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Seinfeld (1989-1998) was a television sitcom about four friends living in New York City, considered to be one of the most popular and influential of the 1990s in the U.S.
Jerry: See, now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.
George: Really?
Jerry: Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it, it's too high, it's in no-man's land. You look like you live with your mother.
Clair: Trust me George, no one has any interest in seeing you on caffeine.
George: What, it was purple, I liked it. I don't actually recall considering the button!
Jerry: Oh you don't recall?
George: Uh no, not at this time.
Jerry: Well, Senator I'd just like to know what you knew and when you knew it.
Jerry: If you've got a t-shirt with blood stains all over it maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now.
Jerry: Women know what men want, men know what men want. What do we want? We want women!
Jerry: [to George in the laundromat] You can't over-die, you can't over-dry!
George: [to Jerry] I can't believe you want to bring in an extra bed for a woman who wants to sleep with you. Why don't you bring in an extra guy too?!
Jerry: (answering the phone) If you know what happened in the Met game, don't say anything, I taped it. Hello?
Jerry: [to Laura] So...uh make yourself at home. Uh, can I get you anything? Bread, water...salad-dressing?
The Stakeout [1.2]
Jerry: [opening bit] I think to a man, a check is like a note from your mother that says "I don't have any money, but if you'll contact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me... If you just trust me this one time I don't have any money but I have these... I wrote on these... is this of any value at all?
George: Art...Core.
Jerry: Art Core?
George: ...velay.
Jerry: Corevelay?
Jerry: Wait a second... That's her... on the right.
George: I forgot who I am! Who am I?!
Jerry: You're you. We're having lunch with Art Corvelay.
George: Vandelay!
Jerry: Corvelay!
George: Let me be the architect, I can do it!
George: I'm, uh, I'm an architect.
Vanessa: Really. What do you design?
George: Uh, railroads, uh...
Vanessa: I thought engineers do that.
George: They can...
Jerry: So, do you date immature men?
Vanessa: Almost exclusively.
Jerry: Well, what does he do? Is he an artisan, a craftsman, a labourer of some sort?
Elaine: Wall street.
Jerry: Ahh, high finance: bulls... bears... people from Conneticut.
Elaine: And he happens to be pretty good lookin'
Jerry: [pause] Alright, sir.
[playing Scrabble with this mother, she puts down her letters]
Jerry: "Quone"?
Helen: 30, 31..
Jerry: "Quone"? No, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to challenge that.
Helen: 32..
Kramer: No, you don't have to challenge that. That's a word. That's a definite word.
Jerry: I am challenging.
Kramer: Quone! To quone something.
Jerry: Uh-huh...
Helen: I'm not playing with you anymore.
Morty: Quone's not a word.
Jerry: No good. Sorry. There it is. Get it off.
Helen: Why did you make me put that down?
Kramer: Nah, we need a medical dictionary! If a patient gets difficult, you "quone" him!
The Robbery [1.3]
Jerry: [giving Elaine house sitting instructions] One last thing, Benes. Regarding sexual activity ... strictly prohibited, but, if you absolutely must, do us all a favor and do it in the tub.
Jerry: And I cannot overstate this: no soft cheeses of any kind. Is that clear?
Kramer: I'm human...
Jerry: In your way.
Jerry: [realizing his answering machine was taken] I hate the thought of someone out there returning my calls.
Kramer: How can you not have insurance?
Jerry: Because I spent my money on the Clapco D29. It's the most impenetrable lock on the market today. It has only one design flaw...the door...MUST BE CLOSED!!
Police Officer: If we find your stuff we'll let you know.
Jerry: Do you ever find anything?
Police Officer: No.
Elaine: Jerry, look at this closet! Look at this! I'm walking in it! It's a "walk-in". Can you believe it? I'm nuts about this, what do you think?
[closes closet door with Elaine still inside]
Jerry: I like that.
Male Unbonding [1.4]
Jerry: I was ten... I would've been friends with Stalin if he had a Ping-Pong table.
Jerry: I'm really running out of excuses with this guy. I need some sort of "excuse Rolodex."
George Costanza: I know a guy who took a vacation on his change.
Jerry: Where'd he go, the arcade?
Elaine: "You ran out of underwear. You can't leave the house."
Elaine: "You've been diagnosed as a multiple personality, you're not even you, you're Dan."
George: She calls me up at my office, she says, 'We have to talk.'
Jerry: Ugh, the four worst words in the English language.
George: That, or 'Whose bra is this?'
Jerry: That's worse.
Jerry: How can you talk to someone like that?
Joel: What are you saying? What, you like turkey roll?
Jerry: ...listen, Joel. I don't think we should see each other anymore.
Jerry: [to Joel] It's not you, it's me!
George: You can't just have people shoving their arms into 600 degree ovens.
Kramer: It'll all be supervised!
[regarding George's jar of pennies]
Teller: Look, I can give you these and you can roll them yourself.
George: You want me to roll six thousand of these?! What, should I quit my job?!
The Stock Tip [1.5]
Jerry: I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor.
George: I never heard him say anything really funny.
Jerry: But itâs common sense. Heâs got super strength, super speed... Iâm sure heâs got super humor.
Vanessa: I said the market fluctuates. Remember?
Jerry: Look, Vanessa, of course the market fluctuates. Everybody knows that. I just got fluctuated out of four thousand dollars!
Elaine: What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats?
Jerry: Well, it couldn't be too expensive. $13, $14 a cat?
Elaine: You want to make $28?
George: They're about to introduce some sort..of robot butcher.
Season 2
The Ex-Girlfriend [2.1]
George: Look, do I have to break up with her in person? Canât I do it over the phone? I have no stomach for these things.
Jerry: You should just do it like a band-aid: one motion, right off!
George: It was like I was makin' a prison break. You know... and I'm... I'm heading for the wall... and I trip and I twist my ankle... and they throw that light on you. So, somehow I get through the crying and I keep running. Then the cursing started. She's firing at me from the guard towers. [mocks a rifle cocking] Son-of-a-bang... son-of-a-boom. I get to the top of the wall - the front door. I open it up, I'm one-foot away, I take one last look around the penitentiary, and I jumped.
Jerry: I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.
Jerry: You know, when you read "Moby Dick" the second time Ahab and the whale become good friends.
George: Believe me. Boy-boy-girl? It doesn't look good.
Nurse: Mr. Costanza, the doctor will see you now.
George: [sarcastic] Yea...doctor...
George: I had nothing to do with any of this! I met all her friends, I didn't want to meet them. I kept trying to avoid it, I knew it would only get me in deeper, but they were everywhere! They kept popping up, all over the place. "This is Nancy, this is Susan, this is Amy... This is my cousin... this is my brother... this is my father..." It's like I'm in quicksand!
Marlene: I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do.
Jerry: You're a cashier!
Jerry: Books, books, I need my books!
The Pony Remark [2.2]
George: I cannot envision any circumstance in which Iâll ever have the opportunity to have sex again. Howâs it gonna happen? I just donât see how it could occur.
George: I just don't see what purpose is it going to serve your going? I mean, you think dead people care who's at the funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's hanging out in the back going, "I can't believe Jerry didn't show up".
Elaine: Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that?
George: If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang around Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?
Elaine: George, I met this woman. She is not traveling to any other dimensions.
Elaine: And what about the pony huh? What kind of abnormal animal is that? They're like big riding dogs.
Kramer: You don't think I can do it.
Jerry: I know that you can't, and I'm positive that you won't.
Jerry: He talks about him like he split the atom. He works for the Parks Department.
Jerry: I don't even know them. What is she, your second cousin? I mean, I've met them three times in my life.
Morty: I don't know her either. She makes me fly all the way from Florida for this, and then she criticizes my jacket.
Jerry: [to Monya] These peas are bursting with country fresh flavor.
Jerry: If I have to sit next to Uncle Leo, I am leaving, He's always grabbin' my arm when he talks to me. That's probably because so many people have left in the middle of his conversation.
Helen: [to Jerry] At least come and say hello, have a cup of coffee, then you'll leave.
Morty: How come he gets to leave?
Jerry: In fact I hate anyone that ever had a pony when they were growing up!
Monya: I had a pony.
Jerry: And who wouldn't love someone who had a pony?
Monya: You! You said so!
Jerry: I didn't know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrant's going to have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on that? I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sitting on a pony. Why would anybody come here if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesn't make sense... am I wrong?
The Jacket [2.3]
Jerry: This jacket has completely changed my life.
George: Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality. Itâs fabulous.
Mr. Benes: We had a funny guy with us in Korea. Tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific... There's nothing funny about that.
George: [singing] Master of the house, doling out the charm...
Mr. Benes: Pipe down chorus boy.
Mr. Benes: [singing] Master of the house, keeper of the inn...
Jerry: How are we going to get out of it?
George: We'll say we're frightened and we have to go home.
Elaine: My father thinks George is gay.
Jerry: Because of all the singing?
Elaine: No, he pretty much thinks everyone is gay.
George: And I'll tell you something else, I'm not even going to ask you. I want to know. But I'm not going to ask. You'll tell me when you feel comfortable.. So what was it? Four hundred? Five hundred? Did you pay five hundred for this? (Jerry's acting coy throughout the whole thing) Over six? Can't be seven. Don't tell me you paid seven hundred dollars for this jacket! Did you pay seven hundred dollars for this jacket? Is that what you're saying to me?! You are sick! Is that what you paid for this jacket?! Over seven hundred? What did you pay for this jacket? I won't say anything. I wanna know what you paid for this jacket! Oh my God! A thousand dollars?! You paid a thousand dollars for this jacket?! Alright, fine. I'm walking out of here right now thinking you paid a thousand dollars for this jacket, unless you tell me different. (Jerry still coy, stays silent) Oh, ho! Alright! I'll tell you what, if you don't say anything in the next five seconds, I'll know it was over a thousand...
The Phone Message [2.4]
Donna: I asked some friends of mine this week, and all of them liked the Dockers commercial.
Jerry: Boy, I bet you got a regular Algonquin round table there.
Jerry: Kramer, this is Donna.
Kramer: [snaps fingers] Cotton Dockers! [in a deeper voice] One hundred percent cotton-Dockers. If they're not Dockers, they're just pants.
Carol: Would you like to come upstairs for coffee?
George: No, thanks, I can't drink coffee late at night. It keeps me up.
George: "Coffee"'s not coffee, "coffee" is sex!
George: The light is blinking: "Come and listen to the idiot!... The idiot's on!!"
George: [to Carol] Jerry has a fear of public toilets.
Carol: That's what you had to tell me? Your father wears sneakers in the pool?
The Apartment [2.5]
Kramer: Tell me the truth: have you ever seen a better looking guy?
Jerry: Looks are so subjective.
Jerry: [about the marathon] Ah, what's to see? A woman from Norway, a guy from Kenya and 20,000 losers.
Roxanne: The marathon is great, isn't it?
Jerry: Yes, particularly if you're not in it.
George: I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.
Jerry: You have no idea what an idiot is... Elaine just gave me a chance to get out, and I didn't take it. THIS is an idiot.
George: Is that right? I just threw away a life time of guilt-free sex and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect, for I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots.
Woman cheering on marathon runners: You're all winners!
George: But suddenly, a new contender has emerged.
Kramer: [about Elaine] I still don't understand what the problem is having her in the building.
Jerry: Let me explain something to you.. You see, you're not normal. You're a great guy, I love you, but you're a pod. I, on the other hand, am a human being. I sometimes feel awkward, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings. You wouldn't understand.
Kramer: I feel like I've had two lives. My pre-mousse, and now I begin my post-mousse.
Kramer: Well, occasionally I like to help the humans.
George: I'd like to have a kid ... 'course you have to have a date first.
The Statue [2.6]
Kramer: Are you Ray?
Ray: Yes
Kramer: YEAH you're the punk I'm looking for!!
Kramer: Make love to that wall, pervert!
George: [The statue] slipped out of my hand and it broke. My parents looked at me like I smashed the ten commandments. To this day, they bring it up. It was the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father naked.
The Revenge [2.7]
Newman: [about to commit suicide] Kramer! I'm on the roof!
Kramer: Well, what are you waiting for?
George: I like sports. I could do something in sports.
Jerry: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. In what capacity?
George: You know, like the general manager of a baseball team or something.
Jerry: Yeah. Well, that..that could be tough to get.
George: Well, it doesn't even have to be the general manager. Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a color man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game.
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.
George: What about that?
Jerry: Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.
George: Well, that's really not fair.
The Heart Attack [2.8]
George: (panicking) What? Oh my god. What? Is it meningitis? Scoliosis? Lupus? Is it lupus?
Tor: Your tea is ready now. This should solve your so-called tonsil problem. It's a special concoction. It contains crampbark.
Jerry: I love crampbark.
Tor: Cleavers.
Jerry: Cleaver, I once had cleaver as a kid. I was able to lift a car!
Tor: And some couchgrass.
Jerry: Couchgrass and crampbark? You know, I think that's what killed Curly.
Tor: Do you use hot water in the shower?
George: Yes
Tor: Stop.
George: Can it be lukewarm?
The Deal [2.9]
Jerry: So how's the job situation going?
George: Still lookin'. It's pretty bad out there. What about you?
Jerry: Nothin' much. I slept with Elaine last night.
George: You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details.
Now you listen to me. I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the
mood? Well you get in the mood!
The Baby Shower [2.10]
Jerry: Explain to me how this baby shower thing works.
Elaine: What do you wanna know?
Jerry: Well, I mean, does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of violence?
Elaine: Rarely.
Jerry: Sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason.
The Chinese Restaurant [2.11]
George: She called. He yelled Cartwright. I missed her.
Jerry: Who's Cartwright?
George: I'm Cartwright!
Jerry: You're not Cartwri-
George: Of course I'm not Cartwright!
George: You know we're living in a society!
Larry David (uncredited): What did she say?? (constantly repeated offcamera)
Elaine: Ya know, its not fair people are seated first-come-first-served. It should be based on who's hungriest.
Jerry: You walk over that table, you pick up an eggroll, you don't say anything, you eat it, say "thank you very much", wipe your mouth, walk away. I give you 50 bucks.
George: What are they gonna do?
Jerry: They won't do anything; in fact, you'll be giving them a story to tell for the rest of their lives.
Elaine: 50 bucks, you'll give me 50 bucks?
Jerry: 50 bucks. That table over there, the three couples.
Elaine: OK, I don't wanna go over there and do it, and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard on it or something...
Jerry: No, no tricks.
Elaine: Should I do it, George?
George: For 50 bucks? I'd put my face in the soup and blow.
The Busboy [2.12]
[sees the manager chewing the busboy out from the dining room doorway]
Jerry: I think the busboy's in trouble.
George: Did I get him in trouble? Because of what I said?! I just told him what happened. He didn't do it on purpose!
[manager and busboy are arguing, The busboy points in the direction of George]
He pointed at me. Why did he point at me?!
Elaine: I said I would never eat here again. But, I, I.. he had to know I was kidding.
Jerry: [casually] I didn't say anything.
Kramer: ¿Como se dice.. waterbed?
Season 3
The Note [3.1]
Jerry: You hear about that kid that was kidnapped the other day in Pennsylvania?
Julianna: No.
Jerry: He was at a carnival with his mother. She goes to get a hot dog, next thing you know she turns around, boom, he's gone.
Julianna: Oh.
Jerry: Imagine how sick a person has to be to do something like that. And these people are all over the place. You never know who's crazy. I could be one of these people.
Julianna: [visibly uncomfortable] Uhm..have you seen any good movies?
Jerry: Who takes care of your boy during the day?
Julianna: We have a woman. Why?
Jerry: No no. I'm just saying.
Julianna: She had references!
Jerry: I'm sure she did, I'm sure they're impeccable. I'm talking about the ones that forge them. [refering to the massage] You know I think this is really helping.
Julianna: I don't live near here, ya know!
[Jerry comes to apologize to Julianna who has her son with her]
Julianna: I treated you, so please, just get out of the office!
Jerry: Can't you just listen to me?
Julianna: Run Billy! Run to the office and close the door!
George: This is terrible. What is this, ginger? I hate ginger. I can't understand how anyone can eat ginger.
Kramer: Hey, I saw DiMaggio in the donut shop again.
The Truth [3.2]
Jerry: So what happened? You gave her my tax papers? My papers?
George: Oh, oh, your papers
Jerry: What happened you didn't give her the papers?
George: No. I did.
Jerry: So?
George: ..I broke up with her.
Jerry: You what?
George: I broke up with her.
Jerry: I'm being audited! And you broke up with her?
George: It's OK. It's fine. She'll do it. I'm sure she'll still do it.
Jerry: Why will she still do it? She hates you now. People don't do you favors after you dump them.
George: Oh, no. We left on good terms.
Jerry: How is that possible?
George: Because I uh, I told her the truth.
Jerry: Oh my God.
George: It's OK.
Jerry: It's unheard of.
George: She asked me to.
Jerry: So you lie! What did you tell her?
George: I told her that she was pretentious.
Jerry: Pretentious!? The woman has my tax papers. You told her she was pretentious? The IRS. They're like the mafia. They can take anything they want
Jerry: You know, my cousin Douglas was in a place just like this one time. Came over to my house for dinner, there was no soda. And he went berserk. He kept screaming, "Where's the Pepsi? Where's the Pepsi?"
Elaine: You see, that's karma.
Jerry: No, that's Kramer.
George: I don't think we should see each other anymore. You're great but I'm I'm riddled with personal problems.
Patrice: What did I do?
George: Nothing It's not you. It's me. I have a fear of commitment. I don't know how to love.
Patrice: You hate my earrings don't you?
George: No, no,
Patrice: And you didn't comment on the chop sticks.
George: I love the chop sticks. I, I personally prefer a fork but they look very nice.
Patrice: You're not telling me the truth. I must have done something.
George: I have a fear of intimacy
Patrice: Don't give me cliches. I have a right to know. What did I do wrong?
George: Nothing. It's not YOU..
Patrice: I want the truth.
George: The truth. you want the truth? It is your earrings It is the chopsticks but it's so much more. You're pretentious. You call everyone by their full name You call my doorman, Sammy, "Samuel" but you didn't even say "Samuel" You went "Sam - U- EL" Papie-eh Mach-eh What is Papie-ay Mach-ay?
PATRICE: Keep goin'.
George: I, I think I made my point. I'm sorry if I was a little harsh.
The Pen [3.3]
Elaine: STELLA!!!!!!!
[Jerry's eyes are bruised all around]
Helen: What happened to your eyes?
