close down me shop an’ go out somewhere I niver was befure an’ maybe lose me leg defindin’ th’ hearths iv me counthry, me that niver had a hearth iv me own to warm me toes by but th’ oil stove in me bedroom.  An’ that’s th’ kind iv men ye’d be wantin’ to tax like a pushcart or a cow.  Onscrupulous villain!

“Whin ye tax th’ bachelors ye tax valor.  Whin ye tax th’ bachelors ye tax beauty.  Ye’ve got to admit that we’re a much finer lookin’ lot iv fellows thin th’ marrid men.  That’s why we’re bachelors.  ’Tis with us as with th’ ladies.  A lady with an erratic face is sure to be marrid befure a Dhream iv Beauty.  She starts to wurruk right away an’ what Hogan calls th’ doctrine iv av’rages is always with thim that starts early an’ makes manny plays.  But th’ Dhream iv Beauty figures out that she can wait an’ take her pick an’ ‘tis not ontil she is bumpin’ thirty that she wakes up with a scream to th’ peril iv her position an’ runs out an’ pulls a man down fr’m th’ top iv a bus.  Manny a plain but determined young woman have I seen happily marrid an’ doin’ th’ cookin’ f’r a large fam’ly whin her frind who’d had her pitcher in th’ contest f’r th’ most beautiful woman in Brighton Park was settin’ behind th’ blinds waitin’ f’r some wan to take her buggy ridin’.

“So it is with us.  A man with a face that looks as if some wan had thrown it at him in anger nearly always marries befure he is old enough to vote.  He feels he has to an’ he cultivates what Hogan calls th’ graces.  How often do ye hear about a fellow that he is very plain but has a beautiful nature.  Ye bet he has.  If he hadn’t an’ didn’t always keep it in th’ show-case where all th’ wurruld cud see he’d be lynched be th’ Society f’r Municipal Improvement.  But ’tis diff’rent with us comely bachelors.  Bein’ very beautiful,