The Best American Humorous Short Stories eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 365 pages of information about The Best American Humorous Short Stories.

The Best American Humorous Short Stories eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 365 pages of information about The Best American Humorous Short Stories.

In words and other encouragement Mr. Pike was pronounced.  He could commend honestly, and he did so cordially.

“The thing to do, Pink, is to have your prices reg’lar, and make people pay up reg’lar.  Ten dollars for eatin’, jes’ so; eleb’n for eatin’ an’ sleepin’; half a dollar for dinner, jes’ so; quarter apiece for breakfast, supper, and bed, is what I call reason’ble bo’d.  As for me, I sca’cely know how to rig’late, because, you know, I’m a’ officer now, an’ in course I natchel has to be away sometimes an’ on expenses at ‘tother places, an’ it seem like some ’lowance ought by good rights to be made for that; don’t you think so?”

“Why, matter o’ course, Matt; what you think?  I ain’t so powerful good at figgers.  Nervy is.  S’posen you speak to her ’bout it.”

“Oh, that’s perfec’ unuseless, Pink.  I’m a’ officer o’ the law, Pink, an’ the law consider women—­well, I may say the law, she deal ’ith men, not women, an’ she expect her officers to understan’ figgers, an’ if I hadn’t o’ understood figgers Mr. Sanks wouldn’t or darsnt’ to ’p’int me his dep’ty.  Me ‘n’ you can fix them terms.  Now see here, reg’lar bo’d—­eatin’ bo’d, I mean—­is ten dollars, an’ sleepin’ and singuil meals is ‘cordin’ to the figgers you’ve sot for ’em.  Ain’t that so?  Jes’ so.  Now, Pink, you an’ me’ll keep a runnin’ account, you a-chargin’ for reg’lar bo’d, an’ I a’lowin’ to myself credics for my absentees, accordin’ to transion customers an’ singuil mealers an’ sleepers.  Is that fa’r, er is it not fa’r?”

Mr. Fluker turned his head, and after making or thinking he had made a calculation, answered: 

“That’s—­that seem fa’r, Matt.”

“Cert’nly ‘tis, Pink; I knowed you’d say so, an’ you know I’d never wish to be nothin’ but fa’r ‘ith people I like, like I do you an’ your wife.  Let that be the understandin’, then, betwix’ us.  An’ Pink, let the understandin’ be jes’ betwix’ us, for I’ve saw enough o’ this world to find out that a man never makes nothin’ by makin’ a blowin’ horn o’ his business.  You make the t’others pay up spuntial, monthly.  You ‘n’ me can settle whensomever it’s convenant, say three months from to-day.  In course I shall talk up for the house whensomever and wharsomever I go or stay.  You know that.  An’ as for my bed,” said Mr. Pike finally, “whensomever I ain’t here by bed-time, you welcome to put any transion person in it, an’ also an’ likewise, when transion custom is pressin’, and you cramped for beddin’, I’m willin’ to give it up for the time bein’; an’ rather’n you should be cramped too bad, I’ll take my chances somewhars else, even if I has to take a pallet at the head o’ the sta’r-steps.”

“Nervy,” said Mr. Fluker to his wife afterwards, “Matt Pike’s a sensibler an’ a friendlier an’ a ’commodatiner feller’n I thought.”

Then, without giving details of the contract, he mentioned merely the willingness of their boarder to resign his bed on occasions of pressing emergency.

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The Best American Humorous Short Stories from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.