Jerry: Well I started to go under...
Helen: With the instructor?
Jerry: Yeah, and I got about ten feet down and I felt this tremendous pressure on my mask. Like my eyeballs were being sucked out of their sockets.
[referring to Jerry's eyes]
Jack: What happened to you?
Jerry: I got in a fist fight with one of the ladies at the pool.
Photographer: Say "astronaut".
[Elaine, laughing, walks right up to the lens of the camera]
Elaine: Heh heh, say what? Haha heh! say what?
Jerry: [pulls her back] You took too many of those pills
[The dinner is an uproar while Morty and Jack are fighting]
Jerry: ALL I SAID WAS 'I LIKE THE PEN'!!!
Elaine: (comes back up) STELLA!!!!!
The Dog [3.4]
Jerry: Two hundred seats on a plane, I gotta wind up next to Yukon Jack and his dog Cujo.
Kramer: I must have been out of my mind. Look at you. Why don't you do something with your life? Sit around here all day, you contribute nothing to society. You're just taking up space. How could I be with someone like you? Couldn't respect myself.
Gavin: Prediction: You'll be calling me to ask if you can come and visit Farfel before the month is out.
Jerry: Prediction: I never see you or him again for the rest of my life.
The Library [3.5]
Bookman: You're a comedian, you make people laugh.
Jerry: I try.
Bookman: You think this is all a big joke?
Jerry: No, I don't.
Bookman: I saw you on TV once, I remembered your name from my list. I looked it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're a celebrity, that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above the law?
Jerry: Certainly not.
Bookman: Well let me tell you something, funny boy. You know that little stamp that says New York Public Library? Well that may not mean anything to you but that means a lot to me, one whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before, flashy, making a scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking: "What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books?" Well let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world. But what about that kid, sitting down opening a book, right now, in a branch of the local library, and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees in The Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers. Doesn't he deserve better? Look, if you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped. Or, maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld. Maybe that's how you get your kicks, you and your good-time buddies. Well I got a flash for you, joy-boy: Party time is over. You got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week.
George: He purposely mispronounced my name. Instead of saying "Costanza", he'd say "Can't-stand-ya, can't stand ya!". He made me smell my own gym socks once.
Kramer: Bookman? The library investigator's name is actually Bookman?
Librarian: It's true.
Kramer: That's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named "Cone".
The Parking Garage [3.6]
Jerry: I could get uromisotisis poisoning and die...thats why.
George: There's elevators all over! Everything looks the same! We're like rats in some experiment!
Jerry: You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city.
Man: [regarding driving the gang around the parking lot to find Kramer's car] I can't do it.
Elaine: But why? Why can't you do it?
Man: I can't.
Elaine: No, see that's not a reason you can't. You just don't want to.
Man: That's right.
Elaine: But why? Why don't you want to?
Man: I don't know.
Elaine: But wouldn't you get any satisfaction out of helping someone out?
Man: No, I wouldn't.
Kramer: JERRY!!!!!
Elaine: Jerry!!!
George: Unbelievable, I'm never gonna get out of here. The guy goes to pee, he never comes back. It's like a science fiction story.
Kramer: This place is HUGE!!!
The Cafe [3.7]
Babu: You bad man! You very very bad man!
Jerry: I don't know. I'm obsessed with it. It's like a spider in the toilet struggling for a survival. And even if you know it's not going to make it, you kind of root it for awhile.
Elaine: And then you flush.
Jerry: Well, it's a spider.
Jerry: Casus belli.
Elaine: Casus..belli.
The Tape [3.8]
Elaine: (jokingly) Jerry, I want to slide my tongue around you like a snake.....Ooooooooooha ,oooooohaaaa.....
The Nose Job [3.9]
Kramer: Oh, you're as pretty as them. You just need a nose job.
George: [referring to a nose job] Peter Jennings had one.
Audrey: Really?
George: Probably. They all do. In my high school, half my graduating class had them. Of course, I'm from Long Island, so...
Ava: It better be or my ex-husband owes me an explanation.
George: Yeah, good night.
Elaine: You don't care that innocent defenseless animals are being tortured so that you can look good?
George: Could we talk about this some other time?
Ava: Are you a vegetarian?
Jerry: Here we go..
Elaine: Yeah, I eat fish occasionally.
Ava: So you're a hypocrite.
George: Hey, I've eaten frogs, so nobody's perfect. Anyway-
Ava: Well, talk to me when you stop eating fish.
Elaine: Fish don't feel any pain.
Ava: How do you know? Do you communicate with fish?
Elaine: Well, they're not kept in little cages.
Ava: Ever seen a goldfish?
George: Goldfish.
Elaine: Yeah, yeah I've seen goldfish. They're not unhappy.
Ava: Oh yeah, right. Swim around in a bowl for two weeks and get flushed down the toilet, that's a good life. [To George] Let's go.
Elaine: Oh yeah, that's right. Go ahead, go ahead, maybe you can run over a squirrel!
George: That's why we're here in America.
The Alternate Side [3.11]
Agent: I'm sorry, we have no mid-size available at the moment.
Jerry: I don't understand, I made a reservation, do you have my reservation?
Agent: Yes, we do, unfortunately we ran out of cars.
Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.
Agent: I know why we have reservations.
Jerry: I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to *hold* the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.
Elaine: You'd really like him.
Jerry: Why do people always say that? I hate everyone, why would I like him?
Everybody: These pretzels are making me thirsty!! [repeated line]
[Owen, Elaine's boyfriend, is passed out on the couch]
Jerry: Should we walk him around?
Elaine and Kramer: Yes, yes.
Kramer: Yeah, I've seen them do that.
Jerry: No, no that's for a drug overdose.
Kramer: Maybe that's what he's got.
Elaine: No, no, no, no, Kramer. I just had lunch with him, he didn't leave the table.
Kramer: Well he could have dropped acid when you weren't looking.
Sid: Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't take no more sense than putting on a pair of pants. My question to you is who's putting your pants on?
Sid: Well I'm going down to visit my sister in Virginia next Wednesday, for a week, so I can't park it.
Jerry: This Wednesday?
Sid: No, next Wednesday, week after this Wednesday.
Jerry: But the Wednesday two days from now is the next Wednesday.
Sid: If I meant this Wednesday, I would have said this Wednesday. It's the week after this Wednesday.
George: Sid, who's gonna move the cars while you're away?
Sid: Whoever wants to move them, why do I care who moves them? They can move themselves if they want.
The Red Dot [3.12]
George's Boss: It has come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?
George: (pause) Who said that?
George's Boss: She did.
George: (long pause, obviously thinking of something to say) Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?
Elaine: George, this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever given me!
George: Well good, good. Take it off you're going to wear it out already. It's for special occasions this thing.
Kramer: What's that red dot on your sweater?
The Subway [3.13]
Kramer: All right, Coney Island. Ok, you can take the B or the F and switch for the N at Broadway Lafayette, or you can go over the bridge to DeKalb and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue, then switch to the IRT 2, 3, 4 or 5, but don't get on the G. See that's very tempting, but you wind up on Smith and 9th street, then you got to get on the R.
Elaine: Couldn't he just take the D straight to Coney Island?
Kramer: Well, yeah...
Jerry: Remember, don't whistle on the elevator.
George: Why not?
Jerry: That's what Willie Loman told Biff before his interview, in "Death of a Salesman".
George: What, you are comparing me to Biff Loman? Very encouraging; The biggest loser in history of American literature.
George: I hate the big broker-houses. Hate them with a passion. Big broker-houses killed my father.
The Pez Dispenser [3.14]
Jerry: Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.
Elaine: Well, maybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg.
Jerry: Even if this so-called mental defective did put something on her leg, she's still the one who laughed.
Jerry: By the way, how do you warm up before you play?
Noel: I just crack my knuckles and go.
George: ...pianist. A classical pianist. She plays the piano. She's a brilliant woman. I-I-I sat in her living room... She played the "Waldstein Sonata"! The Waldstein! We did a crossword puzzle together, in bed. It was the most fun I ever had in my entire life. Did you hear me? In my life! Y'know?
[Jerry comes out of the bathroom]
Jerry: Were you talking? I couldn't hear anything.
George: I was telling you about Noel.
Jerry: Oh, Noel! Yeah, the one who plays bongos.
The Suicide [3.15]
Elaine: But here it was, mountains of duck. And not fatty duck, either, but juicy tender breasts of duck.
George: Are there terrorists on the plane? A hotel fire -- is that it? Typhus? Malaria? Yellow fever? Lupus? Is it lupus?!
The Fix-Up [3.16]
George: Is there a pinkish hue?
Jerry: A pinkish hue?
George: Yes, a rosy glow.
Jerry: There's a hue. She's got great eyebrows, women kill to have her eyebrows.
George: Who cares about eyebrows?
George: What kind of hair?
Jerry: You know, long dark hair.
George: Flowing?
Jerry: Flowing?
George: Is it flowing? I like flowing, cascading hair. Thick lustrous hair is very important to me.
Jerry: 'Thick lustrous hair is very important to me,' is that what you said?
George: Yeah, that's right.
Jerry: Just clarifying.
Cynthia: What does he look like?
Elaine: Um, well, he's got a lot of character in his face. Um, he's short. Um, he's stocky.
Cynthia: Fat. Is that what you're saying, that he's fat?
Elaine: Powerful. He is so powerful, he can lift a hundred pounds right up over his head. And um, what else. What else. Oh, right. Um, well, he's kind of, just kind of losing his hair.
Cynthia: He's bald?
Elaine: No! No, no, no, he's not bald. He's balding.
Cynthia: So he will be bald.
Elaine: Yup.
The Boyfriend, Part 1 [3.17]
Newman: June 14, 1987, Mets-Phillies, we were enjoying a beautiful afternoon in the right field stands, when a crucial Hernandez error opens the door to a 5 run Phillies ninth, cost the Mets the game.
Kramer: Our day was ruined. There was a lot of people, you know they were waiting by the player's parking lot. Now we're coming down the ramp, Newman was in front of me, Hernandez was coming towards us. As he passes us, Newman turns and says "Nice game, pretty boy", Hernandez continues past us up the ramp.
Newman: Then a second later, something happened that changed us in a very deep and profound way from that day forward.
Elaine: What was it?
Kramer: He spit on us. And I screamed, "I'm HIT!!!!"
Newman: Then I turned and the spit ricocheted off me and it hit me.
Elaine: Wow, what a story.
Jerry: Unfortunately, the immutable laws of physics contradict the whole premise of your account. Allow me to reconstruct this if I may for Ms. Benes as I've heard this story a number of times. Newman, Kramer, if you'll indulge me. According to your story, Hernandez passes you and starts walking up the ramp. Then you say you were struck on the right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple striking Newman between the third and fourth rib. The spit then came off the rib turned and hit Newman in the right wrist causing him to drop his baseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, pauses --in mid air, mind you-- makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh. That is one magic loogie.
Newman: Well, that's the way it happened.
Jerry: What happened to your head when you got hit?
Kramer: Well, my head went back and to the left.
Jerry: Say that again.
Kramer: Back and to the left.
Jerry: (looking at Elaine) Back and to the left, back and to the left.
Elaine: So, what are you saying?
Jerry: I'm saying that the spit could not have come from behind, that there had to have been a second spitter, behind the bushes on the gravelly road. If the spitter was behind you as you claim, that would've caused your head to pitch forward.
Elaine: So the spit could've only come from the front and to the right.
Jerry: But that's not what they would have you believe.
Newman: I'm leavin'. Jerry's a nut!
Kramer: (to Newman) Wait, wait, wait. (grabs golf club from Jerry)
Jerry: The sad thing is that we may never know the real truth.
Jerry: And you want to be my latex salesman.
The Boyfriend, Part 2 [3.18]
Keith Hernandez: [thinking] Come on, I won the MVP in '79. I can do whatever I want to.
The Limo [3.19]
George: Did you see the way she was looking at me?
Jerry: She's a NAZI George, a Nazi!
George: You know who is responsible for Astroturf don't you? The JEWS! Jews, always hated grass..
Eva: What was that you said about the myth of the Holocaust?
George: Oh, I said so many things. I- (a loud blast is heard) They're shooting! They're shooting!
(After the gang arrives at Madison Square Garden)
George: I AM NOT O'BRIEN!! HEAR ME?! I AM NOT O'BRIEN!!! ASK ANYBODY! JERRY!!! JERRY!!!!!
The Good Samaritan [3.20]
George: [after seeing Robin sneeze and her husband not saying anything] God bless you.
Robin: [smiles]Thank you.
George: I wasn't going to say anything, but then I could see that he wasn't going to open his mouth.
George: No, no, I don't think I'm special. My mother always said I'm not special.
Elaine: I'm speechless! I am without speech!
The Letter [3.21]
Art patron: [describing his view of "The Kramer" portrait] He is a loathsome, offensive brute. Yet I can't look away.
George: I don't get art.
Jerry: There's nothing to get.
George: No, it always has to be explained to me, and then I have to have someone explain the explanation
The Parking Space [3.22]
Jerry: You always have to know everything that's going on, don't you?
George: All bald people look good in hats.
Elaine: You should have lived in the twenties and thirties, you know men wore hats all the time then.
George: What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew.
Jerry: Alright, that's it. The fight's already started. I'm going upstairs, who's coming? Elaine?
Elaine: It depends on who's going. (to George) Are you going?
Kramer: I'm not going if he's going.
Newman: Me either.
George: I'm not going if he's going.
Mike: Well I'm going.
Jerry: Well if he's going then I'm not going.
Newman: But it's your house.
Jerry:still don't have to go.
Elaine: Well I don't want to go if Jerry's not going.
Mike: Why won't you go if I go?
Jerry: Why? I'll tell you why.
Kramer: No. Don't, Jerry.
Jerry: Like you didn't call me a phony?
Mike: What? (to Kramer) Thanks! Real good! Jerry! First of all, I think you completely misunderstood what I said. I meant it in a complementary way. I mean, you know when people say, 'He's bad', it really means he's good, sort of thing? You know, slang.
Jerry: Use it in a sentence.
Mike: Man, that Michael Jordan is so phony. (to Kramer) Why'd you tell him?!?
Newman: Hey George, nice hat.
George: Yeah, thanks.
Newman: Can I try it on?
George: No! It, uh, it wouldn't fit you.
Newman: Well sure it would.
George: No! Get out of here, Newman.
Newman: Come on, let me try it on.
George: No, Newman, stop it.
Sheila: Let him try it on.
George: I don't want him to!
Sheila: What is wrong with you?
George: You wanna see?! (pulling off the hat to reveal the bald pate) There! There it is! (turning to Newman) Alright, here! You wanna try on the hat?! Here! Try on the hat!
Newman: Stop it, George, stop it. I was defending your parking.
George: Alright, just keep the hat!
The Keys [3.23]
Jerry: [to Newman] Now, you better tell me where Kramer is, or are we gonna have to do this the hard way?[hits the wall with his fist]
Newman: Help! Help!
Jerry: Where's Kramer?
Newman: Help!
[Elaine enters]
Elaine: What's going on?
[Newman hides behind Elaine]
Newman: They're gonna beat me up!
George: No we're not.
Jerry: We're trying to find out what happened to Kramer.
Newman: You wanna know what happened to Kramer? I'll tell you what happened to Kramer. He was ticked off. About they keys. Yeah, that's right - about the keys. Thought he got a bad rap.
Jerry: Bad rap?
Newman: Yeah, from you.
Jerry: Me?
Newman: You heard me. So he packed it up and split for the coast. La-La Land. LA.
Kramer: Do you ever yearn?
George: Yearn? Do I yearn?
Kramer: I yearn.
George: You yearn?
Kramer: Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often I sit...and yearn. Have you yearned?
George: Well not recently. I craved.
Jerry: You scared me!
Kramer: Itâs just me.
Jerry: Thatâs enough!
Elaine: I gotta get some new friends.
Season 4
The Trip, Part 1 [4.1]
Voice: Murphy Brown.
Kramer: Uh, yeah, uh, Candace Bergen please.
Voice: Who's calling please?
Kramer: Well, just tell her that it's Kramer.
[dial tone]
George: This is Morning Mist.
Officer: Hey, Lieutenant.
Lt. Martel: Yeah.
Officer: This was found on her person.
Lt. Martel: "On her person"? What kind of expression is that?
Officer: I don't know, sir. Police lingo.
Lt. Martel: Oh yeah? What's your name, son.
Officer: Ross.
Lt. Martel: Ross. Do you see that person there, Ross?
Officer: Yes, sir.
Lt. Martel: She's dead. Have you got that?
Officer: Yes, sir.
Lt. Martel: Good. Now get out of here before you find yourself on transit patrol writing tickets to senior citizens with fake bus passes.
The Trip, Part 2 [4.2]
George: I hate asking for change. They always make a face. Like I'm asking them to donate a kidney.
Jerry: Hello 911? How are you?
Jerry: [to man passing by] Excuse Me, where are we right now?
Man: Earth.
Jerry: You know, I'm on the phone with the police!! [lifts receiver up again] Some guy just gave me a wise answer.
[riding in the back of a police car]
George: There's a bag of Pepperidge Farm cookies up there.
Jerry: Which flavor?
George: Milano.
Jerry: Cops eating Milanos? What crazy town is this?
[while Jerry's talking to the police]
Jerry: My name? Oh, it's uh... [whispers] George Constanza.
The Pitch [4.3]
[phone rings]
Jerry: Uh, sorry, Excuse me one second. Hello.
Telemarketer: Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service.
Jerry: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.
Telemarketer: Uh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.
Telemarketer: No.
Jerry: Well now you know how I feel.
[Hangs up]
Kramer: No. We had a deal. There are no guarantees in life.
Newman: No, but there's karma, Kramer.
Jerry: "Karma Kramer"?
The Ticket [4.4]
Kramer: Yo-yo Ma!
Leo: You know, I know plenty of people in Hollywood too!
Newman: So I sped home to save my friend's life and I was stopped for speeding. Yes, I admit I was speeding but it was to save a man's life! A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved and to be a banker.
Jerry: You know a muffin can be very filling.
The Wallet [4.5]
George: Is Ted Danson's deal standard?
Susan: Ted Danson?
George: You know, the guy from Cheers.
Susan: Yeah, I know who he is. (laughs) You're not Ted Danson.
Morty: My wallet's gone! My wallet's gone!
The Watch [4.6]
Elaine: Okay, so he just wants to talk to you. I couldn't talk him out of it. So you just tell him that you're my boyfriend and that we're in love, okay. Can you do that?
