“Rixe,”
      Though I can’t quite fix
    Its mayning; a plague on all polyglot thricks! 
  Sthand asoide, O’BRIEN, DILLON, MCCARTHY! 
  Let ’em foight it out—­shure that’s Oirish and hearthy!

* * * * *

[Illustration:  AN IMPORTANT PERSON.

“IS DR. JONES IN TOWN?”

“YESSIR.  HAVE YOU AN APPOINTMENT?”

“NO; I DID NOT THINK IT NECESSARY.  THE LAST TIME I CALLED I HAD NO APPOINTMENT, AND SAW HIM WITHOUT ANY DIFFICULTY.”

“POSSIBLY SO, SIR, I DARESAY I WASN’T BUSY THAT MORNING!”]

* * * * *

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

[Illustration:  “And precious little too.”]

House of Commons, Monday, February 23.—­House empty to-night.  Even the fog keeps out; nothing more important under consideration than Army Vote, including expenditure of L5,632,700.  “And precious little too,” says Colonel LAURIE, doing sentry march in the Lobby.  “Wages going up everywhere! labour of all classes but one paid on higher scale than it used to be; but TOMMY ATKINS and his Colonel getting just the same now as they did twenty years ago, when living was much cheaper.  There ought to be a rise all round, and so there would be, if the Army, following example of other organised bodies of day labourers, were to strike; think I’ll mention it at Mess; should begin at the top.  Why shouldn’t the Colonels and Generals assemble in their hundreds, march to Hyde Park, where H.R.H. would address them from a stoutly-made tub?  Moral effect would be enormous; shall certainly mention it at Mess.  Perhaps, could get some practical hints from JOHN BURNS.”

These remarks dropped by the Colonel before debate opened.  During its progress received support from unexpected quarter.  HARTINGTON, suddenly waking up from usual nap on Front Bench, wanted to know when War Office is going to carry out recommendation of Royal Commission on re-organisation of Naval and Military Departments?  STANHOPE said everything turned upon vacancy in post of Commander-in-Chief.  When that berth empty, the machine would move.  No chance of immediate vacancy; the DOOK very comfortable where he is; not the sort of man to retire in face of enemy.  The only way to carry out scheme recommended by Commissioners after prolonged inquiry was to get rid of the DOOK.

“I do trust,” said STANHOPE, winking at the Strangers’ Gallery, “that the public will not interfere in this matter.  They have had the Report of the Commission in their hands for months.  They have taken no notice of it, or any action upon it.  I do hope, now their attention has been called to the matter by my noble and Radical friend opposite, they will not get up a fuss and insist that necessary and important reforms in the Army shall not be indefinitely postponed in order that the DOOK may draw his salary and enjoy his position.  If the great mass of public opinion outside the Army plainly declared their wishes in that direction, we should have to yield; but, as I said before,” and once more the Secretary furtively dropped his left eyelid as he looked up at the Strangers’ Gallery, “I hope the public will not change their attitude on this subject.”