* * * * *

    DURATION OF THE WAR.

    “If the bid does not come early in 19717 the evidences of
    Germany’s clamorous needs are strangely false.”—­Evening
    Paper.

Are we downhearted?  No!

* * * * *

Extract from Army Orders in the Field:—­

    “When Sections 3 and 4 have opened rapid fire, and the bullets
    have had time to reach the enemy, but not before, Sections 1
    and 2 move up into line with No. 3 and 4.”

Aren’t the Staff wonderful?  They think of everything.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  SNOWING HIM UNDER.

A FORECAST OF THE NEW BRITISH WAR LOAN.]

* * * * *

[Illustration:  Possible Purchaser.  “WHAT SORT OF DOG IS HE?”

Dog-Fancier. “’IM, LIDY?  ’E’S A LITTLE PEDIGREE DAWG, ‘E IS.  AN’ THIS IS ‘IS MOTHER ON THE LEAD—­QUITE ANOTHER TYPE O’ DAWG, BUT ALSO A PEDIGREE.”]

* * * * *

PETHERTON AND THE PLURALIST.

“Hello!” I said, “a note from Petherton.  What can my charming neighbour want now?”

The letter ran as follows:—­

SIR,—­I find that George, the young man I employ as house-boy, has become friendly with one of your maids, and I shall he glad if you will co-operate with me so far as is possible in trying to prevent their meeting, as I do not think it desirable that there should be further communication between our households than is, unfortunately, necessary.

I should not have troubled to write to you had it not been that George strongly resented my interference with his private affairs when I remonstrated with him just now on the matter.  Servants are so deplorably independent in these times, and men as useful as George are so difficult to obtain, that I do not care to open the subject with him again.

The maid of yours in question is the one who goes out on Wednesday evenings.  As that is also George’s evening out, perhaps you could arrange to let this particular maid go out on another evening instead.

  Faithfully yours,
  FREDERICK PETHERTON.

“What confounded sauce!” I said, and replied formally as follows:—­

DEAR MR. PETHERTON,—­It must, I am sure, be most alarming to you to find that servants of ours are hobnobbing and perhaps discussing our affairs.  Unfortunately to make the alteration you suggest would throw the whole of our domestic staff out.  I know the maid to whom you refer; she is our parlour-maid, and you are right in describing her as “this particular maid.”  She is most particular.  It is true that men are hard to obtain for domestic employment, even ineligibles (and I am sure yours is that), but maids are, if anything, more difficult to find.  My wife had no end of trouble in procuring this parlour-maid, and she is a treasure whom we do not wish to lose.