On footer fields two goals are situated,
    One, as a rule, at either end: 
  This for attack (in front) is indicated,
    And this (to rearward) you defend;
  In your remark projected on the screen
    You don’t say which you mean.

  If you refer to ours in that ambiguous
    And filmy phrase, why then you lie;
  And if to yours—­we hope to be contiguous
    To our objective by-and-by,
  But for the present, though the end is sure,
    Your statement’s premature.

  In fact—­to follow up the sporting image
    In which you “reach the appointed goal”—­
  With many a loose and many a tight-packed scrimmage
    Forward and back the fight will roll,
  Ere with a shattering rush we cross your line
    (This represents the Rhine).

  Meanwhile, when you observe your team is tiring,
    And wish the call of Time were blown,
  To Mr. Wilson, where he stands umpiring
    Gratuitously on his own,
  You’ll look (as drowning men will clutch a straw)
    To make the thing a draw.

  Pity you’ve broken all the rules, for this’ll
    Spoil WOODROW’S programme when at last,
  Not having checked those breaches with his whistle,
    He wants to blow the final blast;
  Time will be called, I fancy, when the score
    Suits us, and not before.

  O.S.

* * * * *

Heart-to-heart talks.

    (The KING OF THE HELLENES and the KAISER:  On the Telephone).

The King. Halloa!  Are you there?  Halloa, halloa!  Are you there, I say?

The Kaiser. All right, all right.  Who’s talking?

The King. King Constantine.  I want a word with the Kaiser.

The Kaiser. Ha, Tino, it’s you, is it?  Fire away.

The King. Is that you, Willie?

The Kaiser. Yes; what do you want?  I haven’t too much time.

The King. I say, the most awful thing has happened.  The Allies have sent me an Ultimatum.

The Kaiser. A what?

The King. An Ultimatum.

The Kaiser. I say, old man, you really must speak louder and more plainly.  I can’t hear a word you say.

The King. The Allies have sent me an ULTIMATUM!!  Did you hear that time?

The Kaiser. Yes, most of it.

The King. Well.

The Kaiser. Well.

The King. What do you think about it?

The Kaiser. Not very much.  Lots of other people have had ultimatums and haven’t been one pfennig the worse for them.

The King. Oh, but this is the very last thing in ultimatums.  It’s a regular ultimatissimum.

The Kaiser. What do they want you to do?