You will also require a long-handled carpet-broom, which you will on arrival re-name a “cow.”  Most dressing-bags constructed for foreign travel are now fitted with these useful and picturesque articles.  The “cow” is used for two purposes.  If you are lucky enough to be appointed scorer for your side you mark the score on the handle in such a way as to be indecipherable by everyone but yourself.  This prevents disputes with regard to the accuracy of your arithmetic.  You also use it to sweep the ice in front of a friendly stone which appears likely to give up prematurely from exhaustion.  Sweeping is carried out under the direction of your captain, and the process is known in the vernacular as “sooping ’er oop.”  You are not allowed to retard the progress of a stone, friendly or otherwise, by intentionally sweeping obstructions into its path.  To discard a portion of your “cow” in front of a rapidly advancing stone is actionable.

Over-enthusiasm in “sooping ’er ’oop” should be avoided.  Ice is proverbially slippery, and if you fall on to a friendly stone from excess of energy or from debility, your side is “huffed” that stone.  This is a serious matter, and even if you are able to continue the game you are looked on with disfavour by your friends.

The object of the game is to get your stone as near as possible to the centre of the circle at the other end of the rink.  With this object you stand on the piece of tin or “crampit” before referred to, grasp the stone firmly by the handle and hurl it along the ice.  It is almost essential to let go the stone at the right moment, otherwise it will hurl you.  The game is almost identical with the commoner game of “bowls,” except for the language, which is worse.  The term “wood” is inappropriate and must be avoided, as the use of it may lay you under a charge of ignorance or flippancy, which you will find almost impossible to live down.

I will conclude with a few hints to novices.  Preserve a cool head and steady eye.  Whilst you are playing your shot your captain will be dancing about in the circle at the other end of the ice.  You will find it best to disregard his maniacal shoutings and gesticulations.  You will probably not understand half of them and will not agree with the other half.  If he should break a blood-vessel do not take any notice unless some part of his fallen body is likely to obstruct your stone.  In this case you are entitled to have him moved.

If, after you have played, cries of “hog” or “wobbler” arise, remember that you are engaged in a sport and not in politics and that there is nothing really offensive in the terms.  Finally, never scoff at the language used, and above all remember that what is one man’s game may be another’s religion.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  LIFE’S LITTLE TRAGEDIES.

SHY AND NERVOUS HUSBAND, ABANDONED IN COSTUME DEPARTMENT BY HIS
WIFE WHO HAS GONE TO THE FITTING-ROOM TO HAVE HER DRESS FITTED, AND
SURROUNDED BY TALL AND BEAUTEOUS YOUNG LADIES WHOSE ONLY BUSINESS
SEEMS TO BE TO MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE A WORM.]