His Hickey Acquaintances came in, showing more or less Stage Fright, as they were not accustomed to seeing Rugs and Tidies.  They told him that he had a Swell Joint.  After they had been to the Tea a couple of times they began to peel and one of them started some rowdy Work on the Piano.  Another backed into a $30 Statuette and put it out of Business and then offered to pay for it, but the Host said it cost only 98 cents at a Bargain Sale.

[Illustration:  Instead of Macaulay.]

At 10 P.M. the Wife, who was in Upper Seven, referred to her Time-Table and saw Papa sitting by the Student’s Lamp, reading Macaulay.  She had no way of knowing that Papa had just been strung for a Month’s Rent in a Progressive Jack Pot.

In the Morning when Papa arose and looked at the cold Welsh Rabbits and saw the Cigar Ashes all over the Place and when he had a Taste as if he were taking care of a Lap-Robe, the glad Bohemian Existence did not look as Good to him as it had when lighted up the Night before.  Especially as he had got the Zoop for some 80 Buckerines.

Still, there is no one case of Remorse that is going to head off a Man who wants to be rejuvenated.  He pulled himself together on the Second Day and resumed the Merry Clip and there was nothing doing in the Macaulay Line.  Home did not get him until the Lights had winked out in the other Places.  He would not leave the Stag Club or the German Garden, until they began putting the Chairs on the Tables.

For the first two Weeks it was immense.  In time, however, it struck him that there was a certain Monotony in spending one’s Money on the Night Owls and showing up with the Milkman.  The Poker Players were into him and he began to suspect that he needed a Guardian.

Like every other Man who sends his Wife to a Summer Place, he ended his Hurrah by making a few Resolutions and begging her to come Home.

And she will always believe that he did the Macaulay Act every Evening while she was away.  Which is just as well.

* * * * *

MORAL:  In order to put a true Value on Civilization, one should pace a few Heats with the Indians now and then.

* * * * *

HOW AN HUMBLE BEGINNER MOVED FROM ONE PINNACLE TO ANOTHER AND PLAYED THE ENTIRE CIRCUIT

A team of Proud Parents had a son named James Henry Guff.  On the Day of his Birth the Wind changed and blew in another Direction, Apples fell off the Trees, Chickens went to Roost at Mid-Day.  All Nature seemed to have been given a Jolt by the Portentous Event.  For James Henry Guff was born to know all the Brands of Human Greatness.  Destiny had put a Green Tag on him and nothing could stop him.

When he was only 18 years of age, he was elected Captain of a Volunteer Fire Department, which was a valuable Organization, only when there was a Fire no one could find the Key to the House in which they kept the Hand-Pump.  But the Papers began to speak of him as Captain Guff.  His Intimates called him Cap.  After the Hose Company disbanded, his Title clung to him and it was generally believed that he had been with Grant at Appomattox.