On the carved marble to Lord Cornwallis I read that, “He defeated the Americans with great slaughter.”  And so, wherever in England I see a beautiful monument, I know that probably the inscription will tell how “he defeated” somebody.  And one grows to the belief that, while woman’s glory is her hair, man’s glory is to defeat some one.  And if he can “defeat with great slaughter” his monument is twice as high as if he had only visited on his brother man a plain undoing.

In truth, I am told by a friend who has a bias for statistics, that all monuments above fifty feet high in England are to the honor of men who have defeated other men “with great slaughter.”  The only exceptions to this rule are the Albert Memorial—­which is a tribute of wifely affection rather than a public testimonial, so therefore need not be considered here—­and a monument to a worthy brewer who died and left three hundred thousand pounds to charity.  I mentioned this fact to my friend, but he unhorsed me by declaring that modesty forbade carving truth on monuments, yet it was a fact that the brewer, too, had brought defeat to vast numbers and had, like Saul, slaughtered his thousands.

When I visited the site of the Globe Theater and found thereon a brewery, whose shares are warranted to make the owner rich beyond the dream of avarice, I was depressed.  In my boyhood I had supposed that if ever I should reach this spot where Shakespeare’s plays were first produced, I should see a beautiful park and a splendid monument; while some white-haired old patriarch would greet me, and give a little lecture to the assembled pilgrims on the great man whose footsteps had made sacred the soil beneath our feet.

But there is no park, and no monument, and no white-haired old poet to give you welcome—­only a brewery.

“Ay, mon, but ain’t ut a big un?” protested an Englishman who heard my murmurs.

Yes, yes, I must be truthful—­it is a big brewery, and there are four big bulldogs in the courtway; and there are big vats, and big workmen in big aprons.  And each of these workmen is allowed to drink six quarts of beer each day, without charge, which proves that kindliness is not dead.  Then there are big horses that draw the big wagons, and on the corner there is a big taproom where the thirsty are served with big glasses.  The founder of this brewery became rich; and if my statistical friend is right, the owners of these mighty vats have defeated mankind with “great slaughter.”

We have seen that, although Napoleon, the defeated, has a more gorgeous tomb than Wellington, who defeated him, yet there is consolation in the thought that although England has no monument to Shakespeare he now has the freedom of Elysium; while the present address of the British worthies who have battened and fattened on poor humanity’s thirst for strong drink, since Samuel Johnson was executor of Thrale’s estate, is unknown.