CULVER.  Oh, he is.  They’re most of them too damned agreeable for anything.  Another prominent name is Orlando Bush.

TRANTO.  Ah!

MRS. CULVER.  I’ve met his wife.  She dances beautifully at charity matinees.

CULVER.  No doubt.  But apparently that’s not the reason.

TRANTO.  I know Orlando.  I’ve just bought the serial rights of his book.

CULVER.  Have you paid him?

TRANTO.  No.

CULVER.  How wise of you! (Reads).  ’Mr. Orlando Bush has written a historical sketch, with many circumstantial details, of the political origins of the present Government.  For his forbearance in kindly consenting to withold publication until the end of the war Mr. Bush receives a well-earned’—­

TRANTO.  What?

CULVER.  Knighthood.

TRANTO.  Cheap!  But what a sell for me!

CULVER.  Now, ladies and gentlemen, the last name with which I will trouble you is that of Mr. James Brill.

TRANTO.  Not Jimmy Brill!

CULVER.  Jimmy Brill.

TRANTO.  But he’s a—­

CULVER.  Stop, my dear Tranto.  No crude phrases, please. (Reads.) ’Mr. James Brill, to use the language of metaphor, possessed a pistol, which pistol he held point blank at the head of the Government.  The Government has thought it wise to purchase Mr. James Brill’s pistol—­’

TRANTO.  But he’s a—­

CULVER (raising a hand).  He is merely the man with the pistol, and in exchange for the pistol he gets a baronetcy.

TRANTO.  A baronetcy!

CULVER.  His title and pistol will go rattling down the ages, my dear Tranto, from generation to generation.  For the moment the fellow’s name stinks, but only for the moment.  In the nostrils of his grandson (third baronet), it will have a most sweet odour.

MRS. CULVER.  But all this is perfectly shocking.

CULVER.  Now I hope you comprehend my emotion, darling.

MRS. CULVER But surely there are some nice names on the List.

CULVER.  Of course.  There have to be some nice names, for the sake of the psychological effect on the public mind on New Year’s Day.  The public looks for a good name, or for a name it can understand.  It skims down the List till it sees one.  Then it says:  ‘Ah!  That’s not so bad!’ Then it skims down further till it sees another one, and it says again:  ’Ah!  That’s not so bad!’ And so on.  So that with about five or six decent names you can produce the illusion that after all the List is really rather good.

HILDEGARDE.  The strange thing to me is that decent people condescend to receive titles at all.

MRS. CULVER.  Bravo, Hildegarde!  Yes, if it’s so bad as you make out,
Arthur, why do decent people take Honours?

CULVER.  I’ll tell you.  Decent people have wives, and their wives lead them by the nose.  That’s why decent people take Honours.