Is a retailer of oaths, a deposition-monger, an evidence-maker, that lives by the labour of his conscience.  He takes money to kiss the Gospel, as Judas did Christ when he betrayed Him.  As a good conscience is a continual feast, so an ill one is with him his daily food.  He plies at a court of justice, as porters do at a market, and his business is to bear witness, as they do burdens for any man that will pay them for it.  He will swear his ears through an inch-board, and wears them merely by favour of the Court; for, being amicus curiae, they are willing to let him keep the pillory out of possession, though he has forfeited his right never so often; for when he is once outed of his ears he is past his labour, and can do the commonwealth of practisers no more service.  He is false weight in the balance of justice, and, as a lawyer’s tongue is the tongue of the balance that inclines either way according as the weight of the bribe inclines it, so does his.  He lays one hand on the Book, and the other is in the plaintiff’s or defendant’s pocket.  He feeds upon his conscience, as a monkey eats his tail.  He kisses the Book to show he renounces and takes his leave of it.  Many a parting kiss has he given the Gospel.  He pollutes it with his lips oftener than a hypocrite.  He is a sworn officer of every court and a great practiser, is admitted within the Bar, and makes good what the rest of the counsel say.  The attorney and solicitor fee and instruct him in the case, and he ventures as far for his client as any man to be laid by the ears.  He speaks more to the point than any other, yet gives false ground to his brethren of the jury, that they seldom come near the jack.  His oaths are so brittle that not one in twenty of them will hold the taking, but fly as soon as they are out.  He is worse than an ill conscience, for that bears true witness, but his is always false; and though his own conscience be said to be a thousand witnesses, he will outswear and outface them all.  He believes it no sin to bear false witness for his neighbour that pays him for it, because it is not forbidden, but only to bear false witness against his neighbour.

AN UNDESERVING FAVOURITE

Is a piece of base metal with the King’s stamp upon it, a fog raised by the sun to obscure his own brightness.  He came to preferment by unworthy offices, like one that rises with his bum forwards, which the rabble hold to be fortunate.  He got up to preferment on the wrong side, and sits as untoward in it.  He is raised rather above himself than others, or as base metals are by the test of lead, while gold and silver continue still unmoved.  He is raised and swells, like a pimple, to be an eyesore and deform the place he holds.  He is borne like a cloud on the air of the Prince’s favour, and keeps his light from the rest of his people.  He rises, like the light end of a balance, for want of weight, or as dust and feathers do, for being light.