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm your boyfriend.
Elaine: Okay.
Kramer: Have we been intimate?
Elaine: Yeah. Yeah, we've been intimate.
Kramer: Alright, how often do we do it?
Elaine: Kramer, how is that important? Honestly, do you really think he's gonna ask you that?
Kramer: Elaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're interested in stuff like that.
Elaine: Alright, alright. We do it, uh..five times a week, okay?
Kramer: Oooh, baby.
Helen: [about the waitress, to Jerry] She's very attractive.
Jerry: She's okay.
Helen: Just okay?
Jerry: She's nice.
Helen: She's better than nice.
Jerry: She's all right.
Helen: She's beautiful.
Jerry: She's not beautiful.
Helen: I think she's beautiful.
Jerry: So you ask her out.
Helen: I'm not gonna ask her out.
Jerry: Why not?
Helen: If you don't think she's beautiful, there's something wrong with you.
Jerry: She's pretty. She's not beautiful.
Helen: I should drop dead if she's not beautiful.
Jerry: I think that's a little extreme.
Leo: She's alright..
The Bubble Boy [4.7]
George: I'm sorry. The card says "Moops".
Donald/Bubble Boy: It doesn't matter. It's the Moors. There's no "Moops".
George: It's "Moops".
Donald/Bubble Boy: Moors
George: "Moops"!
Donald/Balls Boy: Moors!
Jerry: He's a bubble boy!
George: A bubble boy?!
Jerry: Yes! A bubble boy!
Susan: What's a bubble boy?
Jerry: He lives in a bubble!
George: Boy.
Elaine: Who has the [tv] remote?
Mel: He does.
Elaine: The remote goes through the bubble?
Mel: Yeah, he's in the bubble with the remote.
Jerry: So you have no control over the remote?
Mel: No, it's frustrating.
[trying to avoid hearing Naomi's obnoxious laugh]
Naomi: I thought you liked to laugh. I thought you were happy go-lucky.
Jerry: No, nah. I'm not happy and I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything I'm sad stop unlucky.
Naomi: Hahahaha.
Jerry: That's not funny, Naomi. I didn't mean to be funny there. Why don't you check the TV guide. I think uh, Holocaust is on.
Kramer: Do you mind if I smoke?
Naomi: No.
Kramer: These are Cubans. [in fake Spanish accent] "Maria, poquendo los scientos de estes con gleam!"
The Cheever Letters [4.8]
Susan: (reading one of the letters) "Dear Henry, last night with you was bliss. I fear my..orgasm has left me a cripple. I don't how how I shall ever get back to work..I love you madly, John...P.S. Loved the cabin."
Elaine: Maybe I'll go visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties and they're all "laid out for me".
The Opera [4.9]
(Jerry drops a coin that he was tossing, man picks it up)
Jerry: Hey, hey, what are you doing? That's my quarter.
Man: No, it's not. It's mine.
Jerry: I was just flipping it. It's mine.
Man: No, I dropped it. It's mine.
Jerry: All right, do you want the quarter? Take the quarter, but don't try and tell me it's yours.
Man: Well, it is mine.
Jerry: What, do you think I care about the money? Is that what you think? You want me to show you what I care about money? Here look, here look at this, here's a dollar here look, there, that's how much I care about money.
(Jerry tears up the dollar)
Man: You think I care about money? That's how much I care about money. I don't care about money.
(also tears a dollar)
Jerry: Oh yeah? Well, why don't you just get lost?
Man: Why don't you get lost?!
Jerry: Because I was standing here, that's why!
Man: Oh yeah?!
Jerry: Yeah!
(The man walks away)
Jerry: I kinda like this opera crowd, I feel tough. Anybody else got a problem?
The Virgin [4.10]
Elaine: I was talking to this guy, you know, and I just happened to throw my purse on the sofa and my diaphragm goes flying out. So I just froze, you know, "ahh!", staring at my diaphragm. You know, it's just lying there. So then, this woman, the one who sold me this hair thing, she grabbed it before the guy noticed, so, I mean, big deal, right? So I carry around my diaphragm, who doesn't? Yeah, like it's a big, big secret that women carry around their diaphragms. You never know when you're gonna need it, right?
Marla: Jerry.
Jerry: George, Marla.
George: Marla.
Marla: George. Jerry, Stacey.
Jerry: Stacey.
Stacey: Jerry.
Jerry: George, Stacey.
George: Stacey.
Stacey: George.
Jerry: George.
George: Jerry..Marla...Stacey!
The Contest [4.11]
Jerry: What's the matter?
George: My mother caught me.
Jerry: Caught you? Doing what?
George: You know. [All three give him blank stares] I was alone...
Elaine: You mean..?!
George: Uh-huh.
Kramer: [laughing] She caught you?
Jerry: Where?
George: I stopped by the house to drop the car off, and I went inside for a few minutes. Nobody was there. They're supposed to be working. My mother had a Glamour magazine; I started leafing through itâ¦
Jerry: Glamour?
[Jerry, Kramer, and Elaine laugh]
George: So, one thing led to anotherâ¦
Jerry: So, what did she do?
George: First she screams, "George, what are you doing?! My God!" And it looked like she was gonna faint - she started clutching the wall, trying to hang onto it.
Kramer: Man!
George: I didn't know whether to try and keep her from falling, or zip up.
Jerry: What did you do?
George: I zipped up!
Elaine: So, she fell?
George: Yeah. Well, I couldn't run over there the way I was!
Jerry: No, I guess not.
George: So, she fell, and then she started screaming, "My back! My back!" So, I picked her up and took her to the hospital.
Elaine: How is she?
George: She's in traction.
Elaine: Ok, I'm sorry.
George: It's not funny, Elaine.
Elaine: I know. I'm sorry. I'm serious.
George: Her back went out. She's gotta be there for a couple of days. All she said on the way over in the car was, "Why, George, why?!".. I said, "Because it's there!"
George: Well, I'll tell you this, though - I am never doing that again.
Elaine: What, you mean, in your mother's house, or all together?
George: Altogether.
Elaine: Oh, gimme a break..
Jerry: Ohhh yeah.. right.
Kramer: Oh, like you're gonna stop?
Jerry & Elaine: C'mon..
George: You don't think I can?
Jerry: No chance.
George: You think you could?
Jerry: Well, I know I could hold out longer than you.
George: Care to make it interesting?
Kramer: Wait a second, wait a second. Count me in on this.
Jerry: You?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jerry: You'll be out before we get the check.
Elaine: I want to be in on this, too.
Jerry & George: Ohh, no. No, no, no..
Elaine: Why not?
Jerry: It's like apples and oranges.
Elaine: What? Why? Why?
Jerry: Because you're a woman!
Elaine: So what?
Jerry: It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man.
Elaine: Oh.
Jerry: We have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle. It's like, uh, shaving.
Elaine: Oh, that is such boloney. I shave my legs.
Kramer: Not every day.
George: Hey, what are you doing tonight?
Jerry: Dating Marla.
George: Oh, the virgin?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Any, uh.. progress, there? What's the latest?
Jerry: Well, I got my troops amassed along the border - I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.
Jerry: Hey, let me ask you a question. In these nudist colonies, do they eat naked in the dining room?
George: I would imagine it's all naked.
Jerry: What about the chamber maids? Are they naked, too?
George: They're naked, the gardeners naked.. the bellhops. One big nude-a-rama.
Elaine: What're you looking at?
Jerry: There's a naked woman across the street.
Elaine: [chuckling] This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life. So, my friend, Joyce, is teaching an aerobics class. I'm gonna go tonight.
Jerry: Yeah.. the - the waitress should've taken it back.
Elaine: So then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're goin' to Mars.
Jerry: Uh-huh.
George: Have a good time.
Kramer: I'm out.
Elaine: What?!
Kramer: Yeah, I'm out - I'm out of the contest.
George: You're out?!
Kramer: Yeah, yeah.. What?
Elaine: Well, that was fast!
Kramer: Well, it was that woman across the street. You know, you better be careful, buddy. She's gonna get you next.
Estelle: I don't understand you. I really don't. You have nothing better to do at 3:00 in the afternoon? I go out for a quart of milk; I come home, and find my son treating his body like it was an amusement park!
George: Ma!
Estelle: Don't give me "Ma". It's a good thing I didn't hit the table. I could of cracked my head open.
George: Ma, people can hear you.
Estelle: Too bad you can't do that for a living. You'd be very successful at it. You could sell out Madison Square Garden. Thousands of people could watch you! You could be a big star!
Marla: Let's slow it down a little.
Jerry: "Slow it down"?
Marla: Well, you know..
Jerry: Ah, yeah.. I know.
Marla: You're okay with that, right?
Jerry: Yeah, yeah.. of course. What, do you think I care about the sex? What kind of person do you think I am? That doesn't mean anything to me. I don't care about that.
Kramer: So, did you make it through the night?
Jerry: Yes, I'm proud to say I did!
Kramer: So, you're still master of your domain.
Jerry: Yes. Yes I am. Master of my domain. But I will tell you this: I am going over to her apartment, and I'm tellin' her to put those shades down!
Kramer: Woah, woah, woah. What-what did you just say?
Jerry: I can't take it anymore! She's driving me crazy! I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I' here, I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest - something's gotta give!
Kramer: Do you hear what you're saying?! Can you hear it?! This is a beautiful woman walking around naked, and you want to tell her to stop?! That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! I mean, think comprehens- I'm not gonna let you do it.
Jerry: Well, I'm doin' it, get out of my way.
Kramer: No, no, no, no. You can't! You can't! This is something that comes about once in a lifetime! When we were boys, looking through our bedroom windows, we would think: "Why can't there be a woman out there, taking her clothes off?" And now that wish's come true, and you want to throw it away?!
Jerry: Look, I'm sorry-
Kramer: No, I'm not gonna let you do it, Jerry.
Jerry: Kramer, get outta my way!
Kramer: No, no, no. Don't do it. Don't do it! For my sake! God knows I don't ask you for much! Now, come on. Please, Jerry. Please! I'm beggin' ya! Please! Come on! Please!
Jerry: All right..
Kramer: Yes!
Jerry: ..All right.
Kramer: [Moving to the window] Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Jerry: She's not there!
Kramer: Oh, I can wait..
Joyce: I can get you a spot right behind him. He has got a great butt.
Elaine: Yeah. Butt. Butt. Great butt. John-John's butt.
Jerry: So the nurse was giving her a sponge bath?
George: Every night at six-thirty. The nurse was gorgeous.. then I got a look at the patient..I was going nuts.
Jerry: Well, I guess you'll be going back to that hospital.
George: Well, my mother, Jerry...
Jerry: But are you still master of your domain?
George: I am king of the county. You?
Jerry: Lord of the manor.
[Elaine enters]
Elaine: John F. Kennedy Jun-ya!
Jerry: What?
Elaine: He was in my aerobics class.
Jerry: Really? Did you talk to him?
Elaine: No, you don't understand - he was working out right in front of me. So, listen, after the class was over, I timed my walk to the door so we'd get there at the exact same moment, and he says to me, "Quite a workout."
George: "Quite a workout"? What did you say?
Elaine: I said, "yeah."
Jerry: Good one.
Elaine: So then, listen, listen. So then, I showered and I dressed, and I saw him again, on the way out. So we're walkin' and talkin', and he asked me my name - and I think I said Elaine - but, I mean, who the hell knows.. And so then, he says to me: "Do you wanna split a cab uptown?" And I said, "Sure" - even though I was going downtown. So, we get in the cab, and I mean, I have no idea where I'm goin', right? But this is John F. Kennedy Junior we're talkin' about! So, then, he says to me, "Where do you live?" And I - and I - and I was close to your block, so I said your building. So he dropped me off in front, and I had to take a cab all the way back downtown to my house.. [Picks up a glass of cold water and presses it up to her forehead to cool her off] Oh, God..
Jerry: But the question is, are you still master of your domain?
Elaine: I'm queen of the castle.
Estelle: You know what you could do? I haven't eaten lunch or dinner. I can't eat this hospital food. Maybe you could run down to the deli and get me a sandwich..
George: You got it, Ma. A little later.
Estelle: Could you go now, George? I'm very hungry. I'm weak.
George: Well, wait a little while, Ma. What's the difference?
Estelle: I don't understand why you can't do this for me!
George: I just got here, Ma! I'd like to spend a little time with you.
Estelle: But if you wait, they won't let you back in! Visiting hours are almost over!
George: Ten minutes! Here, here, have some Tic-Tacs.
Estelle: Get the hell outta here. (Angrily sets them aside) I'm sorry you came.
Nurse: [to female patient] Six o'clock, time for your sponge bath.
Estelle: George⦠I'm huuunnnggry!
George: Hang on, ma, hang on.
Kramer: [looking out the window] Oh, that's good. That's good. That's very, very good. Oh, it's hot in there.. It's hot in there. So, just walk around a little bit. Don't be ashamed, don't be ashamed.. that's good, that's good.. yes, yes, yes..
Jerry: [singing along with the TV] The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus...
Kramer: [singing] The woman across the street has nothing on, nothing on, nothing on...
George: All you got is instant coffee? Why don't you get some real coffee?
Jerry: I don't keep real coffee in here, I get my coffee on the outside! [Intercom buzzes. He answers it] Yeah?!
Elaine: It's Elaine.
Jerry: Come on up!
George: Where did you get those socks?
Jerry: I don't know.
George: I think those are my socks!
Jerry: How are these your socks?!
George: I don't know, but those are my socks! I had a pair just like that with the blue stripe, and now I don't have them anymore!
Jerry: Oh, yeah, that's right, well, you fell asleep one day on the sofa and I took them off your stinkin' feet. They looked so good to me, I just had to have them!
George: Yeah, well, they're my socks!
Jerry: They're my socks!
George: Oh boy..
Jerry: What are we doing here..
George: ..Oh boy.
Jerry: This is ridiculous.
George: Do you believe this? We're fighting. We're fighting.
Jerry: I haven't been myself lately. I've been snapping at everybody.
George: Me too. I've been yelling at strangers on the street.
[Elaine lays money on the counter]
George: You caved?!
Jerry: It's over?!
George: You're out?!
Jerry: Oh my God, the Queen is dead! What happened?
Elaine: It was, uh, John John.
Jerry and George: Ohhhhh. John John.
...
Jerry: All right, Costanza - it's just you and me.
George: And then, there were two.
Elaine: Elaine Benes Kennedy Junior..
Marla: I know how difficult this must have been for you.
Jerry: You don't know the half of it.
Marla: What do you mean?
Jerry: Well, it's kinda silly, but..
...
Marla: Contest?! A contest! This is what you do with your friends?
Jerry: No, it was just a bet. I mean, it actually started with George and his mother-
Marla: I don't want to hear another word. And to think how close I came to you being the one! I must have been out of my mind.
Elaine: [after Marla storms out] What happened?
Jerry: I told her about the contest.
Elaine: Ohh, boy, she's a whack-o.
Jerry: [looks out the window] Oh my God in heaven!
Elaine: Is that...?
George: Kramer?!
Elaine: He's waving...
[all three wave back]
The Airport [4.12]
Kramer: Listen to the bell, Grossbard. It tolls for thee.
[George gets the last copy of "Time"]
Prisoner: Hey, I was gonna take that!
George: Gee, I'm sorry... I got here first.
Prisoner: I don't care when you got here! I want the magazine.
George: You don't understand, there's a blurb about me in this magazine.
Prisoner: A blurb?!? You're a blurb! Check out the cover, idiot!
[The cover shows the prisoner's face]
Guard: All right, let's go.
Prisoner: I want the magazine!
George: Umm... No.
Prisoner: You know what I would do to you, if I wasn't in these shackles..
George: But you are, "Blanche"! You are in the shackles. Oh, I can't wait to read my "Time" magazine! Last copy, too. Maybe I'll read it tomorrow in the park! It's supposed to be a beautiful day! Have a nice life..sentence, that is!
The Pick [4.13]
Jerry: If we pick, do we not bleed?
The Movie [4.14]
Kramer: I don't wanna get a movie hot dog! I want a Papaya King hot dog!
Jerry: Elaine?
Elaine: Jerry!
Jerry: Elaine!
Voice from the movie audience: Shut up.
George: Jerry?
Jerry: George?
George: Elaine?
Elaine: George!
Jerry: Hey, where's Kramer?
The Visa [4.15]
Jerry: Well, I mean birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year's gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake we know it's not to be. That for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably. Happy birthday? No such thing.
George to Jerry: "Would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That's all I'm askin'. This woman thinks I'm very funny and now you're gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I'm gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn't seem so funny."
Cheryl : "Do you ever laugh?"
Jerry: "Not really. Sometimes when I'm in the tub..."
Jerry: So yesterday, after they took you away, I looked in my mail and I noticed that the mailman accidentally put your Visa renewal in my mail box.
Babu: Come again?
Jerry: You see, I've been home for a week and Elaine didn't give me my mail until yesterday, even though I asked her repeatedly for it.
Elaine: Yeah, but Babu, he could have come to my house to pick it up.
Babu: You had my Visa application?
Jerry: Well, not technically.
Babu: I kill you!!
Jerry: Well, what about her?
Babu: I kill both of you!!
The Shoes [4.16]
Jerry: Looking at a cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.
The Outing [4.17]
Jerry: We're not gay; not that there's anything wrong with that!
George: My name is Buck Naked. I'm a porno actor.
Jerry: I've been outed, I wasn't even in!
George: (jokingly) So, whaddya say? You know, you'll always be the only man I'll ever love.
Jerry: What's the matter with you?
George: (quietly) C'mon, go along...
Jerry: I'm not "going along". I can just see you in Berlin in 1939 goose-stepping past me: "C'mon Jerry, go along, go along!"
Kramer: (after discovering Jerry's "sexual orientation") I thought we were friends...
Kramer: Aaaah! Enough lying! The lying is through! C'mon, Jerry, the masquerade is over. You're thin, late thirties, single...
George: Two tickets to "Guys And Dolls"! I'm gonna go with you!
Jerry: "Guys And Dolls"? Isn't that a lavish, Broadway musical?
George: It's "Guys And Dolls". Not "Guys And Guys".
The Old Man [4.18]
Sid: Oh her. She steals from me. Steals my money. She says she doesn't speak English. My ass she doesn't speak English. Plays that freakin' "voo-doo" music and tries to hypnotize me. She thinks she's gonna turn me into a zombie and then rob me blind. Well, I wasn't born yesterday. I may drop dead today, but I sure as hell wasn't born yesterday! Now get the hell out of my house!
