“The Kaiser laughingly remarked that he had better have the high chair (in which the Kaiser usually sat at his council meetings).  He also gave Lord Haldane an Imperial cigar....  While discussing the naval question, the Kaiser took a copy of the new Naval Bill out of his pocket and handed it to Lord Haldane, who transferred it to his pocket without looking at it.”—­Daily Chronicle.

He probably thought it was another of the Imperial cigars.

* * * * *

[Illustration:  Grocer-fiend (who has treated three preceding customers to (a) “We ain’t got no sugar;” (b) “We have none, Madam;” and (c) “No sugar in the shop”—­to boy). “BE OFF.  WE’VE GOT NO SUGAR!”

Boy. “I DIDN’T ASK FOR NO SUGAR.  I WANT A PENNORTH O’ SODA—­AN’ THAT’S TAKEN THE’ BLOOMING SWANK OUT OF YOU, AIN’T IT?”]

* * * * *

A STRAIGHT TALK WITH L. G.

(Everyone has views as to how to win the War, but not all are vocal, or—­shall we say?—­vociferous.  If Mr. LLOYD GEORGE reads all the papers (as their Editors of course expect him to do) he cannot have missed quite a number of powerful articles in the following manner.  And even if he should miss one or two it would not matter, because there is always another in preparation.)

I’ve always said that the PREMIER shouldn’t be bothered with Parliament.  Of course I’ve said too that our old friend Demos, the new god, should have a say in affairs; but that’s an inconsistency that doesn’t count in the least, does it?

Now then, Mr. PREMIER, you’ve got the chance of your lifetime.  I always said you were a lucky devil—­in fact, I never met the Welshman that wasn’t.

You see, Parliament’s in recess, and all its trivial overpaid Members are playing golf and things.  You’ve got absolutely a free hand if only you’ll take it.  It’s quite easy and bound to succeed.  You’ve only got to do as I tell you.

For instance, you want to buck up HAIG and the people at the Front.  It’s no use them telling you they know best, being on the spot.  That’s only bluff, old man.  Don’t take any notice of them, but just order a big general offensive; and before you can say Jack Robinson we’ll have the Huns behind the Rhine.

And do tell the Navy to get a move on.  I’m glad to see my articles have made you change the heads at the Admiralty; and of course that’s all very well so far as it goes.  But it doesn’t go far enough. Have a chat with BEATTY about it. Get him to root the Huns out.  He can bombard Ostend and Zeebrugge and all those funny little places in two-twos.  Tell KING ALBERT not to mind.  We’ll easily slap up new towns for him after the War, built on the speedy American principle.

Then about that aerial offensive.  There’s really been quite enough talk about it.  We want some action, Mr. PREMIER.  Isn’t it time it came off?  Think what a bombardment of Cologne (taking care of the cathedral, of course), Frankfurt, Berlin, Essen and Hamburg would do, not to mention other places that I could if I had an atlas.