[Illustration:  ASSISTED EDUCATION BILL.]

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MITRED MISERY.

June 6th.—­Rather gratifying to find that my service to the Church—­I don’t mean Church Services—­have at length been recognised.  Just received intimation of my appointment to Bishopric of Richborough.  How wild it will make my dear old friend, Canon STARBOTTLE, to be sure!  Well—­I must accept it as a call, I suppose!

July.—­Had no idea being made a Bishop was such an expensive business.  No end of officials connected with Cathedral, all of whom demand their fee.  After spending at least L500 in this way, found there was an additional fee of a hundred guineas for “induction into the temporalities.”  As there are no temporalities nowadays, this is simply extortion.  Remarked so to the Dean, who replied (nastily, I think), “Oh, it’s for the interest of the Church not to have paupers for Prelates.”  I retorted at once, rather ably, that “I could not conceive a better plan for bringing Prelates to pauperism than the exaction of extortionate fees at Installation.”  Dean replied, sneeringly, “Oh, if you don’t value the honour, I suppose there’s still time for you to resign.”  Resign, yes; but should I get back my five or six hundred pounds?

Next year.—­Strange, how I seem to be singled out for preferment.  Am to be “translated,” it seems, to diocese of Minchester.  Can’t very well refuse, but really am only just getting over drain on my purse last year owing to my accepting Bishopric here.  And on inquiry, find that fees at Minchester much heavier than anywhere else!  Is this really a call?  Certainly a call on my pocket.  And my family cost such a tremendous lot.  And then I’ve had to do up the Palace, left by my predecessor in a perfectly shocking state of disrepair!

Later.—­My worst apprehensions were realised!  Fee for Consecration huge!  Fee for Installation, monstrous!  Fee for Investiture, a perfect swindle!  Isn’t there a song beginning “Promotion is vexation, Translation is as had?” Translation is worse!  Shall really have to consider whether there would be anything unepiscopal in negotiating a little loan, or effecting a mortgage on the Palace.

Year Later.—­Have been offered vacant Archbishopric!  No, thanks!  Late Archbishop almost swamped by the fees, and he was a rich man.  I am a poor man—­thanks to recent preferments—­and can’t afford it.  An Archbishop in the Bankruptcy Court would not look well.  “His Grace attributed his position to expenses connected with the various Installation ceremonies, and offered a composition of one-and-sixpence in the pound, which was unanimously declined by the creditors.”  When will they do away with gate-money in the Church?

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Some savants were the other day puzzling their heads to find a convenient and familiar word for the illumination produced by the electric spark.  Surely it is Edisunlight.