The Implant [4.19]
Sidra: And one more thing; they're real, and they're spectacular.
The Junior Mint [4.20]
Jerry: Because it's a little mint. It's a Junior Mint.
Jerry: ...Mulva?
Jerry: Dolores!
Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's. peppermint; it's delicious!
Jerry: That's true.
Kramer: It's very refreshing!
George: I guess it can't hurt him... People eat *pounds* of those things.
Jerry: They *eat* them, they don't put them next to vital organs in their abdominal cavity!
Doctor: I say it was something from above...
The Smelly Car [4.21]
George: This is beyond B.O. This is B.B.O. Jerry: Usually the O stays with the B. Once the B is gone the O leaves with it.
The Handicap Spot [4.22]
Elaine: I love the Drake!
Kramer: I got news for you: handicapped people, they don't even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are always empty.
George: He's right! It's the same thing with the feminists. You know, they want everything to be equal, everything! But when the check comes, where are they?
Elaine: What's that suppose to mean?
George: Screw the Drake!
Salesman: This is our best model: The Cougar 9000. It's the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs. This is like..you're almost glad to be handicapped.
The Pilot, Part 1 [4.23]
Jerry: Again with the sweat pants?
George: What? I'm comfortable.
Jerry: You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweat pants? You're telling the world: "I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable."
The Pilot, Part 2 [4.24]
Sandi: What's the matter?
Jerry: Nothing.
Sandi: You're acting weird. Is anything wrong?
Jerry: No.
Sandi: Are you breaking up with me?
Jerry: Are we going out?
Sandi: You're breaking up with me, aren't you?
Jerry: Do you want me to break up with you?
Sandi: If that's what you want.
Jerry: I don't even know what you're talking about.
Sandi: Fine. Break up with me.
Jerry: All right. We're broken up.
Sandi: ..Can we still be friends?
Season 5
The Mango [5.1]
George: You faked?
Elaine: On occasion.
Jerry: And the guy never knows?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: How can he not know that?
Elaine: Because I was gooood.
Jerry: I guess after that many beers he's probably a little groggy anyway.
Elaine: You didn't know
Jerry: What about the breathing, the panting... the moaning, the screaming?
Elaine: {smiles} Fake, fake...fake, fake!
Kramer: I've been faking it so I wouldnt hurt her feelings.
Elaine: Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.
Jerry: Sex to save the friendship. [starts to take off his shirt] Well if we have to we have to.
Jerry: You faked it? Why would you do that?
Kramer: Well you know, if it's enough already and I just wanna get some sleep.
Elaine: I still don't understand why we had to walk out on that movie.
Jerry: Oh that Meryl Streep, she's such a phony baloney.
Elaine: Goodnight. Thanks for a really fabulous evening.
Jerry: Oh what, you're upset?
Elaine: Yes I'm upset, can't you tell?
Jerry: No I can't, maybe you're faking!
Elaine: I'm really, really sorry I told you that.
Jerry: I'm sorry too.
Elaine: Well, stop being such a baby.
Jerry: You're a baby!
Elaine: You're a baby!
The Puffy Shirt [5.2]
Kramer: You're going to be the first pirate!
Jerry: But I don't want to be a pirate!
The Glasses [5.3]
George: I'm at the health club and while I'm in the pool, some guy walks off with my glasses. Who steals prescription glasses?
Elaine: You don't have an old pair?
George: I broke 'em playing basketball.
Jerry: He was running from a bee.
Kramer: (sees George wearing lady glasses) May I have one of those, madam?
"'Jerry"': Am I crazy, or is that a lot of gum?
"'Lloyd"': That's a lot of gum!
The Sniffing Accountant [5.4]
George: From the first time I laid eyes on a brassiere, I was enthralled.
Jerry: Half silk, half cotton, half linen. How can you go wrong?
Elaine: So because of a few bad apples, you're going to impugn an entire continent?
Jerry: Yes, I'm impugning a continent.
Frank: How long it takes to find a bra? What's going on in there? You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I'm back in two seconds...you know about the cup sizes and all? They have different cups.
George: I know about the cups.
Frank: You got the A, B, C the D. That's the biggest.
George: I know the D is the biggest. I've based my whole life on knowing that the D is the biggest.
Frank: Why do you need all that ketchup for?
George: This is my ketchup. I bought this ketchup just so I could have as much as I want.
[staking out their accountant]
Kramer: What's today?
Newman: It's Thursday.
Kramer: Really? Feels like Tuesday.
Newman: Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel, Friday has a feel, Sunday has a feel.
Kramer: I feel Tuesday and Wednesday.
Jerry: All right, shut up the both of you! You're making me nervous. Where is he already? He should've been out of work by now.
Newman: Hey, you know this is kind of fun.
Kramer: Yeah, maybe we oughta become private detectives...
Jerry: Yeah maybe you should.
Kramer: Maybe I will.
Newman: Yeah, me too.
Jerry: All right, what are you gonna say to him?
Kramer: Just gonna find out if he's interested.
Newman: Hey, hey maybe I should go with him?
Jerry: No, you stay in the car.
Newman: Who made you the leader?
Jerry: All right Newman, one more peep out of you and you're out of the whole operation! There he is. He's going to that bar.
Kramer: All right, I'm going in.
Jerry: Be careful Kramer.
Newman: I've should've gone in with him.
Jerry: No, you stay here in the car. I may need you.
Newman: What you need me in the car for?
Jerry: I might need you to get me a soda.
The Bris [5.5]
George: [showing off his perfect parking spot to Elaine and Jerry] Maybe the baby would like to see the spot.
Kramer: I'm tellin' ya! The pigman is alive. The government's been experimenting with pigmen since the fifties.
Jerry: Will you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn't mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen.
Kramer: Oh, Jerry. Would you wake up to reality! It's a military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.
George: So, any word? Did you hear from the "pigman"?
Kramer: No.
George: And he's not a "pigman" is he?
Kramer: No, he's not. He's just a fat little mental patient.
The Lip Reader [5.6]
Newman: When you control the mail, you control information!
Driver: I'm so sorry, you'll have to forgive me. I can't hear a damn thing. I went to that rock concert last night at the garden. My seats were right up against the speaker. It's a heavy metal group. "Metalli"-something.
Kramer: "Ca".
Driver: Huh?
George: Wha..?
Jerry: "Ca".
George: Ah.
The Non-Fat Yogurt [5.7]
Jerry: What the f**k are you doing, you little piece of s**t?!
Doctor: [regarding George's arm] I've looked at your X-rays.
George: Uh-huh.
Doctor: And I find that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.
George: Hmm. Really? Nothing?
Doctor: Nothing that would indicate involuntary spasms.
George: Well, it's kind of a mystery, isn't it?
Doctor: No, not really.
George: How so?
Doctor: May I suggest the possibility that you're faking?
The Barber [5.8]
George: Back in college they used to call me the little bulldog.
Jerry: I don't get this Scissorhands. Is he a superhero? Like Green Lantern? What's with this guy? I'm just asking.
George: Ta-ta, Tuttle.
Enzo: You happy with the haircut?
Newman: It's okay. A little crooked.
Enzo: How'd you like to have free haircut for six months.
Newman: What's the catch?
Enzo: You're going to get me a sample of Jerry's hair.
Newman: That job sounds like it might be worth a year of free haircuts. And a comb.
Gino: So I love the Edward Scissorhands. That's the best movie I've ever seen.
Enzo: Ah, again with the Edward Scissorhands. How can you have hand like scissors, huh? Show me one person who's got hand like scissors!
Gino: Hey, it's a beautiful dream. I'd love to be this man.
Enzo: Did you ever think about what you're going to do on the toilet? What are you going to do on the toilet?
Kramer: I'd like to have shoehorn hands.
The Masseuse [5.9]
Jerry: You're a massage teaser
George: Jerry...this woman hates me so much...I'm starting to like her.
George: A woman that hates me this much comes along once in a lifetime.
Jerry: You're a lucky guy.
[Elaine and Joel are deciding on a name change for Joel]
Elaine: O.K. You start. What's your first choice?
Joel: Stuart.
Elaine: No. Second choice.
Joel: Stu-Stuart's no good?
Elaine: I've never met a normal guy named Stuart.
Joel: O-O.K. My second choice is...Todd.
Elaine: Todd..no. Veto.
Joel: All right. Oh, hey, I think you're gonna like my first my third choice.
Elaine: Great..
Joel: Alex.
Elaine: I gotta tell you, I have a bad association with the name Alex.
Joel: Bad association?
Elaine: Yeah, in college I sat next to an Alex in art history. And he was always drinking coffee and after every sip he would go: "Ahh!". I mean every two seconds: "Ahh!". And he would take like 40 sips and after everyone: "Ahh!". I had to drop the class.
Joel: Ned?
Elaine: What is wrong with Ned?
Joel: Ned's a guy who buys irregular underwear. Next!
Elaine: Ellis.
Joel: Ellis?! You might as well go with Alex. It's the same thing!
Elaine: Ellis and Alex aren't even close.
Joel: NEXT!
Elaine: Ohh, what is the point?
Joel: No, no. Come on!
Elaine: Ok, ok...Remy.
Joel: ...Remy Rifkin? Should I get a beret?
Elaine: Oh, Stuart's a lot better! [talking like a baby] Little Stuart Rifkin likes to go shopping with his mother.
The Cigar Store Indian [5.10]
Winona: What? Like.. an "Indian giver", Jerry?
Jerry: I'm sorry, I'm not familar with that term.
Kramer: I'm doing a coffee-table book on coffee tables.
Estelle Costanza: George doesn't work. He's a bum.
The Conversion [5.11]
Father/Priest: Is there one aspect of the faith that you find particularly attractive?
George: I think the hats.
George: Is there any kind of .. express conversion?
Jerry: What, youâre cheating on your conversion test?
The Stall [5.12]
Elaine: Can you spare a square?
Woman in stall: No I can't.
Elaine: You can't spare one square?
[In reference to his inability to get a massage from his girlfriend three episodes ago]
Jerry: Oh, I've been waiting a while for this.
Erica: [To Jerry] Don't call me anymore. [To Kramer] You either.
Jerry: You're crazy.
Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry: It's impossible.
Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry: It can't be.
Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world crashing down all around you?
Jerry: He's a male bimbo...He's a mimbo!
The Dinner Party [5.13]
George: [regarding his new coat] It's Gore-tex.
Jerry: Uh, I don't feel so good.
Elaine: What's wrong?
Jerry: My stomach, I , I think it was that cookie.
Elaine: The black and white?
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: Not getting along?
Man:[Bumps into George and angrily says] Big Coat!
George: Yes, Its a big coat!
Kramer: Be careful with that coat, you'll start a war!
The Marine Biologist [5.14]
[using the ATM at the same time as the person next to him]
Jerry: "Cash advance"? Yes..no. "Balance inquiry"? No. "Receipt"? No. Processing...processing...processing. [to person next to him] I win!
Jerry: Elaine, see this T-shirt? Six years I've had this T-shirt. It's my best one, I call him...Golden Boy
Elaine: I'm on the phone here.
Jerry: Golden Boy is always the first shirt I wear out of the laundry. Here touch Golden Boy!
Elaine: No thanks. [to the phone] Yeah, yeah I'll hold.
Jerry: But see, look at the collar, see it's fraying. Golden Boy is slowly dying. Each wash is brings him one step closer, that's what makes the T-shirt such a tragic figure.
Elaine: Why don't you just let Golden Boy soak in the sink with some Woolight?
Jerry: No! The reason he's iron man is because he goes out there and plays every game. Wash! Spin! Rinse! Spin! You take that away from him, you break his spirit!
Kramer: Who wants to have some fun?!
Jerry: I do.
George: I do.
Kramer: Are you just sayin' you want to have fun or do you really want to have fun?
Jerry: I really wanna have some fun.
George: I'm just sayin' I wanna have some fun.
Kramer: Right now there are six-hundred Titleists that I got at the driving range in the trunk of my car. Why don't we drive out to Rockaway and hit them...into the ocean! Now picture this....we find a nice sweet spot between the dunes, we take out our drivers, we tee up and [he makes a golf stroke] that ball goes sailing up into the sky holds there for a moment and then....... gulp!
[pause]
George: [to Jerry] Come on. You wanna go get some lunch?
George: Diane DeConn? You saw Diane DeConn!
Jerry: Something huh?
George: Yeah! How'd she look.
Jerry: She looked great. She asked about you.
George: She did? What did she say?
Jerry: "How's George?"
George: George! She said George? She remembered my name. Diane DeConn remembered my name. She was the "it" girl!
Jerry: Yeah she asked for your number, I think she's gonna get in touch with you.
George: OK, I'm tellin' you right now if your kiddin' around I'm not gonna be able to be friends with you anymore. I'm serious about that. You got that?
Jerry: I've got no problem with that.
George: Good. Cause if this is a lie, if this is a joke, if this is your idea of some cute little game...we're finished!
Jerry: Expect a call.
George: Oh my god he's not kidding.
Jerry: Now I should tell you at this point she's under the impression the you are a.....
George: A what?
Jerry: A marine biologist.
George: A marine biologist....why am I a marine biologist?
Jerry: I may have mentioned it.
George: But I'm not a marine biologist!
Jerry: I'm aware of that.
George: Then of course with evolution the octopus lost the nostrils and took on the more familiar look that we know today. But if you look really closely you can still see a bump where the nose use to be.
'Diane: Really?
George: Yeah, but enough about fish I can talk about other things like... architecture...
George: So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you boys, I was terrified! But I pressed on and as I made my way passed the breakers a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things but I tell you Jerry at that moment I was a marine biologist!
Elaine: George I was just reading this thing in the papers, it's amazing!
George: I know I was just telling them the story.
Kramer: Come on George, finish the story.
George: The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to return soup at a deli! I got about fifty-feet out and then suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell ya he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence he gave out a big bellow. I said, "Easy big fella!" And then as I watched him struggling I realized something was obstructing his breathing. From where I was standing I could see directly into the eye of the great fish!
Jerry: Mammal.
George: Whatever.
Kramer: Well, what did you do next?
George: Then from out of nowhere a huge tidal wave lifted. Tossed like a cork, I found myself on top of him face to face with the blow-hole. I could barely see from all of the waves crashing down on top of me but I knew something was there so I reached my hand and pulled out the obstruction!
[George pulls out of the inside pocket a golf ball]
Kramer: What is that a Titleist? A hole in one, eh?
The Pie [5.15]
Ricky's supervisor: Ricky, we've been getting a tremendous response to your TR-6 mannequin.
Ricky: TR-6? I prefer to think of her as... Elaine.
The Stand In [5.16]
Jerry: How do you stop a kid from growing?
Kramer: I told you, you should offer him some cigarettes.
Mickey: I offered him cigarettes, but his stupid mother is hanging around. She won't let him have any.
George: Why don't they just hire another midget?
Mickey: It's "little people"...You got that?!
Mickey: I woulda lost my job. Any one of you would have done the same. You got no right! I'm Mickey Abbott! I stood in for Punky Brewster when all of you was nothing!
The Wife [5.17]
Kramer: "Hey Elaine, what do you say, if neither of us is married in ten years, we get hitched?"
Elaine: "Make it fifty."
Kramer: "We're engaged!"
George: "A guy leaves a puddle of sweat, that's a signal?"
Elaine: "Yeah, it's a social thing."
George: "What if he left you a used Kleenex? What's that, a valentine?"
Kramer: "My wife has an inner ear infection."
The Raincoats, Part 1 [5.18]
Jerry: She lives with her parents.
George: Really? Maybe this will become like a cool thing, living with your parents.
Jerry: Yeah, then maybe baldness will catch on.
The Fire [5.20]
Jerry: [during stand-up] To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there...you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it...you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual? What is going on? It's also the only two birthday parties where other people have to gather your friends together for you. Sometimes they're not even your friends. They make the judgement. They bring 'em in, they sit 'em down, and they tell you - 'these are your friends! Tell them thank you for coming to my birthday party.'
George: You've never heard of Bozo the Clown?
Eric: No!
George: How could you not know who Bozo the Clown is?
Eric: I don't know, I just don't.
George: How can you call yourself a clown and not know who Bozo is?
Eric: Hey, man - what are you hassling me for? This is just a gig, it's not my life. I don't know who Bozo is, what - is he a clown?
George: Is he a clown? What, are you kidding me!?
Eric: Well, what is he?
George: Yes, he's a clown!
Eric: Alright, so what's the big deal? There's millions of clowns.
George: Alright, just forget it.
Eric: Me forget it? You should forget it! You're livin' in the past, man! You're hung up on some clown from the sixties, man!
George: Alright, very good, very good...go fold your little balloon animals, Eric. Eric! What kind of name is that for a clown, huh?
George: [after the fire] I...was trying to lead the way. We needed a leader! Someone to lead the way to safety.
Robin: But you yelled "get out of my way"!
George: Because! Because, as the leader...if I die...then all hope is lost! Who would lead? The clown? Instead of castigating me, you should all be thanking me. What kind of a topsy-turvy world do we live in, where heroes are cast as villains? Brave men as cowards?
Robin: But I saw you push the women and children out of the way in a mad panic! I saw you knock them down! And when you ran out, you left everyone behind!
George: Seemingly. Seemingly, to the untrained eye, I can fully understand how you got that impression. What looked like pushing...what looked like knocking down...was a safety precaution! In a fire, you stay close to the ground, am I right? And when I ran out that door, I was not leaving anyone behind! Oh, quite the contrary! I risked my life making sure that exit was clear. Any other questions?
Fireman: How do you live with yourself?
George: It's not easy.
Jerry: So you feel "women and children first," in this day and age, is somewhat of an antiquated notion.
George: To some degree.
Jerry: So basically, it's every man, woman, child, and invalid for themselves.
George: In a manner of speaking.
Jerry: Well, it's honest.
George: Yeah. She should be commending me for treating everyone like equals.
Jerry: Well, perhaps when she's released from the burn center, she'll see things differently.
George: Perhaps.
Kramer: Why did you go over there to heckle her for?
Jerry: Because she came down to the club and heckled me. (George enters the room) I gave her a taste of her own medicine.
Kramer: Oh yeah! You gave her a taste of medicine, all right!
Jerry: Well, I didn't want her to have an accident.
George: What accident?
Kramer: Well, after he [Jerry] heckled Toby, she got so upset, she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky toe.
George: That's unbelievable!
Kramer: Yeah! Then after the ambulance left, I found the toe! So I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice, and took off for the hospital.
George: You ran?
