Stephen Colbert begins his speech by jokingly announcing that a throng of conspicuous high-security vehicles need to be moved to make way for another identical throng of vehicles. Colbert goes on to describe President Bush as "my hero" and asks somebody to pinch him because he must be dreaming. Appearing to second-guess himself, Colbert recommends that somebody shoot him in the face, alluding to Vice President Cheney's recent hunting accident. He also recommends that anyone who needs anything lean over and speak slowly and clearly into their table numbers so that operatives of the National Security Administration can take their orders—an allusion to the rumors that the Bush administration engaged in unlawful spying on American citizens.

Colbert claims that he and the president approach the truth in the same way: "We're not brainiacs on the nerd patrol…. We go straight from the gut, right sir...