Creators.com, December 11th, 2007
DEAR SUSAN: I agree with your advice to meet for the first time in a public place in the daytime. The meeting should be in a restaurant or outdoor cafe usually occupied by many people.
I met a woman through the personals and we hit it off on the phone, but didn't meet in person for a while. When we did finally arrange to meet, she suggested a night meeting at a place that doesn't have heavy traffic. Then I came back with someplace safer on a weekend afternoon. When I explained why, she answered that she already "knew" I was no threat. But what if I had been a nut case? Please, ladies!! Be SAFE! It's so easy to tell lies on the phone and e-mail. — Bernie J., Long Island, N.Y.
DEAR BERNIE: Sanity, thy name is Bernie!.Thanks for the sort of advice that's too often overlooked in this wild, wild world. It's so true that even multiple phone calls and e-mails can't deliver the kind of information gleaned from a face to face. If you're alert to cues, it doesn't take long to get the "feel" of this stranger sitting across the table, if you're alert and looking for cues. Being on high alert can lead to high turnover, but so what? It's a very efficient way to filter out clutter — people with zero possibility of being anything in your life — and save you time and energy. (Gobs of both.) And that sort of high alert should be on your agenda everywhere: in elevators, in stores, in supermarkets. Turn up the corners of your lips in a knowing half-smile, keep your eyes attentive and focus your mind on the present moment. No daydreaming, if you please. Good things can happen at random, when you're least expecting them, out in the wide, wide world. And that's fine. All I'm saying is to put the odds on your side — as Bernie says, BE SAFE.
"SINGLE FILE" WEB SITE. This column runs on your messages. It's the fuel that drives all sorts of issues appearing here. And you can be certain your message comes to me personally! Send your mail through Creators Syndicate, info(at)creators.com, or write in care of this newspaper. However we connect, you and I, this is my pledge: Consider "Single File" a training ground, a personal workout with yours truly as your trainer. (Exercises in Singleness are a guaranteed challenge!) This is a safe place where you can stretch out and kick back at the same time.
My mission is to help you get more from your personal world and change the way you see it. Instead of turning every waking hour into a soulmate safari, you'll be exploring other good things life has to offer. Believe me, that's the proven way to attract the love that will complete your life.
DEAR SUSAN: I am 26 and until recently was engaged to be married. My fiancee broke the engagement after nearly a year, and we survived as a couple for six months after that. (We dated for a total of three years.) Now I'm having a tough time moving on from here. I'm currently dating someone, but I think more about my ex than this new partner. How can I overcome this and move on with my life? — Maury P., Arlington Heights, Ill.
DEAR MAURY: There's no known cure for lingering emotions, at least not a quick fix, but I can guarantee fast relief when you stop pressuring yourself to move on! (What's this move on business, anyway? Besides being a political force, moving on is greatly overrated.) I suggest taking the road less traveled — let your feelings out, hit your pillow with your fists, bawl like a baby, sit at your kitchen table and write love letters to this flighty ex and toss them into the garbage afterward. In other words, face your feelings. They're not fatal, guaranteed. Do this on a weekend so you have time for the tsunami of tears. And when it's subsided, probably sooner than you expect, treat yourself to a pizza. Then — yes, there's a second act here — sit down at the same kitchen table and list all her negatives. Stay with the effort for an hour or two. Don't rush yourself; this could be fun. And besides, this a chance to vent … who gets a present like that? (If you're so inclined, you might spend a little time jotting down good things about the newcomer in your love life; consider taking her away next weekend to choose a Christmas tree.) Bet you feel much better tomorrow.
Write to Susan Deitz c/o this newspaper. She will answer all letters that come with a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Or you may e-mail her at info@creators.com.
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