Tango, June 30th, 2007
If you’ve ever “needed space,” complained that your partner wouldn’t “open up,” or felt like you could “really be yourself” around someone, Pat Love, EdD, can tell you why. Tango asked the relationship expert to decode attachment theory: the three ways in which people respond to companionship.
Pat, what is the basis of this quiz?
In 1969, Mary Ainsworth conducted a landmark study called “The Strange Situation.” A mother, a research assistant, and a one-year-old child were in a room. The child was left with the research assistant for three minutes, and then the mother returned. Their reunion behavior reflected the child’s attachment style.
• Secure kids would protest for a long time, but they would ultimately be consoled.
• Pursuers would not be consoled, no matter how much attention you gave them.
• Avoiders acted like the mother never left and never came back, but their increased heart rate demonstrated their anxiety.
Your attachment style is the way you manage anxiety about closeness. Everybody is capable of all three styles, but each person has a dominant style.
Does attachment style vary with a particular romantic relationship?
It does. With two pursuers, it’s great in the beginning, but ultimately you’re going to have to come up for air. If you have two avoiders, one will have to shift or you’ll never have contact. The goal is to get the pursuer to shut up, and the avoider to show up.
More women are pursuers when it comes to verbal intimacy, and more men are pursuers when it comes to sexual intimacy. A pursuer in the living room can be an avoider in the bedroom.
How can you have a healthy relationship if you aren’t securely attached?
If you’re a pursuer, when those magic moments of connection happen, breathe it in. Practice the art of daily appreciation. “Thank you’s” remind you that you got something.
That’s what’s missing with the pursuers—they think they don’t have anything. If you’re an avoider, recognize your own need for connection. Understand that you can communicate in nonverbal ways: You can write a letter, send an email, leave a rose on your partner’s pillow, initiate touch. Daily acts of initiation will reap great rewards.
The big mistake is to think that the avoider doesn’t want closeness, or that the overbearing pursuer wants to push you away. Fights usually happen when one person is asked to take on a style that doesn’t work for them. The good news is: Some of your attachment style is hard-wired, but the rest of it is learned behavior. The older you get, the more securely attached you become.
Answer true or false.
1. I show love clearly and regularly to the people I care for.
2. I openly accept the love and care of others.
3. I ask for help freely and often.
4. I have at least three people I trust and confide in regularly.
5. I feel calm and secure on a daily basis.
6. I am known for my patience and tolerance.
7. People see me as available for intimacy.
8. I am open with my feelings.
9. My lifestyle shows that relationships are a priority.
10. I initiate and maintain contact with people in my life.
11. I generally take care of others better than I take care of myself.
12. I need a lot of contact time with my close relationships.
13. I get anxious when separated from the people I love.
14. I am the one who initiates most contact in relationships.
15. I sometimes come across as critical or pushy.
16. People see me as impatient.
17. I can be demanding in relationships.
18. I have had several relationship disappointments.
19. I can be pretty intense in relationships.
20. Much of my thinking involves close relationships.
21. I often lose myself in work or projects.
22. I tend to be quiet or uncomfortable in social situations.
23. I am generally a private person.
24. I tend to be quite self-sufficient.
25. I get uncomfortable with extended periods of closeness.
26. I think too much is made of relationships and closeness.
27. My partner has complained about my distancing behaviors.
28. People sometimes see me as overinvolved in work.
29. At times I consciously avoid contact with others.
30. I can be withdrawn in relationships.
KEY
The more true answers you have in each category, the more you display characteristics of the corresponding attachment style.
Questions 1-10 Secure
Individuals with this style can freely show and receive love; are sensual, sexual, and have high self-esteem; can ask for help and offer it to others; get upset but get over it; do not hold grudges; forgive; are comfortable with closeness as well as distance; enjoy time alone and with others.
Questions 11-20 Pursuer
Individuals with this style expect a great deal of contact and closeness; usually want more time and attention than their partner does; are sensitive to rejection; get anxious when separated from their partner; want more information than their partner gives; focus more on what they don’t have than what they do; are often perceived as needy; are better at giving love than receiving it; get upset easily; hold grudges; are hyper-vigilant about their partner’s behavior.
Questions 21-30 Avoider
Individuals with this style want and need a lot of time alone; are often less talkative than the partner; are sensitive to any form of control; are often quite self-sufficient; give little information; withdraw when upset; have difficulty expressing their feelings; are often very involved in their work.
