For Whom the Bell Tolls Chapter 26
Robert Jordan reads the letters of the dead man, one from the man's sister with a list of boys from his town that had been killed; Robert Jordan thinks it is too many for a small town. There is another from the man's fiancé, hysterical for his safety. He is incredibly conflicted inside.
"It is right, he told himself, not reassuringly, but proudly. I believe in the people and their right to govern themselves as they wish. But you mustn't believe in killing, he told himself. You must do it as a necessity but you must not believe in it. If you believe in it the whole thing is wrong." Chapter 26, pg. 304
He tries to rationalize but ends up interrogating himself, wondering how many of those he killed were real fascists. He tells himself he has no business being in his position if he is not right in the head. He tells himself that he has a right to not keep count, then berates himself that he has no right to close his eyes. He asks himself if it is right for him to love Maria. He knows he is lucky to love, even if he dies tomorrow, then tells himself not to talk about dying. He wonders how it is at Sordo's, and knows he got him into a mess by asking him for horses. He wishes they were in the type of war where if they were surrounded, they could surrender, but he knows that Sordo will be killed. He sees planes.