But even this great sorrow has not availed to save me from my fate.  I see it; everyone sees it:  I grow more “theatrical” every day.  And no one could be more painfully aware of the pungent silliness of theatrical ways.  The quiet, nervous, but pleasing E.C.  Cummins vanishes.  I cannot save him.  I am driven like a dead leaf before the winds of March.  My tailor even enters into the spirit of my disorder.  He has a peculiar sense of what is fitting.  I tried to get a dull grey suit from him this spring, and he foisted a brilliant blue upon me, and I see he has put braid down the sides of my new dress trousers.  My hairdresser insists upon giving me a “wave.”

I am beginning to associate with actors.  I detest them, but it is only in their company that I can feel I am not glaringly conspicuous.  Their talk infects me.  I notice a growing tendency to dramatic brevity, to dashes and pauses in my style, to a punctuation of bows and attitudes.  Barnaby has remarked it too.  I offended Wembly by calling him “Dear Boy” yesterday.  I dread the end, but I cannot escape from it.

The fact is, I am being obliterated.  Living a grey, retired life all my youth, I came to the theatre a delicate sketch of a man, a thing of tints and faint lines.  Their gorgeous colouring has effaced me altogether.  People forget how much mode of expression, method of movement, are a matter of contagion.  I have heard of stage-struck people before, and thought it a figure of speech.  I spoke of it jestingly, as a disease.  It is no jest.  It is a disease.  And I have got it badly!  Deep down within me I protest against the wrong done to my personality—­unavailingly.  For three hours or more a week I have to go and concentrate my attention on some fresh play, and the suggestions of the drama strengthen their awful hold upon me.  My manners grow so flamboyant, my passions so professional, that I doubt, as I said at the outset, whether it is really myself that behaves in such a manner.  I feel merely the core to this dramatic casing, that grows thicker and presses upon me—­me and mine.  I feel like King John’s abbot in his cope of lead.

I doubt, indeed, whether I should not abandon the struggle altogether—­ leave this sad world of ordinary life for which I am so ill fitted, abandon the name of Cummins for some professional pseudonym, complete my self-effacement, and—­a thing of tricks and tatters, of posing and pretence—­go upon the stage.  It seems my only resort—­“to hold the mirror up to Nature.”  For in the ordinary life, I will confess, no one now seems to regard me as both sane and sober.  Only upon the stage, I feel convinced, will people take me seriously.  That will be the end of it.  I know that will be the end of it.  And yet ...  I will frankly confess ... all that marks off your actor from your common man ...  I detest.  I am still largely of my Aunt Charlotte’s opinion, that play-acting is unworthy of a pure-minded man’s attention, much more participation.  Even now I would resign my dramatic criticism and try a rest.  Only I can’t get hold of Barnaby.  Letters of resignation he never notices.  He says it is against the etiquette of journalism to write to your Editor.  And when I go to see him, he gives me another big cigar and some strong whisky and soda, and then something always turns up to prevent my explanation.