Kramer: No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, "I got a toe here, buddy - step on it."
George: Holy cow!
Kramer: Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, "Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?" I said, "Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy - " [Throws two quick punches and an uppercut] - knocked him out cold!
George: How could you do that?!
Kramer: Then everybody is screamin,' because the driver, he's passed out from all the commotion...the bus is out of control! So, I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel and now I'm drivin' the bus.
George: You're Batman.
Kramer: Yeah. Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to, and he starts chokin' me! So I'm fightin' him off with one hand and I kept drivin' the bus with the other, y'know? Then I managed to open up the door, and I kicked him out the door with my foot, you know - at the next stop.
Jerry: You kept makin' all the stops?
Kramer: Well, people kept ringin' the bell!
George: Well, what about the toe? What happened to the toe?
Kramer: Well! I am happy to say that the little guy is back in place at the end of the line.
George: You did all this...for a pinky toe?
Kramer: Well, it's a valuable appendage.
Jerry: [about Toby]She got the promotion?
Elaine: Yep.
Jerry: Why?
Elaine: I'll tell ya why. Because of her pinky toe, that's why. Because Lippman felt so sorry for her, he didn't want to hurt her feelings.
Jerry: Too bad.
Elaine: Sure, the pinky toe is cute! But, I mean, what is it? It's useless! It does nothing. It's got that little nail that is just impossible to cut. What do we need it for?
Jerry: Because Elaine, that's the one that goes 'wee-wee-wee all the home.'
Elaine: Why don't you just shut the f-
Jerry: [during stand-up] I was in a hotel the other day, and on the back of the door in the hotel they have the fire map. I'm flattered that they think I have it together enough to stand in a burning hotel room memorizing directions. 'Yeah, I'll go left by the stairs, right by the candy machine...' I'd probably get lost, have to go back to the room, check the map again...and they always tell you, no matter what, whatever you do in a hotel fire - do not panic. Hey, I got four minutes to live, I've never panicked in my whole life - it's my option. Even if they find you, you have a perfect excuse...'Gee, I heard they saved you swingin' from the shower curtain naked with an ice bucket on your head. What happened there?' 'Well, I panicked.' 'That's understandable.'
[George's flashback to his childhood birthday]
Frank: Blow out the candles! Blow out the candles, I said! Blow out the damn candles!
Estelle: Stop it, Frank! You're killing him!
The Hamptons [5.21]
Elaine: We gotta see the new baby anyway, at least we'll get a weekend in the Hamptons out of it.
Jerry: Didn't they just have a baby?
Elaine: That was two years ago, remember? 'Jeh-Ree, you gotta see the Bay-Bee! You gotta see the Bay-Bee!'
Jerry: Is it possible they're just having babies to get people to visit them?
Kramer: Hey Jerry, you ever wear silk underwear?
Jerry: No.
Kramer: Put that on the top of your list.
Jerry: No, not for me. A little too delightful.
Elaine: Oh, isn't that weird that George and Jane haven't had sex yet, but they're spending a weekend together?
Jerry: I know, George is pretty pleased about it. It's like she signed a letter of intent.
George: I never tasted a cough medicine I didn't love.
Jane: Me too. I love cough medicine.
George: You see? We were made for each other. [Thinking to himself] It's amazing. If I reach out and touch her breast right now, she'd scream and throw me out of the car. But at this time tomorrow, I could touch it all I want.
Jane: What's your favorite?
George: Potussan. Ever try it with club soda?
Jane: No.
George: Oh, very refreshing. [Thinking again] Sex is like joining a private club. I'll be the same me tomorrow, but suddenly, the no trespassing sign will be gone.
Kramer: Hey Jerry. Rub some lotion on my back.
Jerry: Who are you, Mrs. Robinson?
Kramer: Come on, I'll rub some on yours.
Jerry: No, that's no sweet'ning the deal. No.
[Elaine enters, wearing a large hat]
Jerry: And then there's Maude.
Elaine: Look at my face, look at it. You see any lines?
Jerry: No lines.
Elaine: You know why? One word: shade.
Kramer: I'm gonna go see if there are any girls on the beach. Elaine, you wanna come?
Elaine: No thanks. I got plenty of girlfriends.
Jerry: Oh this is interesting.
Elaine: What?
Jerry: Jane's topless.
Kraner: Yo-Yo Ma.
Jerry: Boutros Boutros-Ghali.
Elaine: Nice rack.
Jerry: This is weird, wild stuff. George hasnât even seen her yet.
Elaine: Why do you think weâre getting a sneak preview?
Kramer: Maybe sheâs trying to create a buzz.
Elaine: What?
Kramer: You know, get some good word-of-mouth going.
Jerry: Is it me or was that the ugliest baby you have ever seen?
Elaine: Uh, I couldn't look. It was like the Pekinese.
Jerry: Boy, a little too much chlorine in that gene pool. And, you know, the thing is, they're never gonna know, no one's ever gonna tell them.
Elaine: Oh, you have to lie.
Jerry: It's a must lie situation.
Elaine: Yes, it's a must lie situation.
George: I love Hampton tomatoes. You know, you can eat 'em like apples. You know it's funny, the tomato never really took on as a hand fruit.
Jerry: Well, the tomato's an anomaly. So successful with the ketchup and the sauce, but you can't find a good one.
Kramer: Hey, hey, hey! Look at what I got!
George: Hey! Wow, the K-Man!
Jerry: You got lobster for everybody?
Kramer: Yeah, and they're fresh! Right out of the ocean.
George: This is fantastic. Man, what a weekend. Swimming, lobster for dinner...
Kramer: I know, it's great. And I saw Jane topless.
George: You saw who, what?
Kramer: Yeah, I saw Jane topless. Well, we all saw her.
Jerry: All right.
George: You saw Jane topless?
Jerry: Well, when you went for the tomatoes she lied out topless.
George: Oh you mean face down on her chest.
Jerry: No.
George: Face up on her back?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Well why'd she do that?
Kramer: I guess she was hot.
George: You mean she just laid there topless?
Kramer: No, no, she got up, she walked around...
George: Walked around? And you looked?
Kramer: Of course. She's got a great body, buddy.
George: [about Jane] I can't believe that you saw her before me.
Jerry: Think of me as a doctor.
George: Well, how good a look did you get?
Jerry: What do you mean?
George: Well, if she was a criminal and you had to describe her to a police-sketch artist...
Jerry: They'd pick her up in about ten minutes.
George: Great, great. So anytime you want you can just visualize her naked.
Jerry: I guess that's true...
George: Stop it, stop it! It's not fair. It's not fair. I don't like this situation, Jerry. I don't like it one bit.
Jerry: What do you want me to do? You wanna see Rachel naked?
George: Yes, yes! The punishment should fit the crime.
Jerry: You can see me naked. I can offer you that.
George: It's like I'm Neil Armstrong. I turn around for a sip of Tang and you jump out first.
Rachel: [about George] Strange man.
Jerry: Wait'll you get to know him.
George: I was in the pool! I was in the pool!
George: Well I just got back from swimming in the pool. And the water was cold...
Jerry: Oh... You mean... shrinkage.
George: Yes. Significant shrinkage.
Jerry: So you feel you were short changed.
George: Yes! I mean, if she thinks that's me she's under a complete misapprehension. That was not me, Jerry. That was not me.
Jerry: Well, so what's the difference?
George: What if she discusses it with Jane?
Jerry: Oh, she's not gonna tell Jane.
George: How do you know?
Jerry: Women aren't like us.
George: They're worse! They're much worse than us, they talk about everything!
George: Elaine! Do women know about shrinkage?
Elaine: You mean like laundry?
Jerry: Like when a man goes swimming... afterwards...
Elaine: It shrinks?!
Jerry: Like a frightened turtle.
Elaine: Why does it shrink?
George: It just does.
Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.
George: See, look at this. Rachel, my T-shirt shrunk. It used to be much bigger, and now it shrunk. You see, that's what water does. It shrinks things.
Elaine: Really? Tell us more, Mr. Science.
Elaine: Some night, huh?
Ben: Yeah, I wish I had my telescope.
Elaine: Some dinner, huh?
Ben: Nothing like fresh caught lobster.
Elaine: Some house, huh?
Ben: It was built by Mark Fargman. He build a lot of these homes here.
Elaine: Some ugly baby, huh?
Ben: What did you say?
Elaine: I said, uh, some snuggly baby.
Ben: He is something.
Elaine: Well, to tell you the truth, Dr. Feffa, I , I was surprised to hear you use a word like breathtaking to describe a baby, I mean, because you also used it referring to me.
Ben: Well, you know Elaine, sometimes you say things just to be nice.
Rachel: Kramer, I just want to thank you again for last night, you really saved me.
Michael: What happened?
Rachel: Well, I almost tried the lobster, but Kramer stopped me.
Kramer: Well I knew you'd regret it for the rest of your life.
...
Jerry: Geez, these are delicious. Where did you learn to make eggs like this?
Rachel: Umm... This is so good.
George: Ah, enjoying them?
Rachel: Mm-hmm.
George: Oh, good. You know, you might wanna try eating it with one of these. [Holds up lobster bib]
Rachel: There's lobster in these eggs?
George: Not that much. You know, they tend to shrink in the water.
The Opposite [5.22]
George: Hi, my name is George, I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
Jerry: The New York Yankees?
George: The New York [turns Yankees hat around] Yankees!
Jerry: Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle..Costanza!
George: SHUT YOUR TRAPS AND STOP KICKING THE SEATS! WEâRE TRYING TO WATCH THE MOVIE! AND IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU AGAIN WEâRE GONNA TAKE IT OUTSIDE AND IâM GONNA SHOW YOU WHAT ITâS LIKE, YOU UNDERSTAND ME? NOW SHUT YOUR MOUTHS OR IâM GONNA SHUT EM FOR YA AND IF YOU THINK I'M KIDDING, JUST TRY ME. TRY ME, BECAUSE I WOULD LOVE IT!!!
Season 6
The Chaperone [6.1]
Ms. Rhode Island: I'm watching my weight
Jerry: I'm watching my height. My doctor doesn't want me to get any taller.
Kramer: Look if you think I'm just going to step aside and do nothing while you defile this woman, you're crazy.
Kramer: Accident? This was no accident. These doves were murdered.
Sports Announcer 1: And what is with the Yankees? It looks like they're having trouble running.
Sports Announcer 2: It's their uniforms, they're too tight, they've shrunk!
Sports Announcer 1: Oh my God! Mattingly just split his pants!
Jerry: (quoting George) That's a shame.
The Big Salad [6.2]
George: Want to get some lunch?
Jerry: Just had a big bowl of Kix.
George: Oh, well, that's very mature.
Jerry: People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.
Jerry: He doesn't even care if a man answers.
Elaine: Or you.
George: She just took credit for my salad.
Elaine: Can I have a big salad?
Waitress: We don't have big salads.
George: Just tell her what's in it.
Elaine: It's a salad only bigger with lots of stuff in it.
Waitress: I can bring you two small salads
Elaine: Can you put them in a big bowl?
Waitress: We don't have big bowls.
Kramer: Poor Pinkus. Poor little Pinkus.
The Pledge Drive [6.3]
Leo: She can't do that, she's on a very fixed income! Stop the show!!
Kramer: Your Nana is missing, because she's been passing those bum checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people!
The Chinese Woman [6.4]
Kramer: "I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. My boys need a house!"
Jerry: [referring to George] It's a shame his parents didn't get divorced thirty years ago. He could've been normal.
Estelle: You're not chinese! I thought I was getting advice from an Asian woman!
Kramer: I'm out there Jerry and I'm Lovin' every minute of it!!
The Couch [6.5]
Jerry: Is it? Could it be? It is! Poppy peed on my sofa!
The Gymnast [6.6]
Kramer: "Jerry, you stand on the threshold to the magical world of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of."
Kramer: "Well, I saw mom and pop this morning, but when I went by the store on my way home the place was empty. Everything is gone. Mom and pop vanished!"
Jerry: "So all my sneakers are gone?"
Kramer: "I'm afraid so, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. I've been asking around. They didn't even have any kids."
Jerry: "Mom and pop aren't even a mom and pop?
Kramer: "It was all an act, Jerry. They conned us, and they scored big-time!"
Elaine: "So, mom and pop's plan was to move into the neighborhood, establish trust - for 48 years - and then run off with Jerry's sneakers?"
Kramer: "Apparently."
The Soup [6.8]
Jerry: I'll have the bacon club without the turkey.
George: I'll have the turkey club without the bacon.
George: You mean a walk back in. That's the toughest move in the business. You're sending me out into no mans land.
Bania: It's K.B.! I have the suit!
Jerry: I love the day date: no wine, no shower.
Jerry: This is the dinner. The soup counts.
Bania: The soup's not a meal. You were supposed to buy me a meal.
Jerry: Oh, no, it's Kenny. Slide out so he can't sit in.
Kramer: She's hungry Jerry.
Jerry: Well there's nothing left. There's no food.
Bania: Oh, get the swordfish. Best swordfish in the city. The best, Jerry.
Jerry: Iâll have the salmon.
The Secretary [6.9]
Secretary: As you can see my references are impeccable and I think I'd be a real asset here. My only concern is: I take care of my mother. Will there be many late nights?
George: I can't imagine any.
Jerry: You got no waist in that thing.
George: And your arms look like something in a kosher deli.
George: [while having sex with his secretary] I'm giving you a raise!
Jerry: Maybe you could have sex with her again and then take it back.
The Switch [6.10]
George: Well, if I hear you correctly, and I think that I do, my advice to you is to finish your meal, pay the check, leave here and never speak to anyone about this again.
Jerry: Can't be done, huh?
George: The switch?
Jerry: The switch.
George: Can't be done.
Jerry: I wonder.
George: Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the roommate switch. In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it.
Jerry: They didn't have roommates in the Middle Ages.
George: How do you know?
Jerry: Well, for one thing they didn't have apartments.
George: Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200 somewhere there were two women living together.
Jerry: The point is I intend to undertake this. And I'll do it with or without you. So if you're scared, if you haven't got the stomach for this, let's get it out right now. And I'll go on my own. If not, you can get onboard, and we can get to work. Now what's it gonna be?
George: All right, damn it, I'm in.
George: I'VE GOT IT!!
Jerry: And she's got that nice lilting feminine laugh, none of those coarse HA's. You know those?
George: Oh yeah, ha, HA, HAAA!
George: So what happened?
Jerry: She's into it.
George: Into what?
Jerry: The menage. And not only that. She just called me and said she talked to the roommate and the roommate's into the menage too.
George: That's unbelievable.
Jerry: Oh, it's a scene man.
George: Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that you know me and have access to my dementia?
Jerry: What are you talking about? I'm not goin' to do it.
George: You're not goin to do it? What do you mean, You're not goin to do it?
Jerry: I can't. I'm not an orgy guy.
George: Are you crazy? This is like discovering Plutonium ... by accident.
Jerry: Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to grow a moustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends. ... No, I'm not ready for it.
George: If only something like that could happen to me.
Jerry: Oh, shut up you couldn't do it either.
George: I know.
The Race [6.11]
Lois: Would you be able to come all the way downtown during rush hour again?
Jerry: Well, I'd have to be Superman to do that Lois.
Jerry: Man, that's some tart cider.
Lois: So, you were the fastest kid in school.
Jerry: Faster than a speeding bullet, Lois.
Kramer: Santa speaks the language of all children.
George: Well, yes this is a business office but I'm not a businessman per se. I'm here working for the people. Yes, I'm causing dissent, stirring the pot, getting people to question the whole rotten system.
Ned: Kramer, I've got some literature in my car that will change your whole way of thinking.
Jerry: Well, you really went bald there didn't you?
Jerry: I choose not to run!
Lois: What do you do?
George: I'm an architect.
Lois: Have you designed any buildings in New York?
George: Have you seen the new addition to the Guggenheim?
Lois: You did that?
George: Yep. And it didn't take very long either.
The Label Maker [6.12]
Elaine: He recycled this gift. He's a regifter.
George: I would drape myself in velvet if it was socially acceptable.
George: Well, if he can re-gift, why can't you de-gift?
Jerry: Yeah, well I don't trust this guy. I think he regifted, he degifted, and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super Bowl sex romp.
Newman: I just hope Tim Whatley's electric bills don't get lost in the mail or it could be lights out for him.
Kramer: Yes, yes. You're like Switzerland.
Jerry: I don't wanna be Switzerland.
Jerry: Oh, it's "Risk". It's a game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives.
The Scofflaw [6.13]
Jerry: Who is he not to talk to you about his life threatening illness?
George: You think I tell Jerry everything? It's not like he's my wife.
Jerry: You look like a pirate.
Kramer: I want to be a pirate.
Taxi driver: Smugness is not a good quality.
The Beard [6.16]
George: I'm going to keep seeing the bald woman.
George: Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.
Jerry: Oh that Michael, I hate him. He's just so smug.
The Kiss Hello [6.17]
George: I love these people, you can't ask 'em questions. They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius, unless it's in the confines of an office. When huge sums of money are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed!
The Doorman [6.18]
Doorman: Woah, woah, woah. May I help you?
Jerry: Yeah, I'm just going up to see Elaine Benes.
Doorman: Benes? There's no one here by that name.
Jerry: Oh, she's uh, she's house-sitting for Mr. Pitt.
Doorman: Oh. House-sitting.
Jerry: Yeah.
Doorman: What're you, the boyfriend? Here for a quickie?
Jerry: Can I just go up?
Doorman: Oh, I get it. Why waste time making small talk with the doorman? I should just shut up and do my job, opening the door for you.
[silence for a few seconds]
Jerry: How 'bout those Knicks?
Doorman: Oh, I see. On the sports page..
Jerry: Yeah.
Doorman: What makes you think I wasn't reading the Wall Street page? Oh, I know, because I'm the uneducated doorman.
Jerry: [dressed as a doorman] Hey, hey, wait a second. You live here?
Mr. Green: Of course I live here! I've lived here for twenty years. Now, if you don't let me in, I'm going to call the police and have you arrested!
[lets man pass]
Jerry: [yells after him] You think you're better than me?
The Jimmy [6.19]
Jimmy: You know Jimmy is pretty sweet on you.
Elaine: [thinks Jimmy is another guy] Aaaaaahhh! He is?!
Jimmy: Oh yeah! Jimmy's been watching you. You're just Jimmy's type.
Elaine: [charmed] Ahh! Really?
Jimmy: Jimmy's new in town. Jimmy..doesn't really know anyone.
Elaine: Oh! well I'd like to get to know him.
