Famous Quotes by Henny Youngman
- "I have all the money I'll ever need - if I die by 4 today." —Henny Youngman on Cliches
- "Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop. -Henny Youngman." —Henny Youngman on Communication
- "If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late." —Henny Youngman on Miscellaneous
- "If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow, sleep late." —Henny Youngman on Psychological Subjects
Wikiquote Article on Henny Youngman
Henry "Henny" Youngman (16 March 1906 â" 24 February 1998) was a comedian and violinist famous for "one-liners", short simple jokes usually delivered rapid-fire.
Unsourced
The wife and marriage
- Take my wifeâ"please!
- My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts eating.
- My wife wanted her face lifted. They couldn't do that. But for $80, they lowered her body.
- My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours, and that was only for the estimate.
- My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.
- Now she's on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight. But she can climb a tree!
- I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
- All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
Spite, venom, and gleeful denunciations
- If there's never been a suicide in your family, why don't you break the monotony?
- If there's ever a price on your head, take it.
- I looked high and low for you. I didn't look low enough.
- What got you out of the woodwork?
- You're the kind of person I would like to have over when I have the measles.
- Some people bring happiness wherever they go. You bring happiness whenever you go.
- Look, I'm not going to engage in a battle of wits with you. I never attack anyone who is unarmed.
- I'd like to introduce you to some friends of mine. I want to break off with them.
- I like youâ"I have no tasteâ"but I like you.
- The more I think of you the less I think of you.
- I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today.
- When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- You have a ready wit. Let me know when it's ready.
- To Dean Martinâ"Dean, if you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
Love
- You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
Miscellaneous
- I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave upâ"they have no holidays.
- The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- He hit me among my face.
Religion
- A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!
- I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.
- A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
- Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
External links
Wikipedia has an article about:
Henny Youngman
