The White Old Maid (From "Twice Told Tales") eBook

(SCENE.—­The corner of two principal streets.—­[Essex and Washington Streets, Salem.]—­The Town Pump talking through its nose.)

Noon, by the North clock!  Noon, by the east!  High noon, too, by these hot sunbeams, which fall, scarcely aslope, upon my head, and almost make the water bubble and smoke, in the trough under my nose.  Truly, we public characters have a tough time of it!  And, among all the town officers, chosen at March meeting, where is he that sustains, for a single year, the burden of such manifold duties as are imposed, in perpetuity, upon the Town Pump?  The title of “town treasurer” is rightfully mine, as guardian of the best treasure that the town has.  The overseers of the poor ought to make me their chairman, since I provide bountifully for the pauper, without, expense to him that pays taxes.  I am at the head of the fire department; and one of the physicians to the board of health.  As a keeper of the peace, all water drinkers will confess me equal to the constable.  I perform some of the duties of the town clerk, by promulgating public notices, when they are posted on my front.  To speak within bounds, I am the chief person of the municipality, and exhibit, moreover, an admirable pattern to my brother officers, by the cool, steady, upright, downright, and impartial discharge of my business, and the constancy with which I stand to my post.  Summer or winter, nobody seeks me in vain; for, all day long, I am seen at the busiest corner, just above the market, stretching out my arms, to rich and poor alike; and at night, I hold a lantern over my head, both to show where I am, and keep people out of the gutters.

At this sultry noontide, I am cupbearer to the parched populace, for whose benefit an iron goblet is chained to my waist.  Like a dram-seller on the mall, at musterday, I cry aloud to all and sundry, in my plainest accents, and at the very tiptop of my voice.  Here it is, gentlemen!  Here is the good liquor!  Walk up, walk up, gentlemen, walk up, walk up!  Here is the superior stuff!  Here is the unadulterated ale of father Adam,—­better than Cognac, Hollands, Jamaica, strong beer, or wine of any price; here it is, by the hogshead or the single glass, and not a cent to pay!  Walk up, gentlemen, walk up, and help yourselves!

It were a pity, if all this outcry should draw no customers.  Here they come.  A hot day, gentlemen!  Quaff, and away again, so as to keep yourselves in a nice cool sweat.  You, my friend, will need another cupful, to wash the dust out of your throat, if it be as thick there as it is on your cowhide shoes.  I see that you have trudged half a score of miles to-day; and, like a wise man, have passed by the taverns, and stopped at the running brooks and well-curbs.  Otherwise, betwixt heat without and fire within, you would have been burned to a cinder, or melted down to nothing at all, in the fashion of a jelly-fish.  Drink, and make