Creators.com, January 23rd, 2008
DEAR SUSAN: Let me start by saying I'm all for meeting men in groups that share a common interest. Good idea. However, you may not realize the dynamic in the Long Island region. There are NO YOUNG SINGLE MEN in these groups. They are frequented by women or senior citizens. I know this from personal experience and from friends.
I'm not opposed to joining such groups — they can be enriching and rewarding — but please don't continue to advise your Long Island readers, such as Ingrid, that this is the way to meet men. It might be true in another region with a different population, but not on Long Island. — Christa C., Long Island, N.Y.
DEAR CHRISTA: No single men on Long Island? Not a one? Then who places all the personals in Newsday? Could be worth an hour or two on Sunday mornings. Ahem. And a visit to a golf class could be productive. But even if the male yield is sparse, there's always the possibility that you might end up with a golf club in your hand and a new interest. And yes, it just happens to be a sport that attracts men of all ages and sizes. Something to think about, no? What I'm trying to get across is the open-endedness of being single. It's a lot more than husband-hunting, for sure. And you must know that good things can happen at random, when you least expect them. But you've got to be out and about to let them come into your life. Don't close shop because he has a combover or some flab. (Those are details, small things that can be changed.) Focus on his smile, his eyes, the tie he doesn't tie correctly. Men are basically shy, so you need to practice an opening line that breaks the ice. One final thought: Bloomingdale's and Bergdorf Goodman both have terrific men's departments, busy on Saturday afternoons … a word to the wise.
DEAR SUSAN: A girl I've known for years has moved back into my town. I have strong feelings for her. We only broke up because she's into booze. (She wakes up with a beer!) I don't know whether I should work on this relationship or wait for someone else. But I'm tired of being alone and so far gone that I'd rather be with anybody than nobody! — Jeremy C., Cherry Hill, N.J.
DEAR JEREMY: Being with an alcoholic is just another version of aloneness, the worst kind. You're locked into togetherness with someone surrounded by a fog. She's by your side, but there's no real communication. Your strong feelings for her can't possibly be reciprocated; but if they lead to her bedroom, you're moving into danger. She can't tell you the last man who shared her body, and you wouldn't want to know where she's been or what she's done. She's a walking Red Alert. Go to sleep early and take an early morning jog. You've got to be alone for good things to happen, and right now you're better off (much) in your own company.
DEAR SUSAN: You usually suggest that a good way for single people to find a good match is to scout out clubs, organizations or activities that interest them. But it seems to me the advice is aimed at singles who don't have children and therefore have all this free time to actively pursue dating.
I'm a single mother with a small child, and I can't possibly run out and join a pottery class or the many activities where children aren't welcome. After nearly five years of going to parks and child-centered activities, I've yet to meet a single parent to befriend. I know I'm not the only one in this town, but sometimes I sure do feel like it. — Bridget B., Peoria, Ill.
DEAR BRIDGET: Let me simplify your social life. Log on to the Web site of the granddaddy of single-parent groups, the international gem solely for unpartnered parents of both genders: www.ParentsWithoutPartners.org (1-800-637-7974). I suggest you help yourself to the information on their site to get a sense of the organization and possibly find an address or a name that feels familiar and then make the phone call that has potential to make things better for you. One of the great features of PWP is their weekend programs for children and their parents. Often they're under the same roof — at the same time, but separate — for maximum chances of finding friends and playmates. This is a trusted group, well-known in the single world, with the potential to lead to friendships for both generations. One advantage of membership is its requirement that everyone must be a parent. That means shared values, priorities and understanding of the issues that come with single parenthood. (Deep, contented sigh.)
Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.
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