mimbers iv th’ cabinet, an’ you, me gin’rous confreres iv th’ wurruld’s press, I come fr’m a land where injustice is unknown, where ivry man is akel befure th’ law, but some are betther thin others behind it, where th’ accused always has a fair thrile ayether,’ I says, ‘in th’ criminal coort or at th’ coroner’s inquest,’ I says.  ’I have just been in another counthry where such conduct as we’ve witnessed here wud be unknown at a second thrile,’ I says, ‘because they have no second thriles,’ I says.  ’We Anglo-Saxons ar-re th’ salt iv th’ earth, an’ don’t ye f’rget it, boys.  All our affairs ar-re in ordher.  We convict no innocent men an’ very few guilty wans, perjury is unknown amongst us, we have no military scandals, an’ our private life is beyond rebuke.  So we have th’ time an’ th’ inclination to study th’ vile offences iv our neighbors, an’ give thim advice free iv cost.  An’ that is why I’m here to-day in this degraded counthry to tell ye what’s th’ matther with ye an’ what ye ought to do.

“‘An’ this is me opinyon:  I don’t think Cap.  Dhryfuss wr-rote th’ borderoo.  I think he was th’ on’y man in Fr-rance that didn’t.  But I ain’t got as high an opinyon iv th’ Cap as I had.  I ain’t no purity brigade; but, th’ older I get, th’ more I think wan wife’s enough f’r anny man, an’ too manny f’r some.  They was a time, Cap, whin ’twas seryously thought iv takin’ ye fr’m th’ Divvle’s Own Island an’ makin’ ye prisident iv th’ Women’s Rescue League.  But I’m afraid, Cap, ye’re disqualified f’r that position be what we’ve heard fr’m ye’er own lips durin th’ thrile.  Ye lost a good job.  Thin there ar-re some other things about ye I don’t undherstand.  I can’t make out what ye meant be pretindin’ to go to It’ly an’ doublin’ back into Germany; an’ I wish f’r me own peace iv mind all ye’er explanations ’d mate.  But, sure, if ivry man that was too free with his affections was to be sint to th’ Divvle’s Own Island, they’d have to build an intinsion to that far-famed winther resort.  An’ if suspicyous actions was proof iv guilt, mong colonel, ye’d have th’ mimbers iv th’ gin’ral staff sthrung up in as manny cages as ye see at th’ Zoo-illogical Gardens [laughter an’ cries iv ‘Veev Dooley!’]

“‘Th’ throuble is, mong colonel, lady an’ gintlemen, that it ain’t been Cap Dhryfuss that’s been on thrile, but th’ honor iv th’ nation an’ th’ honor iv th’ ar-rmy.  If ‘twas th’ Cap that was charged, ye’d say to him, “Cap, we haven’t anny proof again ye; but we don’t like ye, an’ ye’ll have to move on.”  An’ that ‘d be th’ end iv th’ row.  The Cap ‘d go over to England an’ go into th’ South African minin’ business, an’ become what Hogan calls “A Casey’s bellows.”  But, because some la-ad on th’ gin’ral staff got caught lyin’ in th’ start an’ had to lie some more to make th’ first wan stick, an’ th’ other gin’rals had to jine him f’r fear he might compromise thim if he wint on telling his fairy stories, an’ they was la-ads r-runnin’ newspapers in Paris