There you are, stuck in traffic again on the way home from work. Normally, it would be just one more irritant after a long day, but of course tonight it's your turn to host the book group, your place looks like it's been through an earthquake and you'll be lucky if you have a half hour to put things right before the gang gets there. Tempting as it might be to whip out your cell and plead a sudden attack of the flu, there actually are a few shameless tricks you can try that can help you pull it off. No, you won't pass the white glove test or be ready for a feature spread in Architectural Digest, but when you're desperate who cares about little things like perfection?
The plan of attack
Start with establishing the priorities. This is no time to worry about the bedrooms or home office. Certain doors should just be closed. Concentrate on the rooms your guests will actually see, usually the living room, kitchen and bath. Three rooms. Thirty minutes. Put some wall-thumping dance music on the stereo, take a deep breath and dive in.
The living room
First, address the clutter. Grab a laundry basket or yard-sized trash bag and put everything into it that doesn't belong in the room. You have no time to put things away, so don't bother. Tomorrow is another day, Scarlett. Once all the strays have been rounded up, put the whole shebang into a bedroom closet and shut the door. Next, take one of those adhesive lint removers and get rolling on the upholstery. They pick up crumbs and pet hair faster than a vacuum. Dump the magazines and books on the floor while you run a rag over the coffee table and then stack them in a neat pile. Finally, plug in the vacuum and run it quickly over the middle of the room. Don't bother getting under the furniture … no one's going to be getting down on their hands and knees to peek. Ten minutes later you're ready to move to the next room.
The kitchen
Step one, fill your sink with hot, soapy water and add all incriminating pots, pans and dishes. Let them soak while you fill a trash bag with everything in the kitchen that belongs somewhere else. That goes with the other bag in the bedroom closet. Next do a quick sweep of the room for trash (wrappers, plastic bags and anything else that is bound for the landfill).
When all surfaces are free, get out the all purpose spray cleaner and let loose. Let it linger, engaged in its chemical magic, while you rinse the dirty dishes and fill the dishwasher. If there are too many pots to clean in the allotted time here's a dirty little secret: hide them all in your oven. Just don't forget they're there the next time you pre-heat. Now, get a rag and wipe down all the surfaces you can see (clean around, not under, the stuff on your counter tops). Sweep the floor if it really needs it and use the rag to erase any egregious stains. Chances are things are looking sufficiently presentable at this point that you can begin act three.
The bathroom
No time to scrub. What you tackle here is purely cosmetic. Leave the shower and tub alone. If you have a shower curtain, it's time to play hide and pray they don't seek. Gather up all loose cosmetics and necessities and what you can't cram into the medicine cabinet, bag and stash. Empty the wastebasket. Run a brush around the inside of the toilet, flush and close the lid. Spend the rest of the time on the sink, which is what people notice first. A spritz of household cleaner and a quick wipe down of the mirror, basin and fixtures should do the trick. Moisten a bath towel and give the floor a quick once over. Finally, throw all towels into the laundry basket and put out fresh ones. If you have a scented candle, light it and set it on the sink, kill the overhead light and voila, it may not get the Good Housekeeping seal, but you get an A for effort.
Dim the lights, it's showtime
Sure, it's a cheap trick, but the dimmer the lighting, the better things look. Shadows conceal what bright lights reveal. If you have dimmers, use them. If you don't, at least turn off all lights you don't absolutely need. And always light a few candles. They supply the excuse for your “mood” lighting.
I've tested this plan myself and under extreme pressure and force of panic have achieved a personal best of twenty three minutes. Admittedly, you haven't really saved any time on a thorough cleaning, but you have saved a certain amount of self-respect. Now, pour yourself a generous glass of wine and wait for the doorbell to ring.
