The Best American Humorous Short Stories eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 365 pages of information about The Best American Humorous Short Stories.

The Best American Humorous Short Stories eBook

This eBook from the Gutenberg Project consists of approximately 365 pages of information about The Best American Humorous Short Stories.

Master Horner was at once the preeminent beau of the neighborhood, spite of the prejudice against learning.  He brushed his hair straight up in front, and wore a sky-blue ribbon for a guard to his silver watch, and walked as if the tall heels of his blunt boots were egg-shells and not leather.  Yet he was far from neglecting the duties of his place.  He was beau only on Sundays and holidays; very schoolmaster the rest of the time.

It was at a “spelling-school” that Master Horner first met the educated eyes of Miss Harriet Bangle, a young lady visiting the Engleharts in our neighborhood.  She was from one of the towns in Western New York, and had brought with her a variety of city airs and graces somewhat caricatured, set off with year-old French fashions much travestied.  Whether she had been sent out to the new country to try, somewhat late, a rustic chance for an establishment, or whether her company had been found rather trying at home, we cannot say.  The view which she was at some pains to make understood was, that her friends had contrived this method of keeping her out of the way of a desperate lover whose addresses were not acceptable to them.

If it should seem surprising that so high-bred a visitor should be sojourning in the wild woods, it must be remembered that more than one celebrated Englishman and not a few distinguished Americans have farmer brothers in the western country, no whit less rustic in their exterior and manner of life than the plainest of their neighbors.  When these are visited by their refined kinsfolk, we of the woods catch glimpses of the gay world, or think we do.

  That great medicine hath
  With its tinct gilded—­

many a vulgarism to the satisfaction of wiser heads than ours.

Miss Bangle’s manner bespoke for her that high consideration which she felt to be her due.  Yet she condescended to be amused by the rustics and their awkward attempts at gaiety and elegance; and, to say truth, few of the village merry-makings escaped her, though she wore always the air of great superiority.

The spelling-school is one of the ordinary winter amusements in the country.  It occurs once in a fortnight, or so, and has power to draw out all the young people for miles round, arrayed in their best clothes and their holiday behavior.  When all is ready, umpires are elected, and after these have taken the distinguished place usually occupied by the teacher, the young people of the school choose the two best scholars to head the opposing classes.  These leaders choose their followers from the mass, each calling a name in turn, until all the spellers are ranked on one side or the other, lining the sides of the room, and all standing.  The schoolmaster, standing too, takes his spelling-book, and gives a placid yet awe-inspiring look along the ranks, remarking that he intends to be very impartial, and that he shall give out nothing that is not in the spelling-book.  For the first half hour or so he chooses common and easy words, that the spirit of the evening may not be damped by the too early thinning of the classes.  When a word is missed, the blunderer has to sit down, and be a spectator only for the rest of the evening.  At certain intervals, some of the best speakers mount the platform, and “speak a piece,” which is generally as declamatory as possible.

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The Best American Humorous Short Stories from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.