Jimmy: Jimmy would like to get to know you.
Jerry: He's a doctor! I mean it's supposed to be like a sterile environment. [After finding a Penthouse in Dr. Whatley's waiting room]
Jerry: Is this guy a dentist or Caligula?
George: George is getting upset!
The Doodle [6.20]
George: [referring to the doodle] I look like a troll!
Elaine: What's this, a drawing of Mr. Magoo?
Jerry: No, that's George.
Kramer: It's a story about love, deception, greed, lust, unbridled enthusiasm.
Elaine: Unbridled enthusiasm?
Kramer: That's what led to Billy Mumphry's downfall.
Elaine: Oh boy...
Kramer: You see Elaine, Billy Mumphry was a simple boy, a cock-eyed optimist if you will
The Fusilli Jerry [6.21]
Jerry: You know what a good mechanic is worth? You can't compare that to sex.
Kramer: I am Cosmo Kramer the Assman.
Frank Costanza: million-to-one shot, doc. million-to-one.
The Diplomat's Club [6.22]
Mr. Morgan: I suppose we all look alike to you, right Costanza?
Katie: Jerry, I don't want you to freak out.
Jerry: I'm freakin' out! I am freakin' out!
The Face Painter [6.23]
Elaine: [to the busboy] Oh, thanks very much, the soup was really good.
[busboy gives her a blank stare then walks away]
Jerry: What are you telling him for?
Elaine: What?
Jerry: He's the busboy, you think he cares about the soup?
Elaine: Yeah, why? Wouldn't he want the soup to be good?
Jerry: Elaine, it's all this guy can do to keep from killing himself. You think he's back there, talking to the chef, going, "Hey, they like the soup! Keep it up!"?
George: I saw Sienna again.
Elaine: Sienna?
Jerry: He's dating a crayon.
Puddy: Hey, what are you doing?! Watch where you're driving, man! Don't mess with the Devils, buddy. We're number one, we beat anybody! We're the Devils! The Devils!! Hssss!!!
The Understudy [6.24]
George: I watched "Beaches" on cable last night...give me a break.
Bette: Get some talent then you can mouth off.
Kramer: I got the pineapple! I got the pineapple!
Kramer: [on phone] A turkey sandwich, a side of slaw...you want white meat or dark?
Bette: White meat.
Kramer: Yeah, white meat. And if I see one piece of dark meat on there, it's your ass buster!
Gennice: I'm having a little trouble with all this. I mean all I ever wanted to do is sing. Now I'm the focus of this big media frenzy. [sobbing] Nobody in the show will even talk to me.
Jerry: Oh, stop your crying, will ya?
Cabbie: Wait. Wait. I know you. You knocked Bette Midler out of "Rochelle Rochelle the Musical". I want you creeps out of my cab!
Season 7
The Engagement [7.1]
[Estelle is talking to George over the phone]
Estelle: [yells out to Frank]Georgie's getting married.
Frank: Get the hell out of here. He's getting married?
Estelle: Yes.
Frank: To a woman?
Estelle: Of course to a woman. What's she look like?
Frank: I'm sure she's pretty gorgeous.
George: What difference does it make what she looks like?
Estelle: Is she pretty?
George: Yes, she's pretty. What difference does it make?
Estelle: Oh, I'm just curious.
Frank: She's not pretty?
Estelle: Let me talk to her.
George: She wants to talk to you.
Susan: Uh, hello?
Estelle: Congratulations!
Susan: I just want you to know that I love your son very much.
Estelle: You do?
Susan: : Yes.
Estelle: Really?
Susan: : Yes.
Estelle: May I ask why?
Jerry: Well, you know, we were having dinner the other night, and she's got this strangest habit: she eats her peas one at a time. You've never seen anything like it. It takes her an hour to finish them. I mean, we've had dinner other times. I've seen her eat corn niblets but she scooped them.
George: ...She scooped her niblets?
Jerry: Yes. That's what was so vexing.
The Postponement [7.2]
Jerry: Hey, Kramer, if I killed somebody would you turn me in?
Kramer: Definitely.
Jerry: You're kidding?
Kramer: No, no, I would turn you in.
Jerry: You would turn me in?
Kramer: I wouldn't even think about it.
Jerry: I can't believe you're a friend of mine.
Kramer: What kind of person are you going around killing people?
Jerry: Well, I am sure I had a good reason.
Kramer: Well, if you'll kill this person, who's to say I wouldn't be next?
Jerry: But you know me!
Kramer: I thought I DID!
Kramer: Look at this, Jerry; dropping paper on the ground. That's littering.
Jerry: Maybe you better call the cops and turn me in.
Kramer: Maybe I will.
George: Okay, how about this? All right, we get married March 21st, the first day of Spring.
Susan: What do you mean? You want to postpone the wedding?
George: No, no, no, it's not about postponing. I just think the first day of Spring is the perfect day to get married. You know, Spring! Rejuvenation! Rebirth! Everything is blooming all the-
Susan: If you don't want to marry me, George, just say so. [crying] Say so.
George: Still marry , still marry.
Susan: You don't love me.
George: Still love. Still love.
Susan: My parents told me you were too neurotic and that I was making a mistake.
George: No, no, no. No mistake, no mistake!
The Maestro [7.3]
[Jerry and Kramer are getting out of a cab in Italy]
Kramer: C'mon Jerry, this guy is crazy. Get out.
[Jerry falls out of the back seat of the cab]
Jerry: You didn't have to push me.
Kramer: I didn't push you. How much did you pay that guy?
Jerry: 75,000 lira.
Kramer: 75,000 lira? Are you out of your mind?
Jerry: Kramer, you don't understand the conversion rate.
Kramer: Oh, conversion rate, oh.
Jerry: You know I don't even know why I brought you.
Kramer: Nobody put a gun to your head.
Kramer: You know you hurt the Maestro's feelings.
Jerry: Oh what, because I didn't call him "Maestro"?
Kramer: That's right.
Jerry: Ya know I feel a little funny calling somebody Maestro.
Kramer: Why?
Jerry: Because it's a stupid thing to be called.
Kramer: Jerry, he's a conductor.
Jerry: Oh, conductor. He conducts the Policeman's Benevolent Association Orchestra.
Jerry: New shirt?
George: Yeah. You like it?
Jerry: No, not particularly.
George: Why, the color?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Too flashy?
Jerry: Yeah, it's burning my retina.
Maestro: You know, I'm sorry but, I didn't mention it earlier but actually I preferred to be called Maestro.
Elaine: Excuse me?
Maestro: Well, ya know I am a conductor.
Elaine: Yeah, so?
Maestro: Oh I suppose it's ok for Leonard Burnstein to be called Maestro because he conducted the New York Philharmonic. So he gets to be called Maestro and I don't.
Elaine: Well, I mean don't you think that he was probably called Maestro while he was conducting, not in social situations. I mean his friends probably just called him Lenny.
Kramer: Hey, hey, hey, listen to this. Jackie just called.
George: Who?
Jerry: His lawyer.
Kramer: Yeah, Java World wants to settle.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Yeah, I'm gonna be rich.
Jerry: Why are they settling?
Kramer: 'Cause they're afraid of bad publicity.
Jerry: All this because you spilled coffee on yourself?
Kramer: Yeah that's right.
George: [yelling to the waitress] I'm gonna need a coffee here. Very hot! Boiling!
The Wink [7.4]
Kramer: Oh, by the way, tomorrow night Paul O'Neill has to catch a fly ball in his hat.
The Hot Tub [7.5]
George: Right now, I sit around pretending that I'm busy.
Jerry: How do you pull that off?
George: I always look annoyed. Yeah, when you look annoyed all the time, people think that you're busy. Think about it...[puts on annoyed face]
Elaine: Yeah, you do! He looks very busy!
Jerry: Yeah, he looks busy! Yeah!
George: I know what I'm doin'. In fact Mr. Wilhelm gave me one of those little stress dolls. All right, back to work. [puts on annoyed face]
George: Hey, you bastards.
Jerry: Hey, how was the meeting?
George: I really like those sons of bitches.
Jerry: Sons of bitches?
George: Yeah! That's how they talk. You know, everyone's either a bastard or a son of a bitch. Yeah, it's like uh..."boy, that son of a bitch Boggs can really hit, uh?!"
Jean-Paul: Really?
George: Yeah, yeah. That's how they talk in the major league.
George: [over the phone] You tell that son of a bitch no Yankee is ever comin' to Houston. Not as long as you bastards are running things!
Jean-Paul: Hello.
Judy: Hello.
Jean-Paul: I'm a friend of Elaine's.
Judy: Oh, hi.
Jean-Paul: [looks at her baby] Oh, look at the cute little bastard! You are mama's little bastard, aren't you?
Manager: What the hell are you doin' harassing my tenants?
Jean-Paul: Oh come on, you son of a bitch. I'm just trying to be friendly.
The Soup Nazi [7.6]
Elaine: Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Al Pacino? You know, "Scent Of A Woman"? Who-ah! Who-ah!
Soup Nazi: Very good. Very good.
Elaine: Well, I-
Soup Nazi: You know something?
Elaine: Hmmm?
Soup Nazi: No soup for you!
Elaine: What?
Soup Nazi: Come back one year! Next!
George: Medium turkey chili.
Jerry: Medium crab bisque.
(George notices he didn't get any bread with his soup.)
George: I didn't get any bread.
Jerry: Just forget it. Let it go.
George: Um, excuse me; I think you forgot my bread.
Soup Nazi: Bread - $2.00 extra.
George: $2.00? But everyone in front of me got free bread.
Soup Nazi: You want bread?
George: Yes please.
Soup Nazi: $3.00!
George: What?
Soup Nazi: No soup for you! (Snaps fingers.)(The cashier takes away George's soup and gives him back his money.)
George: Ya know, I don't see how you can sit there eating that and not even offer me any.
Jerry: I gave you a taste. What do you want?
George: Why can't we share?
Jerry: I told you not to say anything! You can't go in there, brazenly flaunt the rules, and then think I'm gonna share with you!
George: Do you hear yourself?
Jerry: I'm sorry. This is what comes from living under a Nazi regime!
Customer: Gazpacho, por favor.
Soup Nazi: Por favor?
Customer: I'm part Spanish.
Soup Nazi: Adios muchacho!
Elaine: Hello.
Soup Nazi: You. You think you can get soup? Please. You're wasting everyone's time.
Elaine: I don't want soup. I can make my own soup. " 5 cups chopped Porcine mushrooms, half a cup of olive oil, 3 pounds celery."
Soup Nazi: That is my recipe for wild mushroom.
Elaine: Yeah, that's right. I got 'em all. Cold cucumber, corn and crab chowder, mulligatawny..
Soup Nazi: Mulliga...tawny?
Elaine: You're through Soup Nazi! No more soup for you! NEXT!
Cedric: Look at this.
Bob: It's an antique.
Cedric: It's all hand made and I love the in-lay.
Bob: Yes. Yes. me, too. Ay, it's gorgeous. Completely. Pick it up. No. No. Pick it up from the bottom over there.
Kramer: Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. What are you doing?
Bob: What does it look like we're doing? We're taking this.
Kramer: You can't take this. This belongs to a friend of mine.
Bob: Look, you wanna get hurt?
Kramer: Huh?
Bob: I don't think you wanna get hurt. Because if you wanna get hurt I can hurt you. Now, just back off.
Cedric: Bob.
Bob: Just pick it up.
Kramer: What is this, huh?
Bob: You have some kind of problem here? What is it you not understanding? We taking the armoire and that's all there is to it. Okay?
The Secret Code [7.7]
The Pool Guy [7.8]
The Sponge [7.9]
Kramer: I talk the talk and I walk the walk, baby.
Jerry: She's too good.
George: Too Good?
Jerry: I mean, she's giving and caring and generally concerned about the welfare of others. I can't be with someone like that.
George: I see what you mean,
Jerry: I admire the hell out of the her - you can't have sex with someone you admire.
Elaine: I just couldn't decide if he was really sponge worthy.
George: You know you're nuts with these sponges! George is getting frustrated!
The Gum [7.10]
The Rye[7.11]
(Jerry is trying to steal an old woman's rye)
Old Woman: Someone help!
Jerry: Shut up, you old bag!
Frank: What is this thing anyway?
Mrs. Ross: It's Cornish gamehen.
Frank: What is that? Like a little chicken?
George: It's, uh, it's not a little chicken. [laughing] "Little chicken". It's a gamebird.
Frank: Gamebird?
George: Yeah.
Frank: What do you mean? Like, you hunt it?
Mr. Ross: Yes..
Frank: How hard could it be to kill this thing?
Frank: Let me understand, you got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?
George: Why don't we talk about it another time.
Frank: But you see my point here? You only hear of a hen, a rooster and a chicken. Something's missing!
Mrs. Ross: Something's missing all right.
Mr. Ross: They're all chickens. The rooster has sex with all of them.
Frank: That's perverse!
The Caddy [7.12]
[message on Jerry's answering machine, after being informed of George's death]
Frank Costanza: Jerry, it's Frank Costanza. Mr. Steinbrenner's here, George is dead, call me back.
The Seven [7.13]
Jerry: Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.
George: So, Carrie, you and Susan are cousins. So your baby daughter is gonna be Susan's second cousin, right? So what does that make me?
Carrie: Doesn't make you anything.
George: [jokingly] Well, so, legally, I could marry your daughter.
George: Alright, I tell you what. You look like nice people, I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda.
Ken: What?
George: Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda.
Carrie: I don't know, it sounds a little strange.
George: All names sound strange the first time you hear 'em. What, you telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it?
The Cadillac(1) [7.14]
Jack: I don't feel like taking a ride. Do I have to take a ride?!
Jerry: He doesn't wanna take a ride.
Morty: Uh huh.
Jack: What d'you think? I've never ridden in a Cadillac before? Believe me, I've ridden in a Cadillac hundreds of times. Thousands!
Morty: Thousands?!
Jack: What? D'you think you're such a big shot now, because you got a Cadillac?
Morty: [dismissive] Aahh!
Jack: [dismissive, walks away] Aahh!
Morty: Could you believe that guy?
Jerry: Aahh!
The Cadillac(2) [7.15]
The Shower Head [7.16]
Newman: Look, sister, go get yourself a cup of coffee, all right? Beat it! (Pushes Elaine out the door and closes it) All right, now here's the lowdown. Through a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black market shower heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia. And from what I hear, the Serbs are fanatic about their showers.
Jerry: Not from the footage I've seen.
Kramer: I just took a bath, Jerry. A bath!
Jerry: No good?
Kramer: It's disgusting. I'm sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth. All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all around me.
Jerry: (talking to Uncle Leo) Swinging?! Are you out of your mind?! Look at you! You're disgusting! You're balding! All kinds of sounds are emanating from your body twenty-four hours a day! If there's a woman who can take your prescence for more than ten consecutive seconds, you should hold onto her like grim death! Which is not far off by the way!
Uncle Leo: But she's anti-Semite!
Jerry: Can you blame her?!
Elaine: Kramer, you look terrible.
Kramer: Look, I need the keys to your apartment, I gotta take a shower.
Elaine: What's wrong with your shower?
Kramer: There's no water pressure.
Elaine: Why don't you just go see Jerry?
[Just as Kramer is about to answer, Mr. Peterman walks past Elaine's open office door and pauses]
Kramer: Jerry's got nothing. Newman's got nothing. You're the only one I know who's got the good stuff, and I need it bad, baby, cause I feel like I got bugs crawling up my skin. Now you gotta help me out.
Peterman: [busting in] Not on my watch! [grabs Kramer by the collar] I won't have you turning my office into a den of iniquity! Get your fix somewhere else!
[Throws Kramer out and slams the door closed]
The Doll [7.17]
George: Susan has this doll collection and one of the dolls looks exactly like my mother. She likes to sleep with it.
Jerry: Wow. You were in bed with your mother last night?
George: Felt like it. I tell you, this doll is pretty spooky. It's freakin' me out, man.
Frank: His name was Carlo Costanza. We played together every day until I was four. If I could just look through your photographs, maybe I could recognize him.
Bob Cobb/Maestro: Unfortunately those photographs are at home.
Kramer: Well, listen, if you bring 'em by, maybe we could interest you in a game of pool. Yeah, Frank here, he's got his own billiard room.
Frank: Yes, It's, uh, it's..uh, uh.. What do you call it, Kramer?
Kramer: A billiard room.
Frank: No, not billiard. Not billiards. It was..come on, already. Come on..
Kramer: What?
Frank: We call it..the, uh..
Kramer: [recalls, snaps fingers] "The Place To Be!"
Frank: "The Place To Be!" Yes! It's the place to be.
The Friars Club [7.18]
The Wig Master [7.19]
Jerry: Excuse me. Excuse me. Are you asking him out?
Jessie: Yeah...I guess you could say that..
Jerry: Right in front of me! How do you know we're not together? Two guys sitting, laughing, drinking "Champagne Coolies".
Jerry: I'm telling you right now Elaine, this guy's gonna dangle that dress in front of you like a dirt farmer dangles a carrot in front of a mule.
The Calzone [7.20]
George: (talking about Steinbrenner) I'm like a drug dealer. I've got the guy hooked!
Steinbrenner: (after smelling the calzones) Constanza is in the building! And he's not in his office! Constanza! He's got the calzone! I've got you!!! (runs out of his office)
Jerry: Why can't you use your oven?
Kramer: I'm baking a pie!
Jerry: What kind of pie you making?
Kramer: Huckleberry.
The Bottle Deposit(1) [7.21]
Kramer: Newman, you magnificent bastard, you've done it!
George: Oh yeah. Well , big smoker. I [coughs] gave it up for a while but it was too tough. Y' know, I got no will power.
Susan: I don't like this one bit.
George: Well[coughs] I can't stop now [coughs] I'm addicted...
Susan: Well you are gonna have to quit.
[George runs to the bathroom]
George: Oh god!
George: Listen...there's something that's been on my mind and we haven't really talked about it. I-it's kind of important to me.
Susan: What is it?
George: Well I-I put a lot of thought into this and I think I would like you to sign a prenuptual agreement.
Susan: A pre-nup?
George: Yeah.
[Susan bursts out laughing]
George: What's so funny?
Susan: Hahahaha...You don't have any money. I make more money than you do. Haha. Yeah, give me the papers I'll sign 'em.
Season 8
The Foundation [8.1]
J. Peterman: No pears, no apples. Where's my pineapple?
Kramer: What's wrong?
Elaine: Oh, Peterman ran off to Burma and now he wants me to run the catalog.
Kramer: Where?
