side.  On one occasion I was flogged unjustly; conscious as I was of its cruel instead of judiciary character, this was the only castigation I received which had in it an element of gratification for my instincts.  At the same time I never forgave the hand that administered it; it is the only instance I remember in myself of a grudge nourished for years.

“Meanwhile, amid this chaos of confused love and hatred, of relish for cruelty and loathing for injustice, my first thoroughly romantic and ideal attachment was developing itself.  I may say, of those to whom romance as well as physical attachment bound me, that they have remained unchangeable parts of my nature.  Today, as it was twenty years ago, when I think of them the blood gushes to my brain, my hands tingle and moisten with an emotion I cannot subdue:  I am at their feet worshipping them.  Of them my dreams were entirely tender; the idea of cruelty never touched the conception I had of them.  But I return to that one who was the chief influence of my youth:  older than myself by only three years, he was of fine build and athletic, with adolescence showing in his face; my tremulous beginnings of worship were confirmed by a word of encouragement thrown to me one day as I went to receive my first flogging; no doubt my small, scared face excited his kind pity.  I made it my concern afterward to let him know that I had not cried under the ordeal, and I believe he passed the word around that I had taken my punishment pluckily.  So little contact had I with him that beyond constant worship on my part I remember nothing till, about three years later, I received from him a kind, half-joking solicitation, spoken in clean and simple language.  So terrific was my shyness and secrecy that I had even then no idea that familiarity of the sort was common enough in schools.  I was absolutely unable to connect my own sensations with those of the world at large or to believe that others felt as I did.  On this occasion I simply felt that some shrewd thrust had been made at me for the detection of my secret.  He had drawn me upon his knee; I sat there silent, flushing and dumbfounded.  He made no attempt to press me; he had, as he thought, said enough if I chose to be reciprocal; beyond that he would not tempt me.  A few years ago I heard of him married and prosperous.

“In following up my emotions in this direction I have far outstripped the period up to which I have given a complete exposition of my development.  I must have been more than 12 years old before school life persuaded me to face (as taught by sniggering novices) the actual facts of sexual intercourse.  At the same time I learned that I had means of extracting enjoyment from my own body in a definite direction which I had not till then suspected.  A growing resistance on my part to his cold desires had led to a break with my former intimate; to the last he had taught me nothing, except distaste for himself.