Time was when a Member who hated the Celt
  Might detest him aloud and declare what he felt. 
  He might use the crisp words which, if lacking in length,
  Make up for their shortness by meaning and strength. 
  But now we all fawn on the Celt and his kith,
  While we smother our feelings to suit Mr. SMITH.

  So, friends, we must choose a new Leader, and then,
  With a Man at our head we shall quit us like men: 
  We shall always retort with a sting when we’re stung,
  With the bees in our bonnet, the D’s on our tongue. 
  And the words that are honeyed shall fade like a myth,
  When an ATKINSON stands in the shoes of a SMITH.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  GENUS IRRITABILE.

First Bard. “SEEN MY SONNETS IN THE PACIFIC WEEKLY?”

Second Bard. “YES.”

First Bard. “LIKE THEM?”

Second Bard. “WELL,—­A—­CANDIDLY—­I—­”

First Bard. “OH, IF IT COMES TO THAT, CANDIDLY I ALWAYS HATED YOUR BEASTLY BALLADES AND RONDELS AND ROT IN THE ERECHTHEUM—­BUT I HAD THE DECENCY NOT TO TELL YOU SO!”]

* * * * *

TWO VIEWS OF THE NEXT INVASION.

THE OPTIMIST.

The British Fleet, by a sad mischance, had disappeared.

It was then that the Nation had to depend upon its second line of defence—­the Army.

The enemy flushed with victory, attempted to land, but were met with such a withering fire from the Volunteer Artillery, that they had to abandon the attempt in despair—­at least for awhile.  They retired for the night, and on the following morning were in front of Westgate-on-Sea.  It was then found how wise the Committee of Home Defence had been in their recommendation.  Feeling sure that the forces of the Crown would be ample to beat back any hostile attempt to seize a town the centre of one of the best of charities (St. Michael’s Convalescent Home), the Committee had deprecated the suggestion of erecting extensive fortifications.  Practically Westgate was without walls.  But there was a better defence than brickwork.  The Authorities had not been idle during the night, having utilised the Pause in the war to bring up two magnificent battalions of Militia—­the 7th Rifle Brigade and the 4th Cheshire Regiment.  Thus when the enemy succeeded in effecting a landing, they found themselves confronted by the very flower of the British Army.  In ten minutes the hostile host were crumpled up like a sheet of paper, and disappeared in hot retreat.

During the following week the entire army of the foe was allowed to land in England, and were speedily exterminated.  The contract given out by Government to an advertising undertaker was the means of making that contractor’s fortune.  Within ten days England was absolutely free from invasion.

“And are you surprised?” asked a journalist, addressing the greatest tactician of the century.