"Martha Stewart stuffed and roasted canaries and found they could no longer sing." —Jay Leno on Blood
"Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution." —Jay Leno on Computer Science
"Vice President Dick Cheney is currently out in South Dakota on a three-day hunting trip. What better place for a man who has had four heart attacks than to be carrying a big gun and a backpack through the snow looking for red meat." —Jay Leno on Disease
"a Christmas tree .. the perfect gift for a guy... the plant is already dead ." —Jay Leno on Humor
"There is a penalty for trying to knock down a cockpit door, but it's the people who try to go from coach to 1st class they really beat up." —Jay Leno on Money
Wikiquote Article on Jay Leno
Jay Leno (born April 28, 1950), comedian, host of The Tonight Show
How many watched the President's speech last night? [half-hearted audience applause]
How many watched American Idol? [thundering applause]
Okay, there you go! You get the government you deserve.
A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. [â¦] At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time.
And some sad news⦠the first lesbian couple to legally get married in the state of Massachusetts has split up. They cited irreconcilable similarities.
Afterwards, President Bush said, "Maliki is the right man for the job." Just to remind you, Bush also said FEMA'sMichael Brown was the right man for the job, Donald Rumsfeld was the right man for the job, Tom DeLay was the right man for the job⦠which would be okay if Bush was the right man for the job.
On the 30 November2006 "breakfast summit" with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki
Women will soon be able to make their own sperm using their own bone marrow. Is that unbelievable? How unfair is that for us guys, huh? I mean, all these years, we've been in charge of manufacturing and distribution, you know what I'm saying? We provide free delivery and installationâ¦
Well, there's nothing funnier to me than the French. The French Resistance is probably the biggest mythical joke that ever existed. There were four guys in the French Resistance. They couldn't hand over the Jewish people fast enough. Oh, please, don't tell me about the French. The French have all sorts of secret deals with Saddam and everybody else for two cents a liter. It's an easy target.
French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly.
The Tonight Show, November 26, 2004
"This is now the twelfth day of rioting in France. They have been rioting for almost two weeks. And France has still not surrendered. That's like a record.
The Tonight Show, November 7, 2005, as reported on miquelon.org
Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup. ... They won after Franceâs best player got ejected for head butting. Thatâs the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years
The Tonight Show, July 11th, 2006
Unsourced
A 102-year-old tree fell over in front of the White House. They said this happening involved three factors: its age, a strong wind, and Patrick Kennedy's car.
The Tonight Show, unidentified segment, unidentified 2006 episode
He's described as the architect of the war on Iraq. And he should be very proud, because he's built something that's going to last for years and years.
On Donald Rumsfeld
The Tonight Show, unidentified segment, unidentified 2006 episode
With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?
The Republicans are calling [this] a Wizard of Oz ticket... Cheney needs a heart, Bush needs a brain.
On the Republican presidential candidate and his new running mate
The Tonight Show, unidentified segment, unidentified date
