I erred and strayed from the right path there still remained something, some aesthetic feeling, by the help of which I still distinguished good from evil.  At present I have none of that feeling, or if it still exists it is powerless.  If I had only at the same time lost the consciousness of what is ugly and offensive!  But no; I have it still, only it does not serve me as a curb, and is of no effect except to aggravate my troubles.  Beside my love for Aniela there is no room for anything; but consciousness does not require space.  I absorb love, hatred, and sorrow as a cancer breeds in a diseased organism.

He who has never been in a position similar to mine cannot understand it.  I knew that from love’s entanglements spring various sufferings, but I did not appreciate those sufferings.  I did not believe they were so real and so difficult to bear.  Only now I understand the difference between “knowing” and “believing,” and the meaning of the French thinker’s words:  “We know we must die, but we do not believe it.”

12 July.

To-day my pulses are beating wildly, and there is a singing in my ears; for something has occurred the memory of which thrills every nerve as in a fever.  The day was very beautiful, the evening more lovely still, and there was a full moon.  We resolved to make an excursion to Hofgastein,—­all but Pani Celina, who preferred to remain at home.  My aunt, Kromitzki, and I went down together to the villa gate, whence Kromitzki sped towards Straubinger’s to order a carriage, my aunt and I waiting for Aniela, who lingered behind.  As she did not come I went back and saw her descending the winding staircase leading from the second floor into the garden.

As the moon was on the other side, this part of the house was wrapped in darkness, and Aniela came down very slowly.  There was a moment when my head was on a level with Aniela’s feet.  The temptation was too great; I put my hands gently around them and pressed my lips to them.  I knew I should have to pay a heavy penalty for this minute of happiness, but I could not forego it.  God knows with what reverence I touched her feet, and for how much pain this moment compensated me.  But for Aniela’s resistance I should have put her foot upon my head in token that I was her servant and her slave.  She drew back and went upstairs again but I ran down calling out loudly, so that my aunt could hear me:—­

“Aniela is coming, coming.”

Nothing remained for her now but to come down again, which she could do safely, as I had remained near the gate.  At the same moment Kromitzki arrived with the carriage.  Aniela coming up to us said:—­

“I came to ask you, aunty, to let me stop at home.  I would rather not leave mamma alone.  You can go, and I will wait for you with the tea.”

“But Celina is quite well,” replied my aunt, with a shade of annoyance in her voice, “it was she who proposed the excursion, mainly for your sake.”