MIDDLE CLASSES

WILLIE—­“Paw, what is the middle class?”

PAW—­“The middle class consists of people who are not poor enough to accept charity and not rich enough to donate anything.”

MILITANTS

See Suffragettes.

MILITARY DISCIPLINE

Murphy was a new recruit in the cavalry.  He could not ride at all, and by ill luck was given one of the most vicious horses in the troop.

“Remember,” said the sergeant, “no one is allowed to dismount without orders.”

Murphy was no sooner in the saddle than he was thrown to the ground.

“Murphy!” yelled the sergeant, when he discovered him lying breathless on the ground, “you dismounted!”

“I did.”

“Did you have orders?”

“I did.”

“From headquarters, I suppose?”

“No, sor; from hintquarters.”

“How dare you come on parade,” exclaimed an Irish sergeant to a recruit, “before a respictible man loike mysilf smothered from head to foot in graise an’ poipe clay?  Tell me now—­answer me when I spake to yez!”

The recruit was about to excuse himself for his condition when the sergeant stopped him.

“Dare yez to answer me when I puts a question to yez?” he cried.  “Hould yer lyin’ tongue, and open your face at yer peril!  Tell me now, what have ye been doin’ wid yer uniform an’ arms an’ bills?  Not a word, or I’ll clap yez in the guardroom.  When I axes yez anything an’ yez spakes I’ll have yez tried for insolence to yer superior officer, but if yez don’t answer when I questions yez, I’ll have yez punished for disobedience of orders!  So, yez see, I have yez both ways!”

Mistake, error, is the discipline through which we advance.—­Channing.

MILLINERS

Recipe for a milliner: 

  To a presence that’s much more than queenly,
    Add a manner that’s quite Vere de Vere;
  You feel like a worm in her sight when she says,
    “Only $300, my dear!”

  —­Life.

MILLIONAIRES

Recipe for a multi-millionaire: 

  Take a boy with bare feet as a starter
   Add thrift and sobriety, mixed—­
  Flavor with quarts of religion,
    And see that the tariff is fixed.

  —­Life.

MILLIONAIRE (to a beggar)—­“Be off with you this minute!”

BEGGAR—­“Look ’ere, mister; the only difference between you and me is that you are makin’ your second million, while I am still workin’ at my first.”

“Now that you have made $50,000,000, I suppose you are going to keep right on for the purpose of trying to get a hundred millions?”

“No, sir.  You do me an injustice.  I’m going to put in the rest of my time trying to get my conscience into a satisfactory condition.”