* * * * *

PHILOSOPHIC STUPIDITY.

    ["It is better to do a stupid thing that has been done before, than to
    do a wise thing that has never been tried.”—­Mr. Balfour in the House
    of Commons.]

  HEAR the great pundit; deem him not absurd,
  He utters wisdom’s latest, greatest word. 
  All coats, we know, are best when frayed with wear;
  Trousers we love when most they need repair,
  Boots without heels, completely lacking soles,
  And hats all crushed and battered into holes. 
  Nay, we’ll go farther, and, to prove him true,
  Do all the vanished ages used to do. 
  We’ll crop the ears of those who preach dissent,
  And at the stake teach wretches to repent. 
  Clad cap-a-pie in mail we’ll face our foes,
  And arm our British soldiery with bows. 
  Dirt and disease shall rule us as of yore,
  The Plague’s grim spectre stalk from shore to shore. 
  Proceed, brave BALFOUR, whom no flouts appal,
  Collect stupidities and do them all. 
  Uneducate our men, unplough our land,
  Bid heathen temples rise on every hand;
  Unmake our progress and revoke our laws,
  Or stuff them full of all their banished flaws. 
  Let light die out and brooding darkness reign,
  And in a word call Chaos back again. 
  Then, as we perish, we can shout with glee,
  “Hail, hail to BALFOUR and Stupidity!”

* * * * *

SCREWED UP AT MAGDALEN.—­Mr. G.B.  SHAW had a lively time of it at Oxford.  Fancy a whole bevy of Socialists all cooped up together under lock and screw.  What a fancy-picture of beautiful harmony the mere thought conjures up.  Burning cayenne pepper on one side, dirty water on the other, and loyal Undergraduates, screwed and screwing, all round them.  Never mind, BERNARD.  It was a capital puff for the Socialistic wind-bag, and one G.B.S. took care it should not be wasted.

* * * * *

A FUDGE FORMULA.

  “To set class against class is the crime of all crimes.” 
  That’s the dictum of FUSBOS, a type of our times;
  Yet FUSBOS himself all his co-scribes surpasses
  In rancorous railings concerning “the masses.” 
  He thinks that all efforts injustice to right
  Are inspired by mere malice and fondness for fight. 
  He might just as well urge that morality’s rules
  Set slaves against tyrants, or rogues against fools;
  Or mourn that each new righteous law that man passes
  Must set honest folk ’gainst the criminal classes!

* * * * *

“THE MEETING OF THE WATERS.”—­The Engineers of London and Birmingham have been requested, says the Daily Telegraph, to “lay their heads together,” so as to see if an amicable arrangement cannot be effected.  This is an instance where to have “water on the brain” is absolutely necessary.  Odd to think that in this “water difficulty” are contained all the elements of a burning question; so much so indeed, that the Engineers who may be clever enough to solve the problem without getting themselves into hot water, may confidently be expected to follow up their achievement by proceeding to “set the Thames on fire.”