Sex Education

DEAR SUSAN: I am asking for your Sexual Bill of Rights. When I was a virgin (in high school in the '70s), there was no need to rid myself of my virginity. But the pressure I felt in our sex education classes to do so was too strong, and now I have regrets about my actions and decisions. I wish your Bill had been part of my sex education. — Elena G., Long Island, N.Y.

DEAR ELENA: Regrets are life lessons, warmed over for your life today. They are the unspoken shoulda-coulda-wouldas that can come in the small morning hours and refuse to leave. After you've discovered the right path, the one you should have taken, they prod you into punishing yourself still further. The old devil regret can sit on your shoulders and hold you back because it wants more than a pound of flesh. Regrets feed on your sighs, and they can, if allowed free rein, taint your self-image to the point where you turn inward to your weaknesses. They are residual, relics of past mistakes, and they must be carefully controlled. They have the potential to be powerful enemies if we give them access to our positive feelings of ourselves. Yes, by all means confront your past missteps, but the next step is to push them out of your life. Forever. Left untended, they can fester into a sad and purposeless existence, and that's not for you. Face the old mistakes, admit them and cherish the lessons they offer, all the while gently pushing yourself forward.

AFTERCARE. All this talk about undependence can inspire the question: What then? You're in a love partnership that feels wonderful, free to be you and at the same time love the partner who, like you, is a nurturing balance. But then one day, you realize you don't feel comfortable on line at the movies, looking for a seat for one. You've gotten so used to being half an entity, having an arm to hold, a face to look into, that it's more than a little challenge to step out on your own. You've got to come face to face with this small knot in your gut at the thought of standing alone in the midst of the happy chatter of couples around you. What's going on with this undependence you supposedly worked so hard to build into your personhood?

That's the question that means it's time to exercise your singleness. Now, while you're feeling a tad insecure on your own, is the ideal moment to give your undependence a workout. You need to remind yourself that you have what it takes to go it alone … for a day, an hour, a weekend. Taking yourself to a movie alone will feel strange at first, as if half of you is missing. And that's exactly why you need to pump a little iron: to remind yourself that you are strong by yourself. Couplehood can become addictive, which makes the Exercises in Singleness imperative. Do your best to schedule at least one solitary (just you!) foray at regular intervals. Being comfortably alone with yourself is an important skill. Another one that's just as important is the ability to bend and compromise. You want to maintain flexibility and be able to meet life (and your partner) midway to find what's best for both of you. There is a tendency in single life to want what you want and hold onto it no matter what. Be aware of that pitfall, and work on being flexible in mind and body. (Comments invited.)

DEAR SUSAN: A recent letter from a (male) reader writing about emasculation ends with the sentence "with one in six men older than 35 now vasectomized" as proof of men's changing status.

The context of his letter aside, I'm quite surprised you didn't challenge the statement about vasectomies. Instead, you said his research/observations were valid. Surely you know that vasectomies don't alter virility, and that the choice to have one is the act of a responsible partner and father. By doing his part in preventing unintended pregnancy, he is taking care of his wife, his existing children and the planet. What could be more manly?

You have an obligation to your readers to clarify this. — Cybil K., Arlington Heights, Ill.

DEAR CYBIL: Indeed I do. The two-pronged issue of male passivity and female assertiveness/aggressiveness is becoming clearer and more widespread. (If you have doubts, tune in to reruns of "Sex and the City" and its female-on-top events. I can't recall any scenes with partners lying side by side or where the man is dominant. Not one, thank you very much! And that show just about encapsulates my observations.) My premise? The sharp identifying traits of the genders are slipping and sliding away. One letter introduced the issue of vasectomy, which logically is all the things you say it is, Cybil. But it can also morph into castration issues in some psychological circles. And the dilution of manhood. This is an excruciatingly important issue, and I promise it will get more newsprint soon.

Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.

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