PODSNAPPERY
Mr Podsnap was well to do, and stood very high in
Mr Podsnap’s opinion. Beginning with a
good inheritance, he had married a good inheritance,
and had thriven exceedingly in the Marine Insurance
way, and was quite satisfied. He never could
make out why everybody was not quite satisfied, and
he felt conscious that he set a brilliant social example
in being particularly well satisfied with most things,
and, above all other things, with himself.
Thus happily acquainted with his own merit and importance,
Mr Podsnap settled that whatever he put behind him
he put out of existence. There was a dignified
conclusiveness—not to add a grand convenience—in
this way of getting rid of disagreeables which had
done much towards establishing Mr Podsnap in his lofty
place in Mr Podsnap’s satisfaction. ’I
don’t want to know about it; I don’t choose
to discuss it; I don’t admit it!’ Mr Podsnap
had even acquired a peculiar flourish of his right
arm in often clearing the world of its most difficult
problems, by sweeping them behind him (and consequently
sheer away) with those words and a flushed face.
For they affronted him.
Mr Podsnap’s world was not a very large world,
morally; no, nor even geographically: seeing
that although his business was sustained upon commerce
with other countries, he considered other countries,
with that important reservation, a mistake, and of
their manners and customs would conclusively observe,
‘Not English!’ when, Presto! with
a flourish of the arm, and a flush of the face, they
were swept away. Elsewhere, the world got up
at eight, shaved close at a quarter-past, breakfasted
at nine, went to the City at ten, came home at half-past
five, and dined at seven. Mr Podsnap’s
notions of the Arts in their integrity might have
been stated thus. Literature; large print, respectfully
descriptive of getting up at eight, shaving close
at a quarter past, breakfasting at nine, going to
the City at ten, coming home at half-past five, and
dining at seven. Painting and Sculpture; models
and portraits representing Professors of getting up
at eight, shaving close at a quarter past, breakfasting
at nine, going to the City at ten, coming home at
half-past five, and dining at seven. Music; a
respectable performance (without variations) on stringed
and wind instruments, sedately expressive of getting
up at eight, shaving close at a quarter past, breakfasting
at nine, going to the City at ten, coming home at
half-past five, and dining at seven. Nothing else
to be permitted to those same vagrants the Arts, on
pain of excommunication. Nothing else To Be—anywhere!
As a so eminently respectable man, Mr Podsnap was
sensible of its being required of him to take Providence
under his protection. Consequently he always
knew exactly what Providence meant. Inferior and
less respectable men might fall short of that mark,
but Mr Podsnap was always up to it. And it was
very remarkable (and must have been very comfortable)
that what Providence meant, was invariably what Mr
Podsnap meant.
