Well, did you love him?
Good gracious! Why ask such questions?
Then you did love him?
Yes and no. If I loved him, it was the love of
a little fool; but I certainly never told him, for
positively I do not know how to show love.
I can vouch for that!
Well, it is possible that I cared for him sometimes,
idiotically, like a timid, restless, trembling, awkward,
little girl, always in fear of that disturbing thing—the
love of a man—that disturbing thing that
is sometimes so sweet! As for him,—you
know him. He was a sweetheart, a society sweetheart,
who are always the worst of all. Such men really
have a lasting affection only for those girls who are
fitting companions for clubmen—girls who
have a habit of telling doubtful stories and bestowing
depraved kisses. It seems to me that to attract
and to hold such people, the nude and obscene are
necessary both in word and in body—unless—unless—it
is true that men are incapable of loving any woman
for a length of time.
However, I soon became aware that he was indifferent
to me, for he used to kiss me as a matter of course
and look at me without realizing my presence; and
in his manners, in his actions, in his conversation,
he showed that I attracted him no longer. As
soon as he came into the room he would throw himself
upon the sofa, take up the newspaper, read it, shrug
his shoulders, and when he read anything he did not
agree with, he would express his annoyance audibly.
Finally, one day, he yawned and stretched his arms
in my face. On that day I understood that I was
no longer loved. Keenly mortified I certainly
was. But it hurt me so much that I did not realize
it was necessary to coquet with him in order to retain
his affection. I soon learned that he had a mistress,
a woman of the world. Since then we have lived
separate lives—after a very stormy explanation.
What do you mean? What sort of explanation?
Well—
About—his mistress?
Yes and no. I find it difficult to express myself.
To avoid my suspicions he found himself obliged, doubtless,
to dissimulate from time to time, although rarely,
and to feign a certain affection for his legitimate
wife, the woman who had the right to his affection.
I told him that he might abstain in future from such
a mockery of love.
