[Government Inspector leads them off delighted.  Typical
    British Father left swearing.

* * * * *

UNSELFISH HELP BY SMILES.—­“Dr. QUAIN’s advice to doctors,” says Mr. JAMES PAYN in the Illustrated London News, “always ’to look cheerful,’ ought to be written in letters of gold.”  So it is:  in notes, or cheques.  When the eminent novelist has to send for Dr. QUAIN, the latter will beam on him, and tell him a good story.  The labour he delights in will “physic PAYN.”

* * * * *

[Illustration:  THE EGOISM OF GENIUS.

Fond Mother.  “DON’T YOU WANT TO SEE THE EVENING PAPERS, MORTIMER?”

Minimus Poet.  “WHY, IS THERE ANYTHING ABOUT ME IN THEM?”

Fond Mother.  “NOT THAT I KNOW OF, DARLING.”

Minimus Poet (pettishly).  “GOOD HEAVENS, MOTHER, THEN WHAT ON EARTH SHOULD I WANT TO SEE THEM FOR?”]

* * * * *

POLITICAL ASIDES;

OR, TRUTH IN PARENTHESES.

(VERY FREELY ADAPTED FROM THOMAS HOOD.)

Fond Mother.  I really take it vastly kind,
     This visit, my dear creature! 
    A family likeness here you’ll find. 
      (Like hers?  Not in one feature!)

Friendly Visitor.  Only too happy, I am sure,
      To see the little darling,
    Our family friendships are so pure! 
     (They find effect in snarling.)

Fond Mother.  Well, dear, with your experience,
      Your aid must be of value. 
    You’ve not yet given its help immense. 
     (Nor, if I know it, shall you!)

Friendly Visitor.  Ah!  Good Nurse G-SCH-N, is she out,
      That you the babe are dandling? 
    Sweet-tempered child and strong, no doubt! 
      (The brat wants careful handling.)

Fond Mother.  G-SCH-N and D-KE are both at hand,
      But I’m so proud to show it. 
    The weakness you will understand
     (Envious, and knows I know it!)

Friendly Visitor.  Mothers must be as vigilant
      As—­say ‘Bus-strikers’ pickets. 
    It cries, dear!  What does baby want? 
      (Half-starved, and has the rickets!)

Fond Mother.  Which, think you, the best Infant’s Food? 
      You see there are so many;
    I know your judgment is so good! 
      (Not worth a single penny!)

Friendly Visitor.  Well, dear, don’t swaddle it too tight. 
      That ruins the digestion,
    And—­Forster’s Food I’ve found work right. 
     (She’ll relish that suggestion!)

Fond Mother.  Humph!  Rather out of date, I fear! 
      You’ve slight experience—­lately—­
    Next time you nurse you’ll know, my dear! 
       (She’ll like that home-thrust greatly!)