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THE AMUSING RATTLE’S TOPICAL NOTE-BOOK.

(FOR THE USE OF PROFESSIONAL DINERS-OUT AND OTHER AMATEUR ENTERTAINERS.)

The Meeting of Parliament.—­This is not a very promising subject, but mild mirth may be produced in outlying districts (say Southend or Honiton, Devon) by observing, that the rock upon which the Irish Party went to pieces was a happy one—­in fact, a GLAD-STONE.  This, strictly speaking, is not a new jest, and therefore must be helped out by a burst of self-supplied laughter.  You might add, that as Members of Parliament are obliged, by the rules of the House, to address their colleagues standing, there would he little chance of a seated discussion.  But you must, however, take care to cough when you say seated, so that those on the look-out for a brilliant bon-mot may know that you mean heated.

The Revolt in Chili.—­The name of the place in which the disturbances have occurred will help you effectively to remark that the outbreak is seasonable during the present inclement weather.  As the Army sympathises with the Government, and the sister service with the rioters, you can suggest “that knaves would, of course, be supported by the Navy!” This may lead up to a really magnificent burst of waggery in the assertion that the dissentients must of necessity be “all at sea.”

The New Archbishop of York.—­Insist that his Grace is a Scotchman, and not an Irishman, and prove your proposition by declaring that the road to success was “MACGEE’s (pronounced MAGGIE’s) secret!” This really splendid flash of humour will bear polishing—­as written it seems a little in the rough.  You may refer to the Primate’s universally acknowledged partiality for quiet sarcasm, by saying that “ever since he joined the ecclesiastical Bench he has been known as an arch Bishop!” These entertaining quibbles, delicately handled, should be received with enthusiasm at a five o’clock tea in a Deanery.

The New Play at the Haymarket.—­As the plot turns upon the doings of the Society of Friends, you may extract a jest by saying “that many of the characters trembled with anxiety before its production—­in fact, were quakers!” The name of the Manager of the Haymarket has frequently been the subject of a quip, if not a crank; still it may yet serve as a peg for slyly observing that, “At the fall of the Curtain, TREE, naturally enough, appeared with a bough!”

The Weather.—­Of course you must introduce this subject, and as everything that can be said has been said about it, you may quote SYDNEY SMITH as your authority for observing, that the only possible sport for M.F.H.’s at this time of the year must be “hunt—­the slipper!” If the point of this “good thing” is not immediately obvious, the fault will be with SIDNEY SMITH, and not with you.  And this quaint oddity should satiate your audience with mirth and merriment until next week—­and even longer!