Roy Selridge from Schenectady, New York, smelled like a tuna fish sandwich left out in the rain. He thought he had a terrific sense of humor but it was hard to laugh at a guy who had cavities in nineteen out of thirty-two teeth.
-- Eugene (Act I, Scene I)

If the Germans only knew what was coming over, they would be looking forward to this invasion.
-- Eugene (Act I, Scene I)

Toomey: "Something wrong with your dinner, Carney?" Carney: "Yes, Sarge. It’s the first food I was ever afraid of.
-- Toomey and Carney (Act I, Scene III)

If nobody obeys orders, I’ll bet we wouldn’t have more than twelve or thirteen soldiers fighting the war. We’d have headlines like, ‘Corporal Stanley Leiberman invades Sicily.
-- Eugene (Act I, Scene IV)

This is a tough one. I find it completely unredeeming in every way. Morally, ethically and sexually… but it’s got style… A-minus!
-- Eugene (Act I, Scene IV)

Sodomy is the result of doing something you don’t want to do with someone you...
-- Toomey (Act I, Scene V)