[Emile, the Waiter, is in despair.  It occurs to him however, presently that the Lady probably means “Hors d’oeuvres,” and acts accordingly.]

* * * * *

LIGHT CONDUCT IN HEAVENLY BODIES.

[Illustration]

DEAR MR. EDITOR,

What on earth, or rather what in the starry Heavens’ name is the meaning of this heading to a paragraph in the Times of Tuesday, Nov. 3:—­

    “APPARENT DUPLICITY OF JUPITER’S SATELLITE No. 1.”

Except that the stars are given to wink, I have never before heard of the Heavenly Bodies being accused, of immorality.  It is true that the duplicity is said to be only “apparent” or alleged, but this is doubtless due to the precaution of the scientist to escape an action for libel.  Flatterers have often been accused of this vice, and Satellites are not much better.  A “Star” on the stage might perhaps thus acknowledge the presence of a friend and admirer in the Stalls or in the charmed Circle.  But for a Heavenly Body to be guilty of duplicity, and above all for a “Number One” Heavenly Body, is too much.  No more will the simple lines

    “Twinkle, twinkle, little Star!”

be true.  No; if “Jupiter’s Satellite No. 1” takes to such light conduct, then shall we, have to read

    “Wink, O wink, you little Star!”

Henceforth let astronomers be very careful what observations they make.  To what a state of things are we coming, when at night all the sublunary world is nodding, and the Stars above are winking.  If there’s duplicity in a Satellite of Jupiter, how about Jupiter itself?  Can we henceforth put any trust in the Planets?  Are they in league with deceitful soothsayers, astrologers, and fortune-tellers?  I cannot further pursue the painful subject.  We owe a debt of gratitude to the Times for exposing duplicity in the highest places.  Imagine treachery in Aurora Borealis!  What an awful flirt she would be!!  How she’d “wink the other eye!”

Yours,
AN ASTRONOMER LOYAL.

* * * * *

FROM MASHONALAND.—­Inspired by the success of ARTHUR B., of DE GORSTIBUS NON DISPUTANDUM, and of Sir KETTLE-DRUMMOND WOLFF, our GRANDOLPH meditates a surprise return to his own native land and to Parliamentary life.  He announces his intention of changing his name, and will call himself “Lord NIL DESPERANDUM CHURCHILL.”  Hail to the modern Coeur-de-Lion!”

* * * * *

FINAL.—­The Daily Chronicle says it does not regard Mr. GOSCHEN as one of the Puritans of finance.  Well, no, perhaps, GEORGE JOACHIM’S finance—­like his manner—­is rather Cavalier!

* * * * *

ONLY FANCY!

[Illustration:  Farmer Atkinson.]