hairy lovers never behaved to me with tenderness; everything at this period, I think, tended to draw me toward force and violence as an expression of amativeness.  A schoolfellow, a few years my senior, of a cruel, bullying disposition, took a particular delight in inflicting pain on me:  he had particularly pointed shoes, and it was his custom to make me stand with my back to him while he addressed me in petting and caressing tones; just when his words were at their kindliest he would inflict a sharp stroke with the toe of his boot so as to reach the most tender part of my fundament; the pain was exquisite; I was conscious that he experienced sexual pleasure (I had seen definite signs of it beneath his clothing), and, though loathing him, I would, after I had suffered from his kicks, throw myself into his imaginary embraces and indulge in a perfect rage of abject submission.  Yet all the time I would gladly have killed him.

“At the age of 14 I went, for a time, to a farm-house, where I was allowed to mingle familiarly with the farm-laborers, a fine set of muscular young men.  I became a great favorite, and, having childish, caressing manners a good deal behind my real age, I was allowed to take many liberties with them.  They all lived under the farmer’s roof in the old-fashioned way, and in the evening I used to sit on their knees and caress and hug them to my heart’s content.  They took it phlegmatically; it apparently gave them no surprise.  One of the men used to return my squeezes and caresses and once allowed me to put my hand under his shirt, but there were no further liberties.

“It was not until I was nearly 15 that the event happened which made me, for the first time, restless in my enforced solitude.  I was verging on puberty, and perhaps in the hope that I should find my own development met by a corresponding warmth I again came into intimate relations with the companion whose frigid performances had caused me weariness and disgust.  He was now a man, having reached majority.  He put me into his bed while he undressed himself and came toward me in perfect nudity.  In a moment we were in each other’s arms and the deliciousness of that moment intoxicated me.  Suddenly, lying on the bed, I felt attacked, as I thought, by an imperative need to make water.  I leaped up with a hurried excuse, but already the paroxysm had subsided.  No discharge came to my relief, yet the need seemed to have passed.  I returned to my companion, but the glamour of the meeting was already over.  My companion evidently found more pleasure in my person than when I was a mere child; I felt moved and flattered by the pleasure he took in pressing his face against certain parts of my body.  On a second occasion, one day, I seemed involuntarily about to transgress decency, but again, as before, separated myself, and remained ignorant of what it was on which I had verged in my excitement.  At another meeting, however,