I dismissed Philip, and fell on to my bed. I
did not sob, I did not give myself up to despair;
I did not ask myself when and how this had happened;
I did not wonder how it was I had not guessed it before,
long ago; I did not even upbraid my father....
What I had learnt was more than I could take in; this
sudden revelation stunned me.... All was at an
end. All the fair blossoms of my heart were roughly
plucked at once, and lay about me, flung on the ground,
and trampled underfoot.
XX
My mother next day announced her intention of returning
to the town. In the morning my father had gone
into her bedroom, and stayed there a long while alone
with her. No one had overheard what he said to
her; but my mother wept no more; she regained her
composure, and asked for food, but did not make her
appearance nor change her plans. I remember I
wandered about the whole day, but did not go into the
garden, and never once glanced at the lodge, and in
the evening I was the spectator of an amazing occurrence:
my father conducted Count Malevsky by the arm through
the dining-room into the hall, and, in the presence
of a footman, said icily to him: ’A few
days ago your excellency was shown the door in our
house; and now I am not going to enter into any kind
of explanation with you, but I have the honour to announce
to you that if you ever visit me again, I shall throw
you out of window. I don’t like your handwriting.’
The count bowed, bit his lips, shrank away, and vanished.
Preparations were beginning for our removal to town,
to Arbaty Street, where we had a house. My father
himself probably no longer cared to remain at the
country house; but clearly he had succeeded in persuading
my mother not to make a public scandal. Everything
was done quietly, without hurry; my mother even sent
her compliments to the old princess, and expressed
her regret that she was prevented by indisposition
from seeing her again before her departure. I
wandered about like one possessed, and only longed
for one thing, for it all to be over as soon as possible.
One thought I could not get out of my head: how
could she, a young girl, and a princess too, after
all, bring herself to such a step, knowing that my
father was not a free man, and having an opportunity
of marrying, for instance, Byelovzorov? What
did she hope for? How was it she was not afraid
of ruining her whole future? Yes, I thought,
this is love, this is passion, this is devotion ...
and Lushin’s words came back to me: to sacrifice
oneself for some people is sweet. I chanced somehow
to catch sight of something white in one of the windows
of the lodge.... ’Can it be Zinaida’s
face?’ I thought ... yes, it really was her face.
I could not restrain myself. I could not part
from her without saying a last good-bye to her.
I seized a favourable instant, and went into the lodge.
In the drawing-room the old princess met me with her
usual slovenly and careless greetings.
Copyrights
The Torrents of Spring from Project Gutenberg. Public domain.