Jerry: Myanmar.
Kramer: What's that? The discount pharmacy?
Joey: Come on. Mom's down in the car.
Kramer: Okay, Joey.
Jerry: You guys both have class at the same time?
Kramer: No, we're in the same class.
Jerry: What do you mean you're in the same class?
Kramer: He almost beat me.
Jerry: Kramer, you're fighting children?!
Kramer: We're all at the same skill level, Jerry.
Jerry: He's nine years old! You don't need karate, you can just wring his neck!
The Soul Mate [8.2]
Newman:
Her bouquet cleaved his hardened shell,
And fondled his muscled heart.
He imbibed her glistening spell,
Just before the other shoe fell.
The Bizarro Jerry [8.3]
[Jerry, George, and Kramer meet their "doubles" for the first time]
Elaine: Jerry, George, Kramer. This is Kevin, Gene, and Feldman.
Jerry: This is really weird..
The Little Kicks [8.4]
George: Have you ever seen Elaine dance?
Jerry: Elaine danced?!
George: It's more like a full-body dry heave set to music.
Frank: My son George isn't smart enough to hatch a scheme like this!
Elaine: You got that right.
Frank: What the hell does that mean?
Elaine: It can mean whatever the hell you want it to mean.
Frank: You sayin' you want a piece of me?
Elaine: I'd drop you like a sack of dirt.
Frank: You want a piece of me?! YOU GOT IT!!!
The Package [8.5]
Kramer: Yes, yes. I am Dr. Van Nostrand from the clinic. I need Elaine Benes chart. She's a patient of mine and she's not going to make it. It's uh very bad very messy.
Attendant: I see and what clinic is that again?
Kramer: That's correct.
The Fatigues [8.6]
Eddie: Hey, I think I got something here for the Bengalese Galoshes.
Elaine: Oh.
Eddie: (reading) It's tough keeping your feet dry when you're kicking in a skull.
Elaine: You know, Eddie, that might be just a tad harsh for women's wear.
[Jerry is reviewing material with Bania.]
Bania: [reading] Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it round tine. That's gold, Jerry! Gold!
The Checks [8.7]
Jerry: [pointing toward the guy] See that salesman, twirling that umbrella.
Elaine: Uh huh.
Jerry: I invented that.
The Chicken Roaster [8.8]
Jerry: [talking to Newman regarding Kramer] The greasy doorknob, the constant licking of the fingers. He's hooked on this chicken, isn't he?
Jerry: Broccoli? Newman you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce!
Newman: [after spitting out a piece of broccoli] VILE WEED!
Jerry: Hello, is somebody there? Mr. Marbles?
Kramer: [shouting from his apartment window] Hey! Stay away from the chicken! Bad chicken! Mess you up!
Seth: That's not going to be good for business.
Jerry: That's not going to be good for anybody.
The Abstinence [8.9]
Mrs. Wilky: We feel that Mr. Kramer projects a rugged masculinity.
Jackie Chiles: Rugged? The manâs a goblin.
The Andrea Doria [8.10]
Waiter: An Alan Mercer called for you. He said he's sorry, but he won't be able to make it tonight. He's been stabbed.
Elaine: Stabbed?!
Waiter: More bread?
Elaine: I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. I mean, to be stab-worthy, you know? It's kind of a compliment.
Jerry: Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one.
The Little Jerry [8.11]
Jerry: Little Jerry's a lean mean peckin' machine!
George: Where's the tamale guy?
[the round begins]
Kramer: Little Jerry's going to get his clock cleaned. I gotta get him outta there.
[Kramer lunges for Little Jerry, everything happens in slow motion] Littttttttttttttle Jerrrrrrrrrrrrrry!
Jerry: Kraaaaaaaaaaaaamerrrrrrrrrrrr!
Elaine: Stopppppppppppp the fightttttttttttt!
George: Tamaleeeeeeeeeeee!
The Money [8.12]
George: What kind of money you think your parents have?
Jerry: Excuse me?
George: I bet they have more money then mine.
Jerry: Come on your parents have money.
George: Ya think?
Jerry: When do they ever spend money?
George: Never.
Jerry: What are their living expenses?
George: Nothing.
Jerry: Where do they ever go on vacation?
George: No where. How much money do you think they have?
Jerry: Few hundred grand.
George: Your saying I stand to inherit $300,000, is that what you're saying?
Jerry: Of course you may not see it for 20 years.
George: 20 years... that long?
Jerry: Does your father still eat bacon and eggs everyday?
George: Fortnately yes.
Jerry: Hows your family history?
George: I have an aunt that died at age 7.
Jerry: Really?
George: Aunt baby.
The Comeback [8.13]
George: Listen to the comeback: 'Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called. They're running outta you.'
[Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer stare blankly at him]
George: Wha...You gotta be kidding me?!
Elaine: How 'bout this one? How 'bout, 'Your cranium called. It's got some space to rent.'?
George: What does that mean?
Jerry: Hey, here you go: 'Hey, Reilly. The zoo called. You're due back by six.'
George: No. No, no, no. You're not helping me.
Kramer: Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That'll kill him.
Reilly: The ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.
George: Oh yeah, Reilly? Well, the jerk store called. They're running outta you!
Reilly: What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller!
George: ..Yeah? Well, I had sex with your wife.
[silence]
McAdam: His wife is in a coma..
The Van Buren Boys [8.14]
The Susie [8.15]
George: [on an answering machine, sung to the tune of Greatest American Hero]
Believe it or not,
George isn't at home.
Please leave a message at the beep.
I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone,
Where could I be?
Believe it or not, I'm not home.
The Pothole [8.16]
Newman (While driving his car that is dragging Elaine's sewing machine on the road over the two lane highway after Kramer accidentally spills flamable paint thinner): You're once, twice, three times the-(Truck goes on fire)AAAAAH!!!! Oh the humanity!
The English Patient [8.17]
Lisa: How could you not love that movie?
Elaine: How about, it sucked?
The Nap [8.18]
Hal: I threw my back out about 15 years ago. Ever since I have been very careful. I only buy furniture in the ergonomics store.
Elaine: Oh those places have the stupidest names. Like, uh, "Back In Business", or "Good Vertibrations".
Hal: Not this one. It's called the "Lumbar Yard".
Kramer: I got problems Jerry.
Jerry: What happened?
Kramer: Well I had been swimming for three hours and I was in a real groove so I decided to keep going. But at ten they start the aquasonics; thirty-five geriatrics throwing elbows! It was like I was swimming through a flabby armed spanking machine!
[kid is looking through telescope across East River into New York with his father beside him]
Father: Over there, that's Brooklyn . That's where Spike Lee lives.
Son: Hey, there's a man swimming in the water.
Father: Nah, that's probably just a dead body son. You see when the mob kills someone they throw the body in the river.
The Yada Yada [8.19]
Elaine: I've yada yada'd sex.
George: Really?
Elaine: Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.
Jerry: But you yada yada'd over the best part.
Elaine: No, I mentioned the bisque.
The Millenium [8.20]
Kramer: Newmanium!
Jerry: Good meeting?
George: There was no meeting. But it was quite a meeting. You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting. The only thing is, I have to get fired from the Yankees first.
Jerry: You can do that.
George: Of course. But I really wanna leave my mark this time, you know, uh. I wanna walk away from the Yankees with people saying 'Wow! Now that guy got canned!'
[reads the list of names on Valerie's speed-dial list and finds himself promoted to the '01' button]
Jerry: Oh my God! Number one! Seinfeld, you magnificent bastard!
The Muffin Tops [8.21]
George: When do you start to worry about ear hair?
Jerry: When you hear like a soft rustling.
Jerry: So you're pretending to be a tourist?
George: It's beautiful. She makes all the plans. I'm not from around here, so it's okay if I'm stupid. And she knows I'm only in town visiting, so there's no messy breakups.
The Summer of George [8.22]
George: I herby declare this summer the summer of George!
George: Severance package...The Yankees are giving me three months full pay for doing nothing.
Jerry: They did it for three years. What's another few months?
Season 9
The Butter Shave [9.1]
(Refering to Elaine and Puddy going to Europe for a month)Kramer: A month in Europe with Elaine, that guy's coming home in a body bag...
The Voice [9.2]
Dean Jones: I've been reviewing Darren's internship journal. Doing laundry, mending chicken wire, high tea with a Mr. Newman?
Kramer: Well, it all sounds pretty glamourous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica.
Dean Jones: Far as I can tell, your entire enterprise is little more than a solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken.
Kramer: And with Darren's help, we'll get that chicken!
Jerry/George/Kramer/Elaine at different times in the show: HELLOOOOO!
Jerry: So, whatâs going on?
George: Siege mentality, Jerry. They really want me out of here. Theyâve downgraded me to some sort of a bunker. Iâm like Hitlerâs last days here.
Jerry: So, are you going to leave?
George: Oh no! Iâm vigilant. Theyâll never get me out. Iâm like a weed, Jerry.
Jerry: I thought youâre like Hitler in the bunker?
George: Iâm a weed in Hitlerâs bunker.
Jerry: Iâm getting a little uncomfortable with the Hitler stuff.
Jerry: So I have to choose between seeing you and doing the voice?
Claire: Thatâs right.
Jerry: I can do that.
Claire: So whatâs your decision?
Jerry: I don't know.
[goes to the beach and thinks about it for a while, comes back to Claire's apartment]
Claire: Jerry, hi.
Jerry: HELLOOOOO!
[slams the door on him]
The Serenity Now [9.3]
[The Costanzas are driving in the car]
George: All right, Dad, we're five blocks from the house. Sit sideways.
Frank: Like an animal. Because of her, I have to sit here like an animal! Serenity now! Serenity now!
George: What is that?
Frank: Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say, 'Serenity now!'
George: Are you supposed to yell it?
Frank: The man on the tape wasn't specific.
Jerry: Kramer, I am so sick of you comin' in here and eatin' all my food. Now shut that door and get the hell out of here!
Kramer: (Laughing) What is that, a new bit?
Jerry: Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. No, no, no, I do not want to stop over in Cincinnati. Well, then you upgrade me. That's right, you should thank me. Goodbye. [Hangs up] Hey, I'm flyin' first class.
Elaine: Where did that come from?
Jerry: Patty showed me how to get mad. You gotta problem with that?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: Good.
Frank: You're late again, Costanza, so listen up. Starting tonight, we're having a little sales contest. The loser gets fired, the winner gets a Waterpik.
Estelle: [From another room] You're not giving away our Waterpik!
Frank: Serenity now!
Elaine: Whoa. What is the matter?
Jerry: It's Patty.
Elaine: Jerry, you break up with a girl every week.
Jerry: (Crying) What--what is this salty discharge?
Elaine: Oh my God. You're crying.
Jerry: This is horrible! I care!
Kramer: Simple. You let out one emotion, all the rest will come with it. It's like Endora's box.
Jerry: That was the mother on Bewitched. You mean Pandora.
Kramer: Yeah, well, she... had one, too.
George:: You've got 'shiksappeal'. Jewish men love the idea of meeting a woman that's not like their mother.
Frank:: Hey, Braun, Costanza's kicking your butt!
George:: (using the phone) Watch how it's done. Oh, hello, Mr. Vandelay? Would you like to buy a computer? Oh, really? Two dozen?
George:: Why couldn't you squeeze one of those stupid rubber balls to get your stress out? Why did you have to destroy *twenty-five* computers?
Kramer:: George, you listen to me. I owe ya one.
Lloyd:: Serenity Now ... Insanity Later
The Blood [9.4]
The Junk Mail [9.5]
The Merv Griffin Show [9.6]
Kramer: Hey, Jerry! Come in here a sec! Hey!
Jerry: Oh my God!
Kramer: It's the Merv Griffin set!
Jerry: How did you get this in here?
Kramer: Oh, you just bring it in sideways and hook it.
Jerry: So where are you gonna sleep?
Kramer: Yeah..backstage.
Kramer: Okay. A little later, we're gonna be talking with animal expert Jim Fowler.
Fowler: Where are the cameras?
George: (while watching his home movies) Oh! Don't look this is where they change me.
Jerry: Weren't you like 8 years old?
George: I was seven and a half!
The Slicer [9.7]
The Betrayal [9.8]
The Apology [9.9]
The Strike [9.10]
Frank Costanza: "It's a festivus for the rest of us!"
Kramer: "Yamahama, it's fright night."
Kramer: Frank, this new holiday of yours is scratching me right where I itch.
Kramer: It's a Festivus miracle!
Frank Costanza: I find tinsel distracting.
Elaine: Oh, I can't believe it! I've lost my "Atomic Sub" card!.. Oh no! I bet I wrote that fake number on the back of it when I gave it to denim vest!
Jerry: So?
Elaine: I've eaten 23 bad subs, I just need 1 more! It's like a long, bad movie, but you want to see the end of it!
Jerry: No, you walk out.
Elaine: Alright, then, it's like a boring book, but you gotta finish it.
Jerry: No, you wait for the movie!
Elaine: I want that free sub!
Jerry: You don't need the card. High-end hoagie outfit like that, it's all computerized! They're cloning sheep now.
Kramer: No, they're not cloning sheep. It's the same sheep! I saw Harry Blackstone do that trick with two goats and a handkerchief on the old Dean Martin show!
The Dealership [9.11]
Jerry: Hey George, I'm buyin' this car!
George: Ssssh. What is wrong with you! You never tell them you like the car! You're not sure what you want, you don't even know why you're here!
Jerry: "So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more "grease monkey"."
David Puddy: "I don't much care for that term."
Jerry: "Oh. Sorry, I didn't know..."
David Puddy: "No, I don't know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector."
Jerry: "I saw one once that could do sign language."
David Puddy: "Yeah, I saw that one. Uh... Koko."
Jerry: "Yeah, Koko."
David Puddy: "Right, Koko. That chimp's alright. High-five."
The Reverse Peephole [9.12]
The Cartoon [9.13]
The Strongbox [9.14]
Maura: "Ew, Mr. Apple, you have a brown spot!"
The Wizard [9.15]
George Costanza: What's that?
Jerry Seinfeld: It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm going to Florida for his birthday.
George Costanza: How much was it?
Jerry Seinfeld: Two hundred, but I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't care about the gift; he gets excited about the deal.
George Costanza: Where are you gettin' a Wizard for fifty dollars?
Jerry Seinfeld: Eh, I'll tell him I got it on the street; maybe it's hot - that's his favorite.
Jerry Seinfeld: House in the Hamptons?
George Costanza: Well, you know, I've been lying about my income for a few years; I figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.
Jerry Seinfeld: So, did you figure out Darryl's... you know?
Elaine Benes: Nah, I've given up, so now we're going to a bunch of Spanish restaurants.... Figure that'll cover us either way.
Jerry Seinfeld: You're a master of race relations.
George Costanza: So, ran into the Rosses again.
Elaine Benes: Oh, right, at the coffee shop. Where did they get the idea that you have a place in the Hamptons?
George Costanza: From me.
Elaine Benes: What did you say?
George Costanza: I told them I have a place in the Hamptons. What did *you* say?
Elaine Benes: I told them you didn't. And I laughed and I laughed.
George Costanza: So they knew? Those liars!
Elaine Benes: But, you lied first!
George Costanza: [Angrily] Yeah, but they let me go on and on all about the Hamptons; they never said a thing! You don't let somebody lie when you know they're lying - you *call* them a liar!
Elaine Benes: Like, "You're a liar."
George Costanza: Yes! Thank you! Was that so hard?
Elaine Benes: So is this over? Not over?... I'm bettin' "not over."
George Costanza: Not by a long shot. I'm calling up the Rosses and inviting them out to my nonexistent place in the Hamptons. Then, we'll see who blinks first.
Elaine Benes: Haven't you done enough to these people?
George Costanza: This is not about them. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to exercise Jerry's gaskets.
The Burning [9.16]
Jerry: So Sophie gave me the "It's me" on the phone today.
Elaine: It's me? Isn't that a little premature?
Jerry: I thought so.
Elaine: She's not a me. I'M a me.
George: I'm against all "It's me's." So self-absorbed and egotistical. It's like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes!"
The Bookstore [9.17]
Jerry: Swarm, swarm!
The Frogger [9.18]
Jerry: Hey, look at the high score. "G.L.C.", George Louis Costanza. That's not you, is it?
George: Yes! 860,000. I can't believe it's still standing. No one has beaten me in like 10 years.
Jerry: I remember that night.
George: The perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella...just the right amount of grease on the joy stick...
Mario: Here's your pizza, pea brains.
Jerry: I think I remember why we stopped coming here.
George: Kramer, listen to me. I'm never gonna have a child. If I lose this "Frogger" high score, that's it for me.
George: Hey, Jerry, remember Frogger? I used to be so into this game. Getting that frog across the street was my entire life.
Jerry: Hey George, how are you going to keep the machine plugged in?
George: What?
Jerry: Well, when you unplug the machine, all the scores will be erased.
George: You're right. Why must there always be a problem. You'd think just once I'd catch a break. God knows I earned it with that score.
The Maid [9.19]
[George holds a baseball jersey up to Jerry]
Jerry: What's that? Double zero?
George: No, its oo, as in oo-oo-ah-ah
Elaine: I don't have a fax machine.
Kramer: You might. There's tons of stuff in my apartment I don't even know about.
Elaine: Then maybe you have a fax machine.
Kramer: (snaps) You just blew my mind.
Jerry's Girlfriend/Maid: There's a girl down at the agency her name is Coco. That girl's alright.
George: Another Coco, there can't be another Coco, Krueger would never allow it.
Jerry: Sounds like Krueger runs a pretty tight ship.
Kramer: [on the phone] Hey, I'm on First and...First. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe.
The Puerto Rican Day [9.20]
Man: Hey! There's a guy burning the Puerto Rican flag!
Bob: Who! Who is burning the flag?!
Kramer: Oh, no.
Bob: Him?!
Cedric: That's not very nice.
Jerry: Maroon Gulf!
The Clip Show(1) [9.21]
Jerry: [to audience] Oh, hello. Nine years, seems like a long time doesn't it? It is, and we've packed a lot in the four of us. It seems like every week a whole new set of problems would just crop up outta nowhere...except for summer where nothing seemed to happen for months at a time. Anyway, the point is over the last nine years-
George: [from the hallway off camera] Jerry, we're gonna miss the movie.
Jerry: I'm coming!
Kramer: [from the hallway off camera] Previews, Jerry!
Jerry: Just go already! Over the last nine years we've had a lot experiences. And I'll tell ya, when you stop and add 'em all up, that's what you realize. Watch this.
