calls recent precidints, he’s limited to ayether a jack-leg counthry lawyer, that has set around Washington f’r twinty years, pickin’ up a dollar or two be runnin’ errands f’r a foreign imbassy, or a judge that doesn’t know whether th’ city of Booloogne-sure-Mere, where Tynan was pinched, is in Boolgahria or th’ County Cavan.  F’r Sicrety iv th’ Threasury he has a choice iv three kinds iv proud and incompetent fi-nanceers.  He can ayether take a bank prisident, that ‘ll see that his little bank an’ its frinds doesn’t get th’ worst iv it, or a man that cudden’t maintain th’ par’ty iv a counthry dhry-good store long enough to stand off th’ sheriff, or a broken-down Congressman, that is full iv red liquor half the year, an’ has remorse settin’ on his chest th’ other half.

“On’y wan class is iligible f’r Attorney-gin’ral.  To fill that job, a man’s got to be a first-class thrust lawyer.  If he ain’t, th’ Lord knows what ’ll happen.  Be mistake he might prosecute a thrust some day, an’ th’ whole counthry ’ll be rooned.  He must be a man competint f’r to avoid such pitfalls an’ snares, so ‘tis th’ rule f’r to have him hang on to his job with th’ thrust afther he gets to Washington.  This keeps him in touch with th’ business intherests.

“F’r Sicrety iv War, th’ most like wan is some good prisident iv a sthreet-car company.  ’Tis exthraordinney how a man learns to manage military affairs be auditin’ thrip sheets an’ rentin’ signs in a sthreet-car to chewin’ gum imporyums.  If Gin’ral Washington iv sacred mimory ’d been under a good sthreet-car Sicrety iv War, he’d ’ve wore a bell punch to ring up ivry time he killed a Hessian.  He wud so, an’ they’d ‘ve kep’ tab on him, an’, if he thried to wurruk a brother-in-law on thim, they’d give him his time.

“F’r th’ Navy Departmint ye want a Southern Congressman fr’m th’ cotton belt.  A man that iver see salt wather outside iv a pork bar’l ‘d be disqualified f’r th’ place.  He must live so far fr’m th’ sea that he don’t know a capstan bar fr’m a sheet anchor.  That puts him in th’ proper position to inspect armor plate f’r th’ imminent Carnegie, an’ insthruct admirals that’s been cruisin’ an’ fightin’ an’ dhrinkin’ mint juleps f’r thirty years.  He must know th’ difference bechune silo an’ insilage, how to wean a bull calf, an’ th’ best way to cure a spavin.  If he has that information, he is fixed f’r th’ job.

“Whin he wants a good Postmaster-gin-’ral, take ye’er ol’ law partner f’r awhile, an’, be th’ time he’s larned to stick stamps, hist him out, an’ put in a school-teacher fr’m a part iv th’ counthry where people communicate with each other through a conch.  Th’ Sicrety iv th’ Interior is an important man.  If possible, he ought to come fr’m Maine or Florida.  At anny rate, he must be a resident iv an Atlantic seacoast town, an’ niver been west iv Cohoes.  If he gets th’ idee there are anny white people in Ann Arbor or Columbus, he loses his job.