Many of the ardent Admirers of Prof.  Guff, and Capt.  Guff, and Judge Guff, and Col.  Guff believed that he had climbed to the Summit of Greatness when he appeared in his $42 Plume.  Not so.  One Year the State Militia was to have an Encampment and the Governor gave Col.  James Henry Guff the Job of buying all the Beans, Fresh Beef, and other Supplies, because there promised to be a slight rake-off.  Officially he was known as the Commissary-General.

Thus it came about that after Years of Endeavor, James Henry Guff, who left the Post a poor and unknown Boy, went under the Wire a real General.

When his Daughters went away to Boarding School and were introduced as the Offspring of Gen. James H. Guff they assumed a Social Leadership.  Gen. Guff led the Grand March at a great many Military Balls.  At a Banquet costing $8 per Plate he sat at the Right of the Chairman wearing Medals which had been presented to him by the 4th Ward Marching Club.  In his Address he always defended the Soldier against unwarranted Attacks and protested against hauling down the Flag at any Time or Place.

If the Government adopted a new Machine Gun, all the Reporters went over and interviewed Gen. James Henry Guff about it.  He wrote a Magazine Article on the Mistakes of the British in South Africa and likewise got rid of a few ponderous Opinions on our Policy in the Philippines.

When he died, the Funeral Procession was two miles long.  The Family had to erect two Marble Shafts so as to find Room for all of his Titles.

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MORAL:  True Democracy scorns a Title unless it has a real Significance, with the Reverse English.

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THE MANEUVERS OF JOEL AND THE DISAPPOINTED ORPHAN ASYLUM

An old Residenter, who owned a Section of Improved Land, and some Town Property besides, was getting too Feeble to go out and roast the Hired Hands, so he turned the Job over to his Son.  This Son was named Joel.  He was foolish, the same as a Fox.  Any one who got ahead of Joel had to leave a 4:30 Call and start on a Lope.  When it came to Skin Games he was the original High-Binder.

Joel took the Old Gentleman aside one Day and said to him:  “Father, you are not long for this World, and to save Lawyer Fees and avoid a tie-up in the Probate Court, I think you ought to cut up your Estate your own self, and then you will know it is done Right.”

“How had I better divide it?” asked the Old Gentleman.

“You can put the whole Shooting-Match in my Name,” suggested Joel.  “That will save a lot of Writing.  Then if any other Relatives need anything, they can come to me and try to Borrow it.”

Joel sent for a cut-rate Shyster, who brought a bundle of Papers tied with Green Braid, and assured the Old Gentleman that the Proceeding was a Mere Formality.  When a Legal Wolf wants to work the Do-Do on a Soft Thing, he always springs that Gag about a Mere Formality.