Elaine: [from the hallway off camera] Jerry?!
Jerry: SHUT UP!!
The The Clip Show(2) [9.22]
The Finale(1) [9.23]
The Finale(2) [9.24]
[after the jury reaches a verdict, making there way back to their seats]
Kramer: I think everything's gonna be okay. That woman just smiled at me.
Jerry: Maybe 'cuz she knows your going to jail.
Jerry: So what is the deal with the yard? I mean when I was a kid my mother wanted me to play in the yard. But of course she didn't have to worry about my next door neighbor Tommy sticking a shiv in my thigh. And what's with the lockdown? Why do we have to be locked in our cells? Are we that bad that we have to be sent to prison, in prison? You would think the weightlifting and the sodomy is enough. So, anyone from Cellblock D?
Prisoner 1: I am.
Jerry: I'll talk slower. I'm kidding - I love Cellblock D. My friend George is in Cellblock D. What are you in for,sir?
Prisoner 2: Murder one.
Jerry: Murder one? Oooooo, watch out everybody. Better be nice to you. I'm only kidding sir. Lighten up. How about you, what are you in for?
Prisoner 3: Grand theft auto.
Jerry: Grand theft auto? Don't steal any of my jokes.
Prisoner 3: You suck. I'm gonna cut you.
Jerry: Hey, I don't come down to where you work and knock the license plate out of your hand.
Guard: Alright, Seinfeld, that's it. Let's go. Come on.
Jerry: Alright. Hey, you've been great! See you in the cafeteria!
Elaine: [to Puddy, after her, Jerry, George, and Kramer are announced guilty] Don't wait for me.
Puddy: OK.
Jerry: See, now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.
George: Really?
Jerry: Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it, it's too high, it's in no-man's land.
George: Haven't we had this conversation before?
Jerry: You think?
George: I think we have.
Jerry: Yeah, maybe we have.
Unsorted quotes
Jerry Seinfeld
(Talking to Elaine) She had man hands. It was like a creature from Greek mythology.
Simply, "Hello... Newman..."
I don't want to live like this! ["after Kramer walks in on Jerry showering"]
But I don't trust this guy, I think he regifted and then he degifted and now he's using an upstairs invite as a springboard to a Super Bowl sex romp!
[Newman: Hello Jerry...] Hello, Newman was it good for you?
See you in the cafeteria! [Final line in the series finale.]
And you want to be my latex salesman! (George Costanza is trying to get unemployment assistance by pretending to be a latex saleman who works for Jerry)
All that's between us and him is a thin layer of gabardine.
Seinfeld you magnificent bastard! [After seeing he's been moved to number 1 on his girlfriend's speed dial setting.]
But I want to fancy your boy!
[popping his collar while speaking in deep Italian accent and strutting] Tony, hey Tony.
(To Kramer, who is having trouble with constipation) "Well, my friend, it might be time to consider the dreaded...apparatus."
(Jerry) You don't even know what a write-off is. (Cosmo)"Do you?" (Jerry)"No I don't" (Cosmo) "Well they do...and they're the ones writing it off".
Broccoli, Newman? You wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce.
I'm not bragging. I happen to have a keen lesbian eye.
It's NOT a surprise party! [After the doorbell rings during the intervention and Elaine tells everyone to hide.]
Oh, I know the chunky who left these chunkies... NEWMAN!
Where do you think this relationship is? If you are thinking of instituting an open-door urination policy, let me disabuse you of that notion right now, my friend!
But I don't want to be a pirate!
To the Idiotmobile!
George Costanza
(Introducing himself to a woman) Hi, I'm George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
KAAAAAAAAAAAAHNNNNNNNNNNNN!
I always get the feeling that when lesbians look at me, they're thinking, 'That's why I'm not a heterosexual.'
Please, a little respect, for I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots
There is Relationship George, and there is Independent George...you are killing Independent George! A George divided against itself... cannot stand!
I've Driven Women to Lesbianism before, but never to a mental institution.
TWIIIIIIIIIX! [Upon losing many Twix candy bars that he had set up for over an hour in a candy lineup]
NO, no, It's about NOTHING
Peter Jennings had a nose job.
My name is Art Vandelay. I'm an architect.
What, you're using my 'baby' now?
You ever eat an Ostrich burger?. . . [much later in a separate conversation]'Cause ya' know, they say there's less fat, but ya' eat more of it.
Instead of an apology, he was beboppin' and scattin' all over the place.
Maybe she has toe thumbs . . . Is her handshake a little firm? Perhaps too firm?
Yeah! like the big toe is like the captain of the toes, but sometimes the toe next to the big toe gets so big that there's like a power struggle and the second toe assumes control of the foot.
I was in the pool! I was in the pool!(relating to his shrinkage incident after getting out of the pool and a woman saw him in his room without his towel on)
It's all pipes! (After being accused of urinating in a shower)
Serenity now!
Hey! Is anyone talking to you pinhead?
Bob Cob?
Well the jerk store called, they're running out of you!
Oh yeah? Well I had sex with your wife!
Amazing. I drive 'em to lesbianism, he brings 'em back. [Referring to Kramer after he sleeps with a lesbian.]
Care to make it interesting?
I am aware!
You know we're living in a society!
They gave me the Penske File.
Ta-ta, Tut-tle.
You should've seen the look on her face. It was the same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.
You scared her off. We may never see Mom again!
Gammy's gettin' upset!
Holes! I need holes!
These really do pinch the nose.
BOWLING!
I made such delicious sandwiches.
(after being told he was getting fired for having sex with the cleaning lady at Pendant Publishing) ...was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I gotta tell ya, I have to plead ignorance on this one, cause if someone told me that that sort of behaviour was FROWNED upon...
What are you, crazy?! This is like discovering Plutonium by accident!
Please. I work for Krueger Industrial Smoothing; "We don't care, and it shows."
You invite me over here for lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then you tell me you're not in the mood for details? Now you listen to me; I want details, and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I've got no place to go, you're not in the mood? Well you GET in the mood!
(walks in) ...you can't handle the truth! (salutes)
[while having sex with his secretary] I'm giving you a raise!
You had to hop...you had to HOP ON THE PLANE!
...Jerry...I've gotta tell you something. This has to be the dullest moment in my life.
You're right. Why must there always be a problem?! You'd think that just once I'd get a break. God knows I earned it with that score!
I do for all the bad things. [In response to his psychiatrist asking, "I thought you don't believe in God?"]
Kramer goes to a fantasy camp. His whole life is a fantasy camp. People should throw down two thousand bucks to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass-backwards in the money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating, THAT'S a fantasy camp.
Good for the tuna.
Love that t-bone!
George likes spicy chicken.
Snoopy and Prickly Pete. [regarding his two horses at The Hamptons]
(After getting dumped by a woman) "You're giving me the 'It's not you, It's me' routine? I invented 'It's not you, it's me'. Nobody tells me it's them not me, If it's anybody, It's me!"
Oh, it's got cachet. It's got cachet up the ying yang.
Pulp can move, baby!
George is getting upset!
Khaaaaaaaaaaaan!
Moops!
She's BALD!
He's be-bopin' and scattin' and i'm losin' it!
(Cheesy music in the background, which is actually the theme song from "The Greatest American Hero") Believe it or not, George isn't at home. Please leave a message at the beep. I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone. Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home. [George's Answering Machine]
I did it! I finally did it! Yes! My boys can swim! [after finding out that he might have gotten a woman pregnant]
A preemptive breakup. This is an incredible idea. I got nothing to lose. We either break up which she would do anyway but at least I go out with some Dignity. Completely turn the tables. It's absolutely brilliant.
And you! How many Twix does that make you for today? Like eight twix?!
Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank god that you know me and have access to my dementia?
Yeah that's dynamite.
(George is teaching Derek Jeter and Bernie Willams how to hit home runs)
Bernie Williams: We won the World Series!
George:Yeah. In 6 games!
The sea was angry that day my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli.
I feel like an out of work porn star. (About having a mustache)
Elaine Benes
David, I'm going to hell! The worst place in the world! With devils and those caves and the ragged clothing! And the heat! My god, the heat! I mean, what do you think about all that?
GET OUT! [usually followed by some sort of pushing or another form of physical contact]
[On faking orgasms]....that's because I'm GOOD!!!
I just love meeting new people. You know that's how you really do learn about life.
For I have seen the nipple on your soul!
IT'S BROWN!
Let's just replace 'hail of shrapnel' and 'scar tissue' with 'string of pearls' and 'raspberry scones'.
He's a bad breaker-upper.
He's a bit of a close talker...
Maybe the dingo ate your baby. [reference to A Cry in the Dark]
(About George's wig) I don't like this thing, and here's what I'm doing with it!
(after being drugged up on pain meds referring to Jerry's aunty) "STELLA!!!!!!!!!" (a reference to A Streetcar Named Desire)
He's a real sidle-er!
It's Epstein-Barr syndrome with a twist of Lyme disease
He took IT,, out!
I've yada-yada'd sex
Shrinkage? Like in Laundry?
(Describing Jerry) Well, his life revolves around Superman and cereal.
I don't know how you walk around with those things
(to George) You want a Christmas card!? Here's your Christmas card! (grabbing George's head and shoving it in her chest)
(Toasting) Here's to those who wish us well, and those who don't can go to Hell.
Cosmo Kramer
No, look away, I'm hideous!
I just saw a pigman . . . a pigman!
A bra is for ladies, meet THE BRO.
It'll be a funky adventure.
I'M OUT THERE JERRY, AND I'M LOVIN' EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!!
I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!
They're (a hospital) making an army of pig warriors!
Mmm.... Machu Picchu
You have any of those...Mini Ritz's?
Well, this will really free up my time so I can focus on more important things, like my bladder system.
Have you been wearing a fake beard?
Giddyup!
These pretzels are making me thirsty.
Dr. Cosmo Kramer, Proctologist.
What's that red dot on your sweater?
Cable boy... What have you done to my little cable boy?
Yo-yo ma! (After getting kicked in the head by Crazy Joe Davola.)
Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint; it's delicious!
Hennigans, the no smell, no tell, Scotch!
Up here, I'm already gone!
Here's to feeling good all the time. (before simultaneously smoking and drinking beer.)
(after being called insane by Jerry) Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
When seeing a Dog's grave with an inscription reading 'Man's Best Friend' on itKramer (To Jerry): " I want something like that. "
Hello, and welcome to movie phone.
Why Don't you just tell me the name of the movie you'd like to see?
Oh yeah, Sothebys. yeah, they make good cake.
[reciting movie tagline] "Deathblow: when someone kills you, not because of who you are but for different reasons entirely"
A month alone with Elaine in Europe. That guy's coming back in a body bag.
Jackie Chiles: You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn't tell you to put the balm on. Why'd you put the balm on? You haven't even been to see the doctor. If you're gonna put a balm on, let a doctor put a balm on.
Jackie Chiles: Jackie's cashin' in on your wretched disfigurement.
Jackie Chiles: Your face is my case.
Frank Costanza: Morty...this is Frank Costanza. You think you can keep us out of Florida?! We're moving in lock, stock and barrel! We're gonna be at the Clubhouse, we're gonna be in the pool, we'll be all over that shuffle board court! And I dare you to keep me out!
Frank Costanza: It's a Festivus for the rest of us!
Frank Costanza: Serenity now!
Frank Costanza: Stop crying and fight your father!
Frank Costanza: Hoochie Mama!!
Frank Costanza: The Man-zier! A brazier...for a man!
Frank Costanza: [To Elaine] You want a piece of me?? YOU GOT IT!!!
Frank Costanza: You had me sleeping on a pee stained couch?
Frank Costanza: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son...
Old Man: [staring at a portrait of Kramer] He is a loathsome offensive brute, yet I can't look away.
Newman: When you control the mail, you control information.
Newman: Let me let you in on a secret. Zipcodes, they're meaningless.
Newman: I'm sorry, your invitation must have gotten ... lost in the mail!
David Puddy: Yeah that's right!
David Puddy: High five... On the flip side!
David Puddy: Check it out...eight Ball [showing off his new jacket to Elaine]
David Puddy: Feels like an Arby's night.
David Puddy: Talk to me babe.
David Puddy: It's my new winter coat.
David Puddy: Gotta support the team [explaining why he paints his face for Devils games]
Morty Seinfeld: Look, I got a few good years left. If I want a Chips Ahoy, I'm having it.
Morty Seinfeld: Tell him to eat a plum!
Soup Nazi: NO SOUP FOR YOU!
Soup Nazi: [After George's compliment] You're pushing your luck little man.
Mr. Heyman (George's old gym coach): Cant-stand-ya!
Babu: You're a very bad man, Jerry Seinfeld! Very, very bad!
Susan: You're a stupid stupid man George! A very stupid little man!
Estelle Costanza: George likes the bananas!
Estelle Costanza: " Georgie, don't eat with your hands! "
Kramer: At Brandt-Lealand, I'm gettin' things done.
Jerry: How much are they paying you?
Kramer: Oh no no no, I don't want any money, I'm doin' this just for me.
Jerry: Clearly... so, uh, what do you do down there all day?
Kramer: T.C.B. You know, takin' care of business. Well, I gotta go... ah, can't forget my briefcase.
Jerry: What have you got in there?
Kramer: Crackers.
Jerry: Oh you're crazy.
Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry: It's impossible.
Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry: It can't be.
Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?
Jerry: Alright, that's enough.
Kramer: It's a writeoff for them.
Jerry: How is it a writeoff?
Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: Write it off what?
Kramer: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.
Jerry: You don't even know what a writeoff is.
Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No. I Don't.
Kramer: But they do. And they're the ones writing it off.
Jerry: ...I wish I could have the last 20 seconds of my life back.
Elaine: You're black. You said we were an interracial couple.
Darryl: We are. Because you're Hispanic.
Elaine: I am?
Darryl: Aren't you?
Elaine: No. Why would you think that?
Darryl: Your name's Benes, your hair, and you kept taking me to those Spanish restaurants.
Elaine: That's because I thought you were black.
Darryl: Why would you take me to a Spanish restaurant because I'm black?
Elaine: I don't think we should be talking about this.
Darryl: So, what are you?
Elaine: I'm white.
Darryl: So, we're just a couple of white people?
Elaine: I guess.
Darryl: Oh.
Elaine: Yeah. So do you want to go to the Gap?
Darryl: Sure.
Jerry: You know, Schumann went mad from that.
George: Artie Schumann, from Camp Hatchapee?
Jerry: No, you idiot.
George: What are you, Bud Abbott? What are you calling me an idiot for?
Jerry: You don't know Robert Schumann, the composer?
George: Oh Schu-mann(pronouncing it 'shoo-mahn'). Of course.
George: I'm Costanza, Lord of the Idiots.
Party Host: [To marathon runners] You're all winners!
George: But suddenly, a new contender emerges.
Newman: And then something happened that changed us in a very deep and profound way from that day forward.
Elaine: What? What happened?
Kramer: [Keith Hernandez] spit on us.
Puddy: Paper jam.. Got it! (Holds his hand up) High-five. (Elaine reluctantly slaps it. He turns around, and puts his hand out behind his back) On the flip side.
Elaine: David, um, I..
Puddy: (Still holding out his hand) Donât leave me hanginâ
Elaine: Mr. Peterman, you speak Burmese?
J. Peterman: No Elaine, that was gibberish.
Jerry: Elaine, do women know about shrinkage?
Elaine: You mean like laundry?
Jerry: No, like when a man goes swimming...afterwards...
Elaine: Oh! It shrinks?
Jerry: Like a frightened turtle!
Elaine: Why does it shrink?
George: It just does!
Elaine: I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.
[Kramer has just returned from baseball fantasy camp]
Jerry: I thought you weren't coming back till Monday.
Kramer: Well, the camp ended a few days early.
Jerry: Why?
Kramer: Well, there was an incident.
Jerry: What happened?
Kramer: I punched Mickey Mantle in the mouth.
Jerry: What happened?
Kramer: Well, you know, we were playing a game and I was pitching, and I was really, you know, throwing some smoke! And Joe Pepitone, he was up, and man, that guy, you know, he was crowding the plate.
Jerry: Wow, Joe Pepitone.
Kramer: Well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate! So I throw him one inside, you know, a little chin music right on his pants, cause I gotta intimidate, you know, when I'm on the mound. Well, the next pitch, he's right back on the same place, so... I had to plunk him.
Jerry: You plunked him?
Kramer: Oh yeah! Well, he throws down his bat, he comes racing up to the mound. Next thing, both benches are cleared, you know. A brouhaha breaks out between the guys in the camp and the old Yankee players. And as I'm trying to get Moose Skowron off of one of my teammates, somebody pulls me from behind, you know, and I turned around and I popped him! I looked down, and -- whoa man -- it's Mickey. I punched his lights out.
Gina: What type of man are you?
Jerry: I'm a man that respects a good coma.
Jerry: I don't know what the coma etiquette was.
Kramer: There is no coma etiquette! See thats the beauty of the coma man, it doesn't matter what you do around him.
Jerry: So you're saying his girl, his car, his clothes; it's all up for grabs? You can just loot the coma victim?
Kramer: I give him 24 hours to get out of it. They can't get out of it by 24 hours, its a land rush!
George: I think I understand this. Jay Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you Kramer are real.
Kramer: Talk to me.
George: But your life is Peterman's. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not *really* happen to the *real* Peterman which is you.
Kramer: Understand?
Jerry: Yeah. $37.50 for a Three Musketeers.
George: I was free and clear. I was living the dream. I was stripped to the waist eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery.
Jerry: Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise.
George: I am not giving you my code.
Kramer: I'll bet I can guess it.
George: Yeah, right.
Kramer: Ah, all right, yeah... Let's see... Well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you. You're a word man. Let's go deeper... What kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations.
George: uh...
Kramer: But what tempts you? You're a portly fellow. A bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no... Yours is a sweet tooth.
George: I got to go.
Kramer: Oh, you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master... The cocoa bean! And only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you. If you could, you'd guzzle it by the gallon... Ovaltine!? Hershey's!? Nestle's Quick!?"
George: Shut up!
Elaine: I've "yada yadaed" sex.
Jerry: You?
Elaine: I met a lawyer once; he took me out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque. We went back to his apartment and "yada yada" I never heard from him again.
Jerry: But you "yada yadaed" over the best part!
Elaine: No I mentioned the bisque...
Sue Ellen: Hello Elaine, here to catch a glimpse of high society?
Elaine: No, I'm actually here to bid.
Jerry: I'm here to catch a glimpse